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Dday Nov 2024 I moved into a separate bedroom; I discovered that my WH had used 8 dating apps during our marriage, found evidence of dates he went on with Tinder matches, and discovered a long term EA partner Whatsapp message thread that goes back years.

His response has been to be enraged, saying I violated his privacy (I didn't) that my harsh reaction to "one thing" he did is way out of line. I told him I want him to tell me the truth of our marriage, act like he's sorry, and tell me what changed that I can be sure he isn't that guy anymore. He flatly refused, said he wouldn't respond to an ultimatum, that I need to get perspective, that he can't even remember their names, that it was because of me he used the dating apps to find female friends, b/c I act so jealous and weird when he talks to women. He says he follows Stoicism and that he doesn't believe in remorse nor guilt as they are unproductive emotions. He says I shouldn't throw away all the value of our marriage just over one thing he did. He also won't say what the one thing is. He denies having sex with other women, he admits only to what I have evidence for, going out with other women he met on Tinder.

Any time I try to talk to him about it he gets vague and dismissive, saying he can't remember anything about them because they were so unimportant, that he just met for coffee or something, he can't even remember where, he told each of them he's happily married, he guesses he just missed female companionship and sometimes just needed to be with someone, anyone besides me. I don't even know if he saw any of them more than once.

He doesn't think I'll divorce him because we moved to Europe and that would be complicated and scary. Of course I never would have moved here if I'd known what he'd been doing all those years... now that we're there, he doubts I'd do something so drastic and inconvenient, we have this huge renovation project etc.

But I am doing it. Trust is gone, I have no interest in spending my golden years with an unrepentant cheating liar. I went to a lawyer and I'm moving forward.

Here's my biggest problem: I need to stop wanting him to be sorry. It's making me crazy that he just won't express any remorse. I should be glad he is showing his true colors. But I ask him to show that he cares even a little that he cheated all those years, and lied to me all those years, and wrecked our future and he just says " you're the one wrecking everything" and even says "No, I'm not sorry. You should be sorry." I can hardly believe that I even know this man, that we ever were intimate - I can't get over how callous he is. I am so angry with myself, too - why am I wanting this? He isn't sorry. I should be glad that i can just move on. Why do I feel such pain? Why can't I just see him for what he is (his dad was a secret bigamist btw), take him at his word that he's not sorry, and move on? I have to stop asking him for what he won't give - he will never express remorse, he handed me a letter that said he 'doesn't believe in remorse'. This man does not care about my feelings. It's all so shocking, our marriage falling apart essentially because he doesn't like that I found out about his serial cheating from 2012-2019.

I sure would appreciate any advice.

[This message edited by marriedaliar at 12:21 AM, Sunday, September 28th]

As a stranger reading this, his behavior sounds so outrageous that you need to seriously think of divorce. First of all he is a bully. Second, he is not a husband. He probably has a personality disorder, or several. Why would you even try to make sense of this? It is the ravings of a man devoid of morals.

My only suggestion is to leave.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:35 AM, Sunday, September 28th]

I second that. This might be some of the worst behavior I've read about. You said you have a lawyer and you're leaving? Good. Don't look back. Don't expect a sudden show of remorse or sorrow. Don't ask for it. Read up on the 180, employ it, and get out of there ASAP.

I’m very sorry to read of your situation. Most importantly move forward with D promptly! You’ve suffered a real trauma and if you can, see an IC with training in betrayal trauma. Take care of you. Don’t try to make sense of his infidelity, you will never be able to understand it. There is no excuse for his behavior. He has no interest in changing his behavior. You can’t force him to do anything or control him. You only control yourself. It’s time to value yourself.

Implement a firm 180. Do not engage or argue with him. He will only try to hurt you. Become a gray rock and give him nothing to argue about. Get support and protect your financial status. Good luck moving forward with D.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:32 AM, Sunday, September 28th]

So very hard to get your expectations from someone who is not capable of meeting them. I would recommend going to individual counseling for YOU to help with your emotions through all of this. He is not sorry, he will not show regret or remorse. He has told you this. Believe him. His actions have already demonstrated them. IC is for YOU. I found it helpful to move forward in a way I would not have been able to on my own. It was worth the time, money and effort.

Take care of yourself at this time. Think of him as a house mate at this point and start emotionally separating from him. He caused all of this, do not let him make you think any of it was you.