SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am around 20 months post DDay and I am struggling.
I felt okay for a while. It's only been since January that my WS started making changes and putting in any real work. He goes to NA regularly, has a kind of therapy through that, has been clean since end of December and appears to be making real effort in all areas. Now that he's feeling a little more stable and good, he's started venturing back out into things he enjoys like the area of work that used to take him away (Where his ONS happened) and social things with his NA group. I still have access to all devices and location, etc., and he's still very open with me about everything. I recently raised concerns about a friendship with a female at NA and he talked about it maturely rather than going on the defensive and said he understood. These all seem like great things and I did feel okay for a while there, but now I'm back 'I don't think I can do this anymore'.

I'm so scared of what separation would mean. Financially, I'd be fine. I'd be able to stay in my home, none of that side concerns me. It's the emotional and mental aspects of it that absolutely terrify me. I used to be okay being on my own as he was away a lot for work anyway but now that thought scares me. I'm not scared of being alone in that I thing I'll be lonely because I generally prefer time by myself anyway, but I'm scared of doing things on my own, like the practicality of it all, and I'm scared about how he would cope with separation, as I don't think he'd take it well.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. Maybe too much has happened and it's all too little too late? Or maybe this is just another phase I'm going through in this process.

How did you make your final decision to separate? Especially if they really were putting in the work and making an effort to change? And was it all as scary as you thought it would be?

Well, my XWH didn't do the work and we are D. I wasn't able to keep the house, so now I'm renting. I needed about 6 months to get more financially stable, and ended up driving for DoorDash to help me get through.

I had some of the same fears that you are facing. There's a thread at the top of the forum called Fear vs Reality that you may want to read.

You know what? I was able to make the space mine. No more drama from XWH and dealing with his antics, I can watch what I want on TV, go where & when I choose. It's been so peaceful. For me, D was the best thing for my situation and I should have left a long time before I did.

Maybe make a list of what you fear. Are you already doing those things anyway? How many of them can you outsource? I used to stress about watering indoor plants and had several die. Now, I buy fake flowers for permanent things and buy a bouquet when I want fresh.

some things are still scary, but nothing has been too much. I watch YouTube videos, join groups on Facebook for handy women, ask my friends for help or advise, and hire what I cannot due. I bought a small house because I knew I couldn’t handle my 3 acres I had before. And I love it.

Most of the things I was afraid of have not been nearly as difficult as I feared. And I LOVE my peace.

Are you in IC? That helped me name my fears and look at them logically and dissect them.

I'm scared of doing things on my own, like the practicality of it all, and I'm scared about how he would cope with separation, as I don't think he'd take it well.

The practical side is something I learned to manage one step at a time. I have a chronic illness that makes it hard for me to do anything, but I discovered that a small apartment on my own, where I could control the environment, was easier than living in a large house with my ADHD WS.

As for how he'd cope, if you decide to leave him, that's his problem. It took me some time to start shifting out of the "we" mindset that you get after being together a long time. His emotional health won't be your responsibility.

How did you make your final decision to separate? Especially if they really were putting in the work and making an effort to change? And was it all as scary as you thought it would be?

Mine did start putting in some real work, but it was too little, too late. I carried too much pain, fear, and anger to want to let my walls back down with him.

What helped me make the decision was to do a trial separation. I think getting some space and knowing that it's reversible takes some pressure off. What I discovered was that I found immense peace in my own place, and my will to live returned. I was happier without him, I didn't miss him, and I didn't want to go back. It was pretty clear!

Was it scary? Yes!! He and I had lived together in the same house for 25 years. It was strange and scary to be signing a rental lease and to move in. But furnishing and decorating was fun. And once I was there, it became my cozy safe haven.

What helped me make the decision was to do a trial separation. I think getting some space and knowing that it's reversible takes some pressure off. What I discovered was that I found immense peace in my own place, and my will to live returned. I was happier without him, I didn't miss him, and I didn't want to go back. It was pretty clear!

This mirrors my experience as well. It is scary and not easy because it is the unknown but once you get your footing you begin to realize you are ok and can do it, it gets a lot easier. I too felt at peace and happier without my xWS. I knew I didn’t want to go back and he did work on me through manipulative texts and other ways but I managed to get to a point of no contact and that made a world of difference.i just told myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other and got there. It was the best decision I have made for myself in my life. Getting myself back, my life back in my eyes, my kids no longer see an unstable mother crying or raging. Life is peaceful. There are no more ups and downs except for usual life stuff not manufactured by my xWS.

Have you looked into Al Anon? Addicts create a strain on relationships and Al Anon has extensive experience in helping understand that strain and deal with it. Your concerns are most likely deeply rooted in the fear of a narcotic relapse more than another affair, knowing that another affair would most likely be connected to a relapse. I think Al Anon can help you recognize where he should be in his 12-step work, what certain actions mean and how to find the courage and ability to confront issues right away.

Fear is generally created by the unknown. Of course, you can feel fear for what you know you might encounter, but the fewer unknowns you have, the less fear you tend to experience. Your statements about financial security and all that if you divorce – get them confirmed. Make it more than "I think" – make it "I know".

I think a combination of Al Anon and a clear picture of the reality of what you are dealing with will empower you to both support him more in his recovery, AND allow you to set very clear borders and guidelines.

As Bigger says, fear is natural when the future is uncertain. I'll add that you can do difficult things even when you're scared,

Since you used to be on your own, you know you can handle being on your own if you split, but fear is telling you that you can't. IMO, a good IC can help you get unstuck.

OTOH, being uncertain when you're 20 months out is well within the range of normality. You've identified a problem, and you're complaining about it. The little grey cells may be working on your solution as you're reading this post, so you might solve this before you can get ab appointment with a good IC.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.