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[This message edited by someone21082026 at 7:23 PM, Saturday, August 22nd]

Many of the questions you ask are unknowable now. It will take years to get to some position of stability even if you are both working hard at it.

The question I have is why you feel the issue is binary. R is a long process that takes years to get thru and is possible only when both parties want to it. Your other extreme is that you live in misery for the kids sake. There are lots of options between the two, including an amicable legal separation where the kids do not live with constant tension and periodic blowups.

What do you see yourself being if you choose to remain with her without getting to the why of it? Tell us more.

Your wife is a cake eater, wanted to have the excitement of an affair and still be married. She doesn't seem remorseful at all.
If she was genuine about accepting any kind of punishment perhaps she would be willing to give you a dream divorce.
A divorce where she would give up all that the law unfortunately would give her in case of a split, full custody and that she would pay you child support. After the divorce, you can start dating again, without any legal obligations.
Unfortunately, unicorns don't exist. You have someone who checked out long time ago, had an affair in front of you more or less and now is possibly planning her exit as people like her (cheaters) don't like the reality where they are the bad guy. She's probably been badmouthing you to people around your family. In my opinion, she sure as hell doesn't deserve to live a happy life after doing all of that to your family. Best of luck you and your children, man.

Sorry you have to be here and what has happened to you.

I must ask what the status of the AP's marriage? Does his wife know?

First off, never take divorce off the table.

I am happily reconciled, but I needed to know ALL of my options and letting go of the outcome was a huge part of my healing.

Kids KNOW when their parents are unhappy, you aren’t saving them if you stay there and stay bitter.

MY wife’s AP was a family friend, so I get that. Hell, OBS made Halloween costumes for our kids, we had family BBQ, etc. They had a 4-year LTA and two years after, AP showed again to try and start back up, my wife turned him down for the very first time at that point.

Focus on you and your healing — and check in on counseling (a counselor that doesn’t blame the M for cheating — no M can ever make someone choose to cheat).

I can only ever suggest someone stays if the M can become better and worthy of their time.

R is uphill both ways.

It is possible, but it takes BOTH partners healing themselves and BOTH people working to fix the M.

Infidelity burns the foundation to the ground, so the rebuild is a grind, if you choose it.

My wife learned why she needed the validation, she had to repair her esteem and build back her boundaries.

I had to realize her horrible choices didn’t reflect on me at all, in any way. She failed herself and her own standards more than she failed me.

My work was focusing processing all the pain, sadness and anger — without burying it or pretending everything was okay.

Keep reading here, keep posting.

Just keep ALL of your options open. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a bitter, resent filled future.

Excellent advice above! Very sorry you have suffered this betrayal. Your life as you have known it has blown up. You have suffered a real emotional trauma. Do not underestimate its impact. Do seek IC with a counselor trained in betrayal trauma. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. As state above, at this point do not rule out any option moving forward. You need to heal. You will figure out the right path for you. Time is your ally.

Your WW’s infidelity as described seems like a common theme we see here. A fantasy escape fed by compliments to a WS susceptible to validation. If your WW sincerely wants to R, what actions has she taken? She really needs to work on her brokenness and selfishness that would allow her to break her wedding vows. Her statements that she couldn’t end it, are very common, but total BS. She needs to get into her own IC to work on her weakness and need for validation. All of this is terribly unfair to you. Your anger and lashing out are normal, but long term, no punishment can ever balance the scales. Give yourself time to heal. I recommend both you and your WW read: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by McDonald. Good luck.

Given this history, should I try R?

No 'should' here. Do you want to R? Do you want to live the rest of your life with her? If not, my reco is to D. If yes, my reco is to R, monitor key performance issues, and D if one or both of you stop doing the necessary work or decide to D.

Given that she loved him so deeply, will she ever be able to truly forget him?

IMO, the love is false. If it were true, she'd leave. Sometimes WSes leave for false love. But IMO, aps can't feel true love, because they live in a fantasy.

Most of the things in our marriage was good. How could she choose an affair for her own selfish excitement and ruin our marriage?

Beats me. Shirley Glass (look her up) wrote the As happen in good Ms when the WS has poor boundaries. That seems to fit your WS.

I am unable to accept that she risked and ignored marriage, children, family reputation, H pain/trauma, and enjoyed her affair for two years and now wants to come back and resume earlier married life.

If you want to R, try out R. If she wants R, she'll do the necessary work.

Does she deserve to have a happy married life after doing all this?

If you want a happy M with her, she has to have a happy M with you. If you don't want her, choose D. Then the question becomes moot to you.

Every day, I get triggered, especially by the AP’s message describing their intimate acts, her ChatGPT messages such as "We love each other" and "I liked meeting him," and the affectionate names they used to call each other.
Why didn’t I tell her to block his contact at the beginning, when she informed me that he was sending her messages?

Gently, why are you asking us a question to which only you know the answer. Have you notified om's W? She deserves to know, and you might throw a wrench into his works. His W deserves to know. Any satisfaction you feel for telling her is beside the point, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Why didn’t I check her phone earlier and discover the affair?

I read this as a tragic, understandable lament. There's no blame in trusting your W. That comes from love. Really, there was nothing else a loving H would have done. My reco is to mourn and forgive yourself.

AP once told my W, "Beautiful women are not available; we steal them from careless men." Was I careless, and did my carelessness contribute to the affair?

He's a prime asshole, a POS of a man. There's no punishment that would be appropriate for him. You know the answer to this question, but my bet is that your W didn't have the boundaries she needed. She was a lousy person; you did your job.

How can I stop thinking about these things?

Heal. Feel your pain. Figure out what you want, and do what you can to get it. D if you don't want your W or if she doesn't do the work of R.