SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know everyone on here has and does experience disgust and I want to ask about it because I’ve noticed it keeps coming back to me, maybe someone could offer words of wisdom.

When my husband first confessed and in the weeks after he would say things like ‘well she was young and I was flattered’ ‘she was 19 and it gave me a kick’ etc. He seemed to have no shame, in fact when I asked why he kept emphasising on the fact she was young, he said it means something to a man.

We’ve come a long way since this and he definitely doesn’t think like this anymore but it still bothers me that he said and thought these things.

I think it’s disgusting, absolutely vile in fact!. A 19 year old girl with serious Daddy issues takes a shine to him and instead of brushing her off like the excrement she was, chose to engage, he should have been responsible at 39 years old, at 40 years old and most definitely at 41 years old but was he?, no. To me he took advantage of someone vulnerable, yes she was obsessed, yes she was simping very hard but to me he knew better to me he took advantage - this disgusts me.
We were married when she was born, we lost a baby that would have been the same age as her, our son is 2 years younger than her - it’s fucking disgusting, it’s sick!
I asked him what he thinks she will think about him in 20 years when she has children, he said he didn’t know, I think he knows. (Not that I give a shit about what she will think of him).

In MC he’s said that he takes responsibility, that he should have known better, he was supposed to be the responsible one, she was young and stupid etc etc etc. it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough though. I keep circling back around to this, then I feel disgusted it quickly turns to anger.

How did you manage disgust?

People and their fragile egos

The OW was 29, my H was 49 turning 50. The only thing missing from this classic mid life crisis (MLC) affair is him buying an expensive sports car. All other boxes were checked.

Funny thing is I was in much much better shape - looked far younger than my years and had a good paying job and managed it all without complaining. Still wore a size 4 lol.

The drama queen OW was just a hot mess but (and isn’t there always a but?!) my husband was her KISA (knight in shining armor). He was going to take her out of her pathetic life blah. They planned to sail off into the sunset.

In my opinion I think often affairs start with 2 people sharing their life stories and "my spouse doesn’t understand me" creeps in and 💥 boom! Cue the emotional connection that launches the affair.

Luckily I’m not stupid enough to believe that crap. Too many guys have tried — I figure that they have ownership in it lol.

It took me awhile to let go of the disgust. It’s one of the things that made R so hard the first year. I thought better if my H and was just gobsmacked he got involved in something so pathetic. But at that time his ego was the size of the Grand Canyon and he was on top of the world that a pathetic woman who had the emotional capacity of a toddler was "in love" with him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:37 PM, Sunday, June 15th]

It is disgusting.....and I think the way to deal with it is to express the root heart wounds to your husband. I hope he truly, truly continues to grow in seeing it as disgusting and hates it more and more each day. What he said ....yes ...yuk. He was not in a sound mind at all. It should do NOTHING for a man ....what should do it for a man is his loyalty and love for the wife of his youth.

In my view, most men never fully mature. Some never mature past high school, some college, some 20s even thirties. Past that, I’m afraid, is rare.

If you haven’t matured out of your 20s, 19 doesn’t seem so young.

I looked at my W with disgust during a few periods of recovery and R. If the periods had continued, I think our R would have failed. I just can't comprehend living with someone who elicits disgust.

At the same time, I think the ap's age is a red herring. It does tend to stick out, so it's something to hang some pain on, but ... I don't think I'd have felt worse if the ap had been older or the same ages as my W.

*****

IMO, Eric Berne was right. We all have within us 'ego states' - combos of thoughts, feelings, and even postures, tones of voice, facial expressions, etc - from various periods in our lives. But healthy people know the difference between an ego state and real life.

I think we all need to come to grips with aging and accept that we probably aren't as capable as we think or wish we are. Part of the me-in-my-head is still 22, when W & I realized we were together. That was one the absolute best times of my life. While the memories are active, I feel like I'm 22. Then, when the memories go back to the background, I'm back in today's real world ... where I have to be very conscious about moving if I want to have a chance of avoiding pain.

*****

I wish people, especially women, were satisfied knowing they were once young and hot, at least in some ways. As The1stWife said, her H's ap was not as attractive as she was.

How the ap looks is irrelevant. What matters is how messed up the WS is.