SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

My WH is now asking to come back after leaving me for his AP six months ago, and I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts or experiences on this.

You can find the full story in these two posts:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664868/has-anyone-here-witnessed-shocking-personality-change-in-their-ws-during-an-affair-and-do-they-ever-come-back-to-their-usual-se/?HL=85628&ap=1

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=664949&HL=85628

Here’s the short version:

We were married for 17 years and together for 19. The marriage had been good until, out of nowhere, he asked to move out, saying, "We have nothing in common," and "We got married too young—I missed out on being single." Within days, I found out he had been having an affair for three months.

I immediately asked for a separation, but he quickly changed his tune and asked for reconciliation. We spent the next two months in weekly MC sessions—but I didn’t know he had never actually ended the affair. Then one day, again out of the blue, he told me he was moving out while continuing to cover up the ongoing A. I removed him from the house the next day because I was done with the lies and the emotional whiplash.

After the affair was exposed, he became someone I didn’t recognize—cruel, insensitive, selfish, and extremely deceptive. Once he moved out, it was like our entire marriage had meant nothing to him. No grief, no remorse. I was absolutely shocked by the transformation in someone I had spent 19 years with.

About six weeks later, he started emailing me saying how much he loved me, missed our life, and realized he had made a huge mistake—but he didn’t ask for reconciliation. I went no-contact. More recently, he reached out again, this time asking to come home. He says he’s willing to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage.

But the thing is, I’ve survived the unimaginable pain and I’m now doing well. I no longer trust him. For reasons I can only guess at—maybe childhood trauma—he went from being a stable, thoughtful man to someone toxic and unrecognizable, much like his AP. She’s extremely intense, possessive, and has a history of interfering in other people’s relationships. While we had a very comfortable life, she’s a financially struggling single mother of two.

Thankfully, I was able to secure the vast majority of our assets through a financial agreement I put in place while he was acting completely erratic in those first few weeks after he moved out. He claims he still loves me and always will—but his repeated, deliberate choices to hurt me say otherwise.

I’m curious: has anyone here taken back a WS after they left for their AP? What happened? To be honest, I’m not seriously considering reconciliation—I don’t trust him and I value the peace I’ve found—but I am curious about others’ outcomes when they tried.

Thanks for reading.

On my way out, he did a test run with AP and things didn't work out with AP the way he thought they would, now he wants to come back, please really think this through and don't be his Plan B.

Sorry he's playing ping pong with your life. The emotional roller coaster is brutal.

On my way out, he did a test run with AP and things didn't work out with AP the way he thought they would, now he wants to come back, please really think this through and don't be his Plan B.

Sorry he's playing ping pong with your life. The emotional roller coaster is brutal.

Yes I remember that rollercoaster, and I'm not having another ride.

I’m not seriously considering reconciliation—I don’t trust him and I value the peace I’ve found....

It's wise and common not to trust him. Finding peace this quickly does seem uncommon and very noteworthy.

If he changes from emotionally messed up betrayer to good partner, would you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Or is your peace now more valuable to you?

I'll say this: I get a whole lot from being with someone I know and love and who loves and knows me. (We met almost 60 years ago.) My W's A lasted 4.5 months. She got herself out of it and took full responsibility. We did MC, but that was because it helped me more than my W, not because either of us thought the M caused the A. Neither of us ever sought the single life after we met. So my sitch is a lot different from yours.

But a good LTM is great if you get there. It's not just a meaningless shiny object.

But you've achieved peace. That's not just a shiny object, either. You're mature, too. You might be able to find a good partner if you keep going to D.

Tough choice.

My reco is to be yourself. Life is risky. Figure out what you want, irrespective of what others have done. Then act accordingly.

I'm sorry yuo've been betrayed an abandoned. I'm glad you've started healing and found strength so quickly.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:13 PM, Monday, June 16th]

Reality. You hold most of the assets. Makes you very lovable. If you are doing fine, then keep doing what you are doing. At this point I, as a stranger, would not trust one thing he says. He played you. If he had really wanted his lover he would have done the most honorable🤪 thing and told you the truth. Instead he made you believe he was trying to work things out with you. Instead he continued to cheat. I hate saying this but it is always about the money. Please use extreme caution about finances regardless.

Quite a number of men I've known who D'd in midlife after they destroyed their M (including my two brothers, both now deceased) frequently griped about their reduced standard of living, so I just think your WH "did the math" and reached the selfish conclusion: "It's cheaper to keep her." Too bad, so sad. Very typical unfortunately.

Just from reading here, it seems the trust he broke would take you years to work back to having for him while draining your new-found peace. Can you try to imagine how you'll feel one to three years out if you stay the course to D and set yourself free from his drama, versus best-case outcome that you take him back and he truly is a changed man? Difficult to say...

If you're moving on and are more or less happy with your life as it is, then I don't see any reason to take him back. From what I've read in your threads, his behavior was abhorrent, he's done zero self-reflection, and he wants to come back because life was more challenging with OW (particularly financially).

You already gave him a second chance to save the marriage after Dday and he played you for a fool.

Take him back can be many things.

You date him once in awhile (while dating others as well) but he doesn’t live with you, he doesn’t stay at your home for days on end and you don’t remarry.

You test the waters if you still love him. But only if you will enjoy his company and have fun.

It’s not a marriage and it’s no strings attached. You don’t give him $ and/or support him in any way.

You never fully trust him (obviously).

You don’t give him access to your personal information or assets under any circumstances.

He understands you are not monogamous under any circumstances.

This will tell you if he’s looking for YOU or for financial stability.

Hope this helps.

It must feel good, though, with him having realized what he lost and that the grass isn't greener on the other side.

Of course, I don't think it's worth screwing up your healing for. But still... it's better than him saying I'm so glad I left. He is, at the very least, acknowledging the prize that you are.

I don’t want to say I am cynical…but I am cynical. Since he can’t give sweetie any goodies he thought "Ah ha! I will worm my way back into Survivor’s good graces, get her to share the money, keep sweetie on the down low and the NEXT time I drop the bomb I get the money". I wish I was wrong but I don’t think I am.

So he found out the grass may have been greener it was harder to cut (or him and current sweetie got into a kerfluffle and she kicked him out), and he wants to do the walk of shame, throw his arms wide open and have you run into them like in a movie.

You are under no obligation to do this.

From what I have read of your past posts and this one - this man is not a safe partner and is slithering home to bide time and security until the next one comes along [once he "behaves" and "professes his sorrows" enough for you to get off his back].

My gut reaction here is to say stick to your guns. Stay NC with him.

IF - and only if - you WANT to hear him out and see if those alarm bells go off - make sure it is in a public place.

My experiences with giving an unsafe partner another chance had devastating consequences to me.

Other people may have different experiences. But I personally would likely have had better chances at future happiness walking into one of the many bars on almost every street corner where I am from and going home with a random stranger than letting exwh back in my life once I found out what he was doing. I personally deeply regret doing so. Letting exwh back in my life for second and subsequent chances that is.

Other people’s mileage may vary. But I think it takes a lot of hard work to go from where an actively wayward partner is to a safe one. Heroic levels of work and personal transformation. And epic levels of making amends without expectation of personal gain.

Are you actually divorced yet?

To answer your question, at least from most of the stories that I have read here over the years about the BS taking their partner back after they left, there was one thing missing from almost all the others than from what you have posted:

I value the peace I’ve found

It is so hard to put a price tag on that. Most others were still hurting greatly, and were much more open to trying again. Some worked out. Some did not. But most of them....again, in my opinion....were not in the same mental position of strength that you currently possess. I would be willing to bet that many would not have taken their WS back if they possessed that same mindset that you have. Add in financial security, and I bet that number increases even more.

Hello, and I am so sorry to hear about your situation and how unremorseful your husband was. That is hurtful indeed. In answer to your question, yes, I took back my significant other after he left. I've known him a total of 30 years now...half my lifetime. We've been off and on especially in the last 10 years it seems. There's been summers where he'll break up with me by not contacting me, but then contact me again to ask me out months later. I've taken him up on it...on a few of these instances, I found out some time afterward that he had been pursuing or seeing another woman during the summer he wasn't speaking to me. I never had the courtesy or convenience of finding this out until months after I'd already taken him back so I kept things going since I felt it would be wrong to bring up the past after he was being so nice. I was told by a few people in more recent years that that isn't the way to do it. It's hard for me to say what I should have done because it's not like I have any free time to investigate him or find another man instead. His indifference has gone on for so many summers now that I've started to just accept that he's not my knight in shining armor and to not expect much from him. I don't even call him my boyfriend anymore. When he comes up in conversation with other people, I just mention him as this guy who's not really my boyfriend but I'm kind of seeing. It wasn't like that before. But at the same time, I'm not going to turn down a date or romance if he presents it, since without him, I wouldn't have anything. I did try dating someone else on one of the summers he wasn't around, but that turned out to be a total two timing disaster. So I don't think I'll be trying that again.

I gave him a second chance in 1979 after he left, moved away to another province for 2 years and shacked up with one of his APs who dumped him after a few months. He came back begging for forgiveness and profusely apologizing for his "mistakes". I took him back and we moved far away to start over. Good for 43 years until 2023 when he contacted another former AP from the same time period and proceeded to engage in a full blown emotional affair. He threw it in my face when I found out and carried on for 10 weeks, during which time one of her adult kids died and he had to offer the proverbial "shoulder to cry on". I became the bad guy for refusing to allow it. Wish I had the courage to throw him out at the time but I think I was in such shock that it floored me. Hate to say it but I felt not a single ounce of sympathy for the rotten slut. Karmas a bitch. I would think twice before entertaining the idea of taking him back. Try the advice of others here and do casual dating (make him pay for everything).

One last thought. Maya Angelou was one of the smartest women ever. She came up the hard way. As a Black woman she had to fight life on two fronts. They gave her great wisdom which men and women should use. She said when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. Believe who he is, because he has shown you.

But the thing is, I’ve survived the unimaginable pain and I’m now doing well.

This^^^^^^^

Hang on to that thought. You thought it because your gut is telling you that taking him back will be letting yourself in for more hurt.

My EX left me for his best friend's wife and within about 4 months wanted to consider reconciling. I didn't hesitate to say yes, and within about 3 weeks it became clear that he had no intention of ending it with her. When I confronted him, he made it clear he only told me he was considering reconciliation to get me to back off my demands in our divorce agreement. Like others have said, it was all about the money.

I understand the tug at your heart. But the fact that you can say you are doing well is all you need to know. It is possible to do well, even better, when you walk away from someone who treats you like a doormat. Don't ever let anyone tell you that it's better to put up with that than be alone. Just like you should believe who he showed you he was, you should believe in yourself when you say you are doing well without him.

I had an ex boyfriend that I dated for a couple years show up on Christmas night two years ago out of the blue. Over the next couple of months I felt myself being slowly pushed into rekindling things, and it made me more and more uncomfortable. I didn't want to, because as nice as romance is, he was still the same person who broke up with me with no warning, and no explanation 20 years ago. I never knew where I stood with him, and the more he talked, the more I realized nothing had changed. So I told him to stop calling me, and showing up unexpectedly, because I love my peaceful life. And I may live alone but I'm never lonely. I choose not to be. I'm surrounded by family and friends who love me, without the drama.

If his AP had been wonderful, and his fantasy had been reality, do you honestly think he'd be coming back? He's only sorry the fantasy didnt pan out. The reality is you were the back up plan if everything blew up in his face
.....which it did.
Do you really feel like your only good enough to be plan B? How you answer this question is how you need to proceed going forward.

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your replies. Even though I had already leaned heavily toward not taking him back, your responses helped affirm that decision.

It’s not that I can’t forgive him for becoming infatuated with someone else and later realizing he made a mistake by blowing up his marriage. Like Cooley2here mentioned, had he done the honorable thing and told me he wanted to leave, I might have considered giving reconciliation a chance.

But the most damaging part was how deceptive he was during the affair — keeping me in the dark while secretly contemplating leaving. He gave me false hope, all while continuing the affair behind my back. The cold detachment that followed the separation was especially disturbing.

Every time he reached out asking to come back, he focused only on himself — how much he misses our life, how miserable his current situation is. Not once has he truly acknowledged what he did to me. His so-called apology amounted to nothing more than, "I’m as sorry as I can be." It felt hollow and avoidant.

So again, thank you, everyone. I won’t take him back — and your support reminded me why that’s the right choice.