SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I posted the other day about my DDay. Basically my partner is depressed after his mother passed almost 2 years ago and we have been together for 6 years.

In my odd train of thought, after he told me about it he had a panic attack, he threw up, shaking, all he spent days begging me not to block him, begging me to speak to him, begging me not to push him away (the audacity-called him out on that), that his affair (lasted 6/7 weeks) was over, he didn't want to speak to her etc again all of that.

That all made my feelings even more confused, in my head it would've made more sense if he would have just left me for her? It wouldn't be me trying to make sense of why.

He can't answer why he did it, he says he doesn't know. He's constantly texting me and I'm trying to process. I just think if you're going to react like that and fear losing me, why do it in the first place? Just leave me for her.

It would be easier to deal with an honest partner instead of a liar, but that's sort of the deal with cheating.

They aren't weighing ethical decisions against their current situation. They are weighing the fleeting pleasure of illicit contact against the probability they think they'll be caught out.

It would be easier to deal with an honest partner instead of a liar, but that's sort of the deal with cheating.
They aren't weighing ethical decisions against their current situation. They are weighing the fleeting pleasure of illicit contact against the probability they think they'll be caught out.

But even if he lied about it and then told me and said I want to be with her, that would've made more sense in my head.

That does make sense.

I don't know that i can add much here except to say that I've struggled with this as well.

My wife told me that she didn't want to hurt me... after spending a year lying, deceiving, gaslighting, and betraying me.

She says when with him she wasn't thinking about me, and she was in an altered state. Im like okay but what about all the times between seeing him!? She must have spent significant energy hiding the truth from me. Ugh.

I think what it really boils down to is they want to have their cake and eat it too. They don't want to leave. If they did they would be honest with what they are doing so we could make the choice ourselves. Instead they manipulate our reality so that they get to make the choice for us.

It's about choosing both (or more!).

Cheaters choose both as long as both is an option.

This is where YOU have to put yourself first.

His crying and begging - that’s his selfishness yet again rearing its head. HE does not want you to leave. HE suddenly needs you. HE HE HE …..it’s all about him.

You are not o lighted to stay with him or reconcile or even still love him. If cheating is a deal breaker for you - then you should be true to yourself.

He didn’t cheat because he was depressed. He was depressed AND decided to be a cheater. You need to separate those two thoughts - because depression doesn’t make you cheat.

People cheat because they want to. In most cases they justify it any way they can.

I hope this helps you get some clarity.