SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At the recommendation of our MC, I'm supposed to tell my husband ways he can show me that he loves me that will help me believe him. Because he was going around flagrantly telling ppl "I Love You" with no real meaning behind it, I've struggle to be sure he means it when he says it to me. I pursued him in the beginning of our relationship and it's always been a little imbalanced in that I was 100% in a while before he was.

Right now, his ways of showing me love are:

- Morning Tea (which I reciprocate consistently)
- Little notes in the morning before he leaves for work
- Backrubs that aren't just for sex
- Physical affection

He's not a grand gestures kind of guy, but has made efforts since all of this has hit. I had one moment where I felt he was being truthful and authentic, and I told him later that made me feel like he meant it, but that's only once. I wish he'd talk more on how he sees our love story, even with it's slightly torn and burned edges.

All this to say, I am hoping for examples of how you all give or receive love. How do you know your partner loves you?

I don't know how long ago your d day was, but the short answer is consistent behavior over time. Betrayal trauma takes a lot of time to work through even under the most ideal conditions. Like, 2 to 5 years to recover and begin building real trust again.

A longer answer is, at least according to Gary Chapman, everyone has their own version of love languages.

Words of Affirmation - Saying supportive things to your partner

Acts of Service - Doing helpful things for your partner

Receiving Gifts - Giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them

Quality Time - Spending meaningful time with your partner

Physical Touch - Being close to and caressed by your partner

You and he will have to figure out which of those, or which combination of those speaks to you the most. Like I said, that's according to one author. I've seen it repeated by others and it makes some sense to me. Once he figures out your love language then he can start putting into practice. Over time, trust and feeling loved could be restored. The biggest thing you need, I think, is just time. Lots of consistency over time.

Your thread topic really speaks to me, and I in fact had this conversation with my wife this morning. She said those words to her AP as well, and I told her that saying it to me now has kinda lost its shine. Its specialness. We didn't have much time this morning so I may pick that thread back up later this afternoon when we have more time to dig into it. I totally get what you're saying, tho.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:28 PM, Tuesday, June 30th]

I second much of what Pogre says.

This is so hard. I am three years into reconciliation, and I am still healing this particular wound. THIS IS SO HARD.

Like you, I find that I have skepticism now around gestures of love that I know were part of his affair. So many of these things Pogre lists are things I know he also did for her.

He had tremendous limerence during his affair—so 'madly in love' with her, even addicted to how she made him feel. Intense sexual chemistry. She was the 'love of his life' and all that crap. We have since both researched and learned about limerence and the difference between it and mature love, and he know sees himself a lot like a former addict. He thinks back on the affair with intense shame. Still, this also leaves me at times profoundly cynical about love, and very hard to convince and reassure.

And yet we have found a way to reassure me.

We made a decision at the start of reconciliation that it was a day-to-day choice. That is, every day, we have to choose again to be married. That evolved into a habit, first thing every morning, of touching our hands together and telling each other "I choose you." Now we do not always say it, but we still touch hands when we wake up, and we know what it means.

What reassures me most is that this is a gesture and a phrase of affirmation that is uniquely ours. It is simple, and it is on top of all these other things you describe, but it is a habit that reminds us both that our marriage is a choice we both have to make every day. It will last only as long as we both choose each other. Unlike the fantasy of love he chased in his affair, mature love is about intention, trust, respect, and acceptance of each other in all our flaws and imperfections. It is a choice to be partners and grow old together. When he touches my hand each morning, I am reminded that he chooses that idea of love, not the lie of love that drove him during the affair. In the end, that is what I need to feel safe. While the other gestures matter to ensuring we feel connected, the cornerstone I need is the assurance he chooses a mature, real love over a fantasy. He needed a way to express that in ways that were positive, and not rooted in his own shame.

Hand him a raw ghost pepper and tell him "If you love me you’ll eat this."

Thanks for the chuckle, HouseOfPlane... If only it was that easy

Proven behavior over time.

There is no short cut.

How do you know your partner loves you?

He always has and never stopped. I see this because I love me and know my value/worth. It was himself that he didn't love. It took years of watching and waiting combined with IC and introspection to realize this. Doesn't make it hurt any less.

How can he show love — from a cheater standpoint.

Access to phone & devices
You have all passwords
Location tracking (willingly and from the cheater)
Answer questions about the affair when we it’s needed
No secret apps
Consistent behavior
Accountability (he’s home on time, says he’s going somewhere and that’s where he is)
No hanging out in bars without your knowledge
No after work events without your knowledge

And the list goes on. Doing this willingly and on his own shows he loves you and is willing to make amends.

Today is 13 years from dday1. Worst day of my life. But the good news is we are happily reconciled thanks to the effort he made to make amends.

Thank you all for the input. We've been having alot of hard conversations this week and I think he's maybe finally hit a point of clarity. We are a year out in a couple weeks and I think things are very much at the forefront of my mine right now.

First - HouseofPlane, I am pretty sure he'd eat an entire bowl of them if that would clear the slate. The man has done everything I've asked of him but hasn't been great at showing it unprompted.

I think the part I've realized I am missing from him is seeing him set hard boundaries. He's slid into similar patterns of avoidance. I expressed to him this weekend that it would be helpful for me to see he loves and prioritizes me, i.e. how he acts while out in the world. So far he's avoided as much social contact as possible and he's just falling into the avoidance pattern. All this to say, I've expressed to him that I need to see him as safe in all social settings and situations.

One of the things he mentions to our MC as a way he cares for me is that he makes me dinner. I pointed out that we both make dinner for the family all the time but it has been years since he planned a special dinner just for me or even just made my "favorite meal. It clicked I think, as he seems to have a face of recognition and then an internal cringe.

RecklessForgiver - I really like your idea of the morning ritual. We've been trying to rebuild this. He had stopped kissing me good bye before work every morning and had always said it was because he didn't want to wake me up (He is up several hours before me), but I felt he didn't think saying goodbye was important. When the affairs came to light, that was one of the big signs for me that we had lost our track somewhere along the line.

Chaos, I think you nailed it for me. I feel like he loves me most of the time, but he been more protective of himself. I know he didn't put these women before me (He was having really close "friendships" under the guise that we were still in an open relationship and he isn't a romantic man, so these side relationships were somewhat disposable to him. I think they refer to this kind of wayward as a cake eater.) He was using the "I love you" to create this "I really care for you friend" type relationship but in reality, he didn't give a shit about either of those women and that was obvious when he communicated with their husbands.

1stwife - So far he's hit all of those except for the answering questions - Sometimes he locks down but that has gotten better. The more he looks at things from my perspective, the better it gets.

So I've added to the list:

- Creating & showing healthy boundaries
- Caretaking above the household responsibilities we share (he's great at this with doctor's appts!)
- Morning Ritual (continue to build on this)

To love others is to see yourself be through others. When self standards are low, the substance and depth of loving others is low. Alternately said: one loves others only as much as they love themself, or, exterior love can be no greater than interior love.

Based on your WS’s family history, I recommend your WS seeks IC. IC can help your WS to believe why maintaining higher standards is best for him. Actions start becoming authentic rather than controlled. MC is too shallow. Through MC, you are requesting your WS to "comply" with displaying love. His "corrective" actions will be for the wrong reasons and won’t last.

SL

When a man loves a woman he can give her attention.

Is a different kind of energy than just listening, it’s "attention in presence " it doesn’t even need words to be heard if you get what I mean.

And in my experience females are pretty good at perceiving this kind of attention, whether it’s close by or silently given across a crowded room.

Is not a performative one, it’s subtle but very solid at the same time.

Perceivable.

You do the same, a little differently, but is the same kind of captable energy to a receptive partner.

All the rest is good but it’s actually a consequence of this. If gestures have this energy behind then you know.

I feel "what" is far less important than "how " here.

Then you feel it and don’t have to ask