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Recently (7/20/25) found out that my wife of 15 yrs. (18 yrs together) has been having an affair with her college best-friend, who had become someone I consider family, a brother, and was a groomsmen in our wedding! The week prior (7/13/25) she confessed to me that she is extremely unhappy and has been for a while now (1st time she has mentioned to me how unhappy she actually was, and provided very little detail as to what exactly she is unhappy with in our relationship), and that she was questioning our marriage. She also confessed that a big reason for even bringing this up to me was due to the fact that she had a "very real & deep emotional connection with someone else that she didn't want to deny herself and wanted to explore.

I expressed how deeply this hurt me and that I was crushed to hear that she had allowed herself to allow someone else into her life in that manner when that was a promise (boundary) we had always said we would never cross. I was calm, didn't react off of my emotions as I wanted to. I stated that I request that she cut-off all contact with the 3rd party until we can figure out what we were going to do. I asked if she was willing to do the work on us to figure this out. To which she agreed. Woke up the next morning raging!! Knew I had to leave the house for a few days. Stayed in a hotel for 3 days. Told her that I needed to process more in our home and asked her to leave. Which she did. She came back home Sunday 7/20/25. Throughout the week we still agreed to do marriage therapy. During our time apart I asked her to think about 2 things; 1-What did this week away from each other provide you? 2-What are your goals, wants, expectations of this 1st conversation?

She replied that this week had given her more clarity that she didn't see a path forward for us, she doesn't want to have any "regrets, or waste anymore time" and that she doesn't want to fix, work, or stay in our marriage. I stripped myself of all pride, ego, etc. and opened up to her about where I stood (still wanting to fight for our 15yr marriage). To no avail. I hadn't asked her who this 3rd party was because I knew I wasn't ready for the news (also had a conversation that reinforced that even though I felt that I NEEDED to know specifics, that it doesn't really matter what the specifics are. What happened happened.). I told her that I know it's either someone she works with, or, someone that we know (she doesn't do much outside of work, run errands, and do things together as a couple). I told her that if it is someone we know that I need to know because that person no longer exists to me & if I were to find out in a more "sloppy" way that this would lead to more issues. I turned and looked at her and asked her, "so, is it someone we know?" The look on her face said it all. I asked who it was, she tried to get out of telling me, but eventually told me that it was her college best friend (I'll call him f*** Boy). I was furious with both of them. Still am to be honest! That crosses more lines that I can never come back from. Asked her to leave the house for another 48 hr to process. Here is the kicker to all of this. Her father had a years long affair on her mother and fell in love with another woman. He confessed to my wife and made her keep the secret for almost a yr. This led to her having significant ill feeling towards her father for many many yrs. She never actually forgave her father before he died. And now she does the same thing?

She tried to pass it off as, "this hasn't been a yrs or months long (emotional affair-she says. I don't believe it at all) thing between her and FB). Again, don't believe that. This may sound bad, however, I am simply speaking off of my personal experiences, along with those of my loved ones & family. Every female I know in a long term relationship takes many months to emotionally remove themselves from their partner prior to making a move like that to start an affair. She claims this "connection" formed over a couple of conversations and she knew she had to come clean to me. BS! After analyzing behaviors, her actions, etc. I have (speculation, I am well aware) come to the conclusion that she had felt this way towards our marriage for longer than she admits, and that her affair started @ least at the start of 25.

She came back Tuesday 7/22. We were in the same house for a few days. She all the sudden became concerned and caring for how I was doing. Which angered me even more! Kept asking me how I was doing, etc. Thurs 7/24, I texted her some very choice (not aggressive, but cold, calculated, truthful) words for her. I hadn't expressed my anger to her prior to this point. The next day she said that she didn't want to continue to hurt me every time I come home and that she was going to pack up some things and leave the house for a few more weeks to give us more space.

This time away has been good for me, it has allowed me to be open & honest w/ myself about the things that are fundamentally important to me that she wasn't giving me (emotional support, support as a whole-being my cheerleader, physical intimacy- we have never been on the same page. Physical touch is one of my love languages-she can go months without much physical intimacy, the fact that I can count on 1 hand the amount of times we have been physically intimate and she was sober). It has allowed me to start to envision what it is that I want/need in my life that provides me true happiness and joy (I do understand that I am the only one who can determine my own happiness). I am excited for what the future holds for myself. I have put in a LOT of personal work on myself over the past few yrs. During that time I have found my voice, confidence, and was able to see how much I had lost myself in our marriage, and I am one semester away from obtaining a certificate that will allow me a new career path that I am very passionate about. This time has also allowed me to be open about the past mistakes I have made (there are plenty, by no means am I claiming to be a perfect husband, because that would be a lie). One thing I can say about myself is that it may have taken me a while to learn from said mistakes, but I did learn and grow from them. Changed bad traits & behaviors about myself for the better.

I have a plan moving forward. Divorce. She wants a new life, go ahead and chase that, but you will not be starting your new life w FB from the home that we built together. I have already started back in therapy, exercising again, journaling. I also approached this situation completely differently than I have with most traumatic situations in my past. Normally I would self isolate, pour myself into a bottle, run from the issues, wake up 12 months later in the same spot I started at, and genuinely self loath/hate. This time I decided to be vulnerable to my loved ones, I stopped drinking knowing it was a crutch that only masked emotions, I've reached out and asked for from multiple people who I care about & each one of them has responded without question (some of them are my wife's best friends whom I have been there for in the past). They have all loved and supported me. It's been amazing to be surrounded by such love and support.

Lastly, I feel, it's important to note that my wife hasn't shared what she has really done (affair) w the 5 people in her life that she is closest too. This let's me know that she knows, exactly how foul she knows she is moving.

Not really sure what I am looking for from this forum, but felt life I needed to share my story here to see (read) what others may feel about it. Thank you for reading in advance.Interested to see what if any replies are.

Hey Blevins,

Sorry you had the need to find this place, but it’s good you did.

I have a plan moving forward. Divorce.

I applaud you. Some here will wring their hands saying you’ve decided too quickly, but I’m convinced you’ve done the precise right thing. And here’s why:

- You’ve taken control over your life, and will no longer stand to be the object of her disrespect
- You’re enforcing your boundary - sorry wife, no screwing other guys
- The ball is now firmly in her court if she wants to attempt to move heaven & earth to save this M (she almost certainly won’t, and this was likely an exit affair)
- She may be in a state of at least feeling a tinge of guilt, or more likely butterflies for OM, so she’ll be more willing to give you (slightly) better terms in the D then she otherwise would

Stand firm. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by any crocodile tears or words. Do you have kids?

She’s asking if you are ok to try to make herself feel better, so she will pretend to care because she thinks it makes her a better person. She knows what she did and is still doing is wrong and so now she is trying to make herself look better and not like the awful person she is. Don’t fall for it, just move forward with the divorce and cut all contact with her. There is nothing to talk about, hopefully there are no kids involved to make cutting ties with her more complicated. Sorry you are here, it sucks.

Totally agree re trying to make herself feel better/convince herself she isn’t as shitty a person because, hey, she could be off with her AP leaving you in the dust but she so good that she’s willing to give you some attention. 🤢

While I haven’t a clue whether this is an exit affair or not it doesn’t really matter.

The focus is on you now and it seems you have that well in hand. Keep going and putting one foot in front of the other.

Blevins,

Evaluating the marriage pre infidelity is something most betrayed miss when they’re dealing with the shock and trauma, so well done on keeping your head on straight.

If FB has a wife or girlfriend let her know what’s going on so she can make her own decisions about her future.

Lastly, I feel, it's important to note that my wife hasn't shared what she has really done (affair) w the 5 people in her life that she is closest too.

I’m sure you have surmised that whatever she does share will end up being your fault.

I was in your shoes. I’d like to say that I believe MANY cheaters are not unhappily married until they meet the OM/OW.

And I heard how my H was unhappy for years but never said anything or did anything about it — except to use it as a "reason" to have a midlife crisis affair.

Do please don’t buy into her "I was unhappy" routine. Since there were no obvious signs that you noticed anything amiss — most likely nothing was actually wrong.

I think you are doing the right thing by taking time for yourself. I’m sorry your so/called friend is such a loser. Please tell his wife if he is married. She deserved to know.

Deciding too fast?

IMO, a BS can definitely decide too fast. That doesn't seem to be you, though. Rather, you set a boundary and are sticking to it. Being betrayed both by one's WS and by one's friend is beyond awful, and D is awful - but both are less awful for most of us than sharing one's WS is.

Whether or not this is an exit A for your W, she's basically said she prefers to be with her ap now. IMO, your best bet is to accept that reality and behave accordingly - feel the pain and plan your recovery.

You've chosen to heal rather than dwell on the injustice of being betrayed and/or on the perfidy of your W and friend. That's a good choice for you, IMO, but you probably won't start feeling great for a while. If you find yourself hurting, you're not crazy. It's traumatic to be betrayed, and trauma hurts.

A lot can happen in the coming months, and SI can help with information and support. You can find both here, and the G, D/S, and possibly R forums. You may also be able to find support in the https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/512858/double-betrayal-/ thread in the I Can Relate forum.

I should add my H was convinced he too wanted to be with his midlife crisis affair - much younger OW too.

For 6 months all I heard was how he wanted a D.

And then suddenly he decides it’s over and he wants to R. Like that was going to be easy.

So I think your cheating spouse is living in Fantasy Land at the moment. She’s basing her decisions for the future in an affair (which is not based on reality).

Be prepared for the day things change and she wants to come crawling back.

I hope you also know that the week she was gone, she was likely with him or at least planning with him what she would say when she came back. That’s why she came back with the clarity that she didn’t want to save the marriage. Honestly though at this point, why does she keep coming back to your house. Even when you cursed her out via text, she didn’t say she was leaving permanently, just that she would leave for a while to give you space? Have you told her that the space you need will be permanent?

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that we recommend new members read. Some other great posts are available. They aren't pinned but do have a bull's eye icon so you can identify them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is full of references.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Bonus points if they have expertise in helping to heal from infidelity.

If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression or anxiety, you may wish to see your doctor for some meds. Plus, you may wish to get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer.

Please focus on you and your healing, and focus on your children if you have any. It's very common for the WS (wayward spouse) to re-write the marital history (I'm so unhappy, etc.) and basically want to pin the blame on you. Please know that her decision to have an A (affair) is 100% her choice.

So sorry that you have to deal with this.

Sorry you are facing this treason of her making. The fact that she did so with a "friend" does show how deep and wide the moral chasm is in her soul. Same with her fellow traitor.

My first wife did the same with my best friend. It gutted me for a long while. I mistakenly tried to stay with the marriage for the kids (young) which was pure misery.

Some time ago I started a thread listing the mistakes I made as a young, newly and doubly betrayed husband. Many other posters pitched in with their own and it was very helpful and validating. There may be things there that prove helpful. You can access it here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663153/behaviors-that-are-not-helpful-productive-for-newly-betrayeds/

The one thing I want to reiterate is getting into IC for betrayal trauma recovery asap. Its a step I delayed far too long to my detriment.

Should D indeed be your path forward, know that there can be a far far better life waiting on the other side. My now wife (also a survivor of a brutal betrayal) and I have built the life and marriage we've both hoped for and dreamt of. In the tumult of the moment it may ring hollow now, but know that happiness and fulfillment with an actual mental/emotional adult who possesses a moral center IS possible.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:46 PM, Monday, August 4th]

Wanted to thank everyone who commented on my earlier post. Your responses helped to open my eyes to a few things, provided some great resources available here on SI, and were very supportive. I truly appreciate all of you who responded or took the time to read my post.

A few updates to some advice/questions that were asked.

-No children involved
-I had already started my own Individual Counseling (therapy) prior to finding out the my BS was having an A. I wanted to do some maintenance work on myself. I am continuing with that until I am able to work through this new chapter in life. I do appreciate the advice to seek a betrayal trauma specialist. I will be looking for one of those asap.
-I will be standing firm in my decision(s) moving forward. I have never, and don't intend on changing, allowed that kind of disrespect from anybody and allowed them to stay in my life.
-I understand that she is trying to mitigate her choices, responsibility, and that is also something that I won't allow. I've cutoff all contact except for finances, our shared dog (who she left w/ me), and a conversation about keeping separate households that I plan on having in the future.
-I have spoken to the 5 people (and more) who she is closest with in her life that she hasn't told what she is actually doing. I have very close relationships with all of them , I've told them my side and my "why". I also let them know that I am not asking them to choose between her & I. I was reaching out due to the love & respect for each of them. They were all very supportive, knew that what she was doing is 100% wrong, and they have been there as part of my support system. Their actions speak volumes to me.

Thank you all again, we are strangers, and it means more to me than you know.

Good for you. With no kids you can make a clean break and cut her out of your life completely. There’s no reason to stay in any form of contact with her. File for divorce and move on. She has already moved on so there is nothing to salvage. Also don’t play the sharing your dog game with her. She left the dog behind to pursue her new life. It’s your dog now and there is no reason to have to see or talk to her because of the dog, she forfeited the dog when she had an affair and left to be with her affair partner. It sucks but she’s proven she can’t be trusted and is not who you thought she was. Can I ask one question though? She had made her decision, why did she keep leaving to give you space and then kept coming back to the house? What was she trying to accomplish with that?

Excellent attitude and actions which will serve you well moving forward. Do check into IC with a betrayal trauma specialist. It’s great that you have in person support. You will be on an emotional roller coaster. Take time to grieve your M and begin healing you. Keep reading here and posting. Lots of support through the D process. And, no contact equals no new hurts. Keep communications to a minimum and in writing concerning D matters only. You are on the right path.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:54 AM, Thursday, August 7th]

and a conversation about keeping separate households that I plan on having in the future.

Separate households? Do you plan on separating rather than divorcing? If your relationship is over then DIVORCE! Then there is no need for a conversation about separate households, but rather the expectation of you two no longer having any say or impact in each other’s lives.

If you are registered as married, you need a formal process to terminate that. Basically, it’s the accumulation of marital assets and debts, possibly pension-rights and such and possible earning-capacity of each partner, divided in what is deemed a fair way.

Chances are you can do the majority of the work with no legal assistance. If you can provide the court a comprehensive list of debts and assets and a reasonable and agreed upon division then chances are the court will sign it. However I strongly recommend you have an attorney AT LEAST go over it, ensure all the paperwork is correct and that ALL angles have been covered.
For example: You two could agree that she keeps and pays for credit card A that was taken out in both your names, and you could even go online and remove your name off it. Yet maybe three years from now you get a collections threat due to outstanding balance. Your agreement might enable you to sue her for cost, but you might still be eligible to pay the card-provider.
Or she could agree to keeping the house and assume responsibility of the mortgage, but that won’t hold water unless YOUR name is taken off the mortgage (basically refinance).
Your name on the rental-lease along with her? What if she doesn’t pay next months rent?
An attorney would/should spot all these things and ensure that all these things are dealt with.

Why would need to maintain 2 households? You have no kids, nothing to keep you tied together post divorce. You should be getting divorced and then her life/living situation is her responsibility, and your living situation is your responsibility. There is no reason for any contact or coordination post divorce. You can make a clean break, eliminate the cheater from your life and move on and live your best life without her being a part of it.