SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I keep reading here and other places about other's experience in dealing with infidelity, one of the things that gets alluded to a lot but not dealt with directly is the utter weariness of it all. How much tread it takes off of the tires of your life and level of vivacity. The sheer level of exhaustion it causes.

When my first wifes treason was revealed, Its how to describe how tired I felt every day. I still had to go to work and provide. Put on a good face with my boss and co-workers. Still had chores to do. Bills to pay. Car and home maintenance. Continued to be a good Father to my children. Tried to maintain friendships and relationships with extended family (poorly). I felt like the oldest young Dad and Husband alive. Every day I walked into that home, the A stared me in the face and there was no escaping it. I know it aged me. I think I sprouted grey hairs in my early 30s.

I know we talk about the importance of self care when dealing with this cr@p, and rightly so, but man, nothing prepares you for that level of constant stress and strain. Its no wonder PTSD is bandied about a lot here and other infidelity forums. If I were a car, it felt like I was putting on 100K miles a year.

Anyone relate? Care to share how you dealt with the wearing effect of it all?

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:43 PM, Thursday, September 25th]

It is true Dobletraicion,

Being forced to put on a "good face" to simply make it through another day is both daunting and exhausting. It does age a person. And as you stated: nothing prepares one for the crippling effects of infidelity.

But there is hope for the future. Whether that future includes reconciliation or separation as a choice is something that a couple must arrive at individually and as a couple.

I believe that though the damage is pervasive, it does not have to poison all aspects of one’s life and relationships. And there are treatments and antidotes available to bring about inner healing. But honestly, most all of the treatments and remedies taste shitty during the swallowing stages.

Asterisk

It is true Dobletraicion,

Being forced to put on a "good face" to simply make it through another day is both daunting and exhausting. It does age a person. And as you stated: nothing prepares one for the crippling effects of infidelity.

But there is hope for the future. Whether that future includes reconciliation or separation as a choice is something that a couple must arrive at individually and as a couple.

I believe that though the damage is pervasive, it does not have to poison all aspects of one’s life and relationships. And there are treatments and antidotes available to bring about inner healing. But honestly, most all of the treatments and remedies taste shitty during the swallowing stages.

Asterisk

Thanks Asterisk. I was primarily referring to the days and months post Dday and as I never really had a fully remorseful wife for the years of attempting R, the wear and tear was multiplied exponentially imo. I think the stress of it all got to her as well during that time frame (noticed some early greying going on with her as well). Admittedly, we were both maladapted to deal with this and it showed.

Once that near decade was in my rearview, I made tracks and am light years from where I once was and am enjoying the marriage Id always hoped Id have.

My post was really a muse on the weariness of those days and the toll it took on me after reading the accounts of those poor souls who are still in the thick of it all.

I smiled wryly at the "tastes shitty" reference. Man, was that the truth. Sadly, no remedy "worked" for us back in the day. For me, the best remedy was to move on and with that new day, my vitality returned over time.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:41 PM, Thursday, September 25th]

Not only the weariness but the health problems that stemmed from it as well. I honestly believe the stress almost killed me. Well I did almost off myself but that is besides the point. I was the unhealthiest I had ever been in my life post A. I was exhausted, depressed, and my moods became unstable. I completely unravelled and it's taken me years and a D to get better.

After False R I completely let myself go started gaining weight, drinking, depression got worse, our fights got worse. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. The weight gain and constant high cortisol levels ended up giving me high cholesterol and high blood pressure. My doctor said I was headed for a heart attack or a stroke. After I left the M I got my health back on track. I exercise and take medication for my cholesterol and HPB so those are stable now. I have lost most of the weight I gained and stopped drinking. Also life is peaceful now so no more spikes in cortisol levels either.

I was awake for 44 hours straight when I found out. Started going thru a bottle of wine almost nightly. Finally went to my Dr and said I'm not doing well. Told her everything. She prescribed something to help me sleep.

All better now

I fully concur with the tiredness for the first year after Dday! My sleep pattern was obliterated! I was the type of person that typically slept well all night long, but after disclosure I didn’t sleep at all for the first 48 hours, and then on and off all night every couple of hours for the next year… Almost three years out and I sleep fairly well now, but still usually wake up once during the night and then wide awake anywhere from 4:30 to 5:00 a.m. I miss being able to sleep in on the weekends.

Although the mental and emotional toil was devastating, my physical strength and stamina have actually increased during all this turmoil… I suppose it is because I’ve become a lot more consistent in my workout routines as a way of relieving stress, anger, anxiety etc... 😝 It’s become an odd recipe… I have the physical strength to be active, but I’m still often in a mental and emotional fog that doesn’t facilitate doing anything that requires much thought or concentration.

Thanks all.

I remember some comments made by a physician on this site to a well known poster about his need to get a complete physical post Dday and not just for possible std/i's. His rationale was that due to OPs description of what he was going through physically and emotionally (crying episodes, sleeplessness, panic attacks, fatigue, etc.) that he needed to be wary of the cortisol levels building in his system that can cause things like heart attacks, especially due to the fact that OP's Dad passed away in his 40s of a heart attack (discovered later that OPs Mom also betrayed his Dad). Not sure if OP took him seriously and got checked out but it sure made sense. It must have been pretty obvious though because his WW also expressed concern (I know, I know 🙄) over his physical well being. From his follow-on posts this state of being lasted for a long time. He stopped posting shortly thereafter. Hope hes ok.

Tragically, for some, the physical/emotional effects are too much to deal with. My friend was one of those for whom this was the case. When the betrayal was discovered, it destroyed him to the point that he took his life. This handsome, successful, funny-as-hell guy went into a tailspin to the point that he felt that life wasnt worth living. Thats real and it still crushes me. In fact, its a big part of the reason I started to research infidelity again as his death was a huge trigger for me.

The effects can vary in intensity but they are always very serious.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 10:12 PM, Thursday, September 25th]

Before the infidelity, I can see a visible difference between the color of my beard and hair. It was maybe 90% dark with just a little gray forming in my beard.

In the immediate year or two following, it dropped to about 50% dark really quickly. I'm certain the stress of it all contributed. It's been three years and my beard is now 60% white and my head has a lot more of that "Mr. Fantastic" kind of look than it used to.

Well I'm a bit of a masochist, so *mental toughness*. I just kept going until I couldn't, and then kept going again. Maybe I learned my lesson. Maybe not. See my signature.