SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The fact she wants you to just get over it rather than doing the work to help you get over it is concerning. Have you asked her where she thought it was going when she was sexting him? Have you asked her what she thought would happen and what it would lead to when she went on a date with him? Have you asked her what her reaction would have been if she had caught you dating and sexting another woman and what she would have asked of you if she wanted to reconcile? She's needs to face that reality, she must have had in mind where it was going and leading to and she needs to be honest with herself about that in order for her to actually understand the damage she has done.

The fact she wants you to just get over it rather than doing the work to help you get over it is concerning. Have you asked her where she thought it was going when she was sexting him? Have you asked her what she thought would happen and what it would lead to when she went on a date with him? Have you asked her what her reaction would have been if she had caught you dating and sexting another woman and what she would have asked of you if she wanted to reconcile? She's needs to face that reality, she must have had in mind where it was going and leading to and she needs to be honest with herself about that in order for her to actually understand the damage she has done.

Yes, I’ve asked her all of that. She says it happened fast—that she was shocked someone she’d known for so long started saying those things to her, and she got swept up in the fantasy. She told me she felt deeply guilty whenever she was back in her real life with me. One night, during that week, she said she was "sick" and curled up on the bathroom floor. Turns out we had smoked a little, and the guilt overwhelmed her.

She claims the "date" wasn’t supposed to be a date—just a conversation about what was happening and how to pull it back. But he opened it by telling her how much he wanted to sleep with her. After she said that wasn’t going to happen, he told her the relationship could still be "mutually beneficial," then spent the rest of the night telling her exactly what he wanted to do to her. And when she got home, she went upstairs and sexted him back for the first time.

Here is an excerpt of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and I hope you wife is already reading it an implementing the guidance.

If not, seems like you are in "option 4"

4. Make a bungled, haphazard effort to save the marriage.

This option is usually chosen by a well-intentioned partner who is clueless about the depth of the damage caused by his/her unfaithful behavior. In his or her efforts to calm the hurting partner, the betrayer often says things like, "You should be over this by now" or, "I said I was sorry!" or, "What else do you want me to do? I can’t take it back."

The rely-on-my-own-judgment approach usually magnifies the pain and leads to a more drawn out blood-letting of the marriage until it dies.

I call this the "Detain and Torture Option."

She claims the "date" wasn’t supposed to be a date—just a conversation about what was happening and how to pull it back. But he opened it by telling her how much he wanted to sleep with her. After she said that wasn’t going to happen, he told her the relationship could still be "mutually beneficial," then spent the rest of the night telling her exactly what he wanted to do to her. And when she got home, she went upstairs and sexted him back for the first time.

That's BS. That conversation didn't have to happen in person. Shouldn't have been given previous boundary violations from the two of them. Yet she stayed there with him while he titillated her with what he wanted to do to her. Then followed up by returning the favor that night.

She goes into the office twice a week, and those days are brutal for me. I’ve told her I want her to leave the job—not to control her, but because I don’t see how we truly move forward while she still works with him. I just don’t want her to resent me for it. But honestly, I don’t think that place is good for her—or us.

It isn't. I'll go further if she stays working there for over a year, the damage to your marriage will likely be fatal.

I don't know for sure if she will resent me or not. I suspect she would. She was going to quit her job when I first found out, but she said because of how I treated her after (calling her names, berating her for hours) she wanted to stay there because they've been so supportive of her career.

That smacks of darvo. If she had considered another job pre-d day, getting one shouldn't be that much a stretch as she is making it.

She spent the first few days after I found out begging me to stay, crying nonstop—she could barely function. It felt like she truly understood what she’d done. But now, she keeps telling me I need to stop getting lost in the sadness of it all, like I’m somehow dragging this out. It makes me feel like she wants to move on without really facing the damage, and that’s hard to reconcile. We’re stuck in a trauma loop—my pain over what she did triggers her memory of how I reacted when I found out, which then circles back and keeps the whole cycle going.

Early days she was panicking think you were going to kick her out on the streets. Now that you have leaned in that doesn't worry her as much. If she was truly remoseful, the drop off wouldn't have been that dramatic. She be leaning in just as hard as you. Instead she's standing straight up and deflecting blame onto you. You need to understand, those "triggers" are more manipulative on her part than an actual trigger. If she was truly triggered by the bad names you called her she whould have been moving towards divorce. Being "triggered" allows her to avoid you holding her accountable and for her to rug sweep this away. She may think she'll save the marriage doing so, but in the end allowing her to avoid discussing this will just pile on the scars to you. There will be a point, one year or two is common, where the BS just has enough and leaves. No matter how much the WS doesn't want that. If she continues with that stance, your best path to healing would be to file and end the marriage now.

[This message edited by grubs at 6:16 PM, Wednesday, August 6th]

Well said, all great points especially about the "date". There was no reason for them to meet in person and even if it had to be in person, they could have stepped outside at the office and had a conversation. They didn’t need to go on a date and as the other poster stated, when he continued the inappropriateness she could have gotten up and left but she stayed and likely reciprocated during the date and she definitely reciprocated when she got home and started sexting him. No matter what she says all the evidence points to it being a date and she knew it and was ready to take things further as evidenced by sexting him that night basically to encourage him to keep pursuing her. You are lucky you caught it before it went further (albeit you don’t know 100% that it didn’t cause you only have her word and that means absolutely nothing right now). If you want to save this marriage, her attitude needs to change and you can’t be so easy and willing to reconcile.

That's BS. That conversation didn't have to happen in person. Shouldn't have been given previous boundary violations from the two of them. Yet she stayed there with him while he titillated her with what he wanted to do to her. Then followed up by returning the favor that night.

The date happened a day or two after he first crossed a line. I read the messages between those two points, and honestly, there wasn’t much of substance in them—nothing that really stood out.

Well said, all great points especially about the "date". There was no reason for them to meet in person and even if it had to be in person, they could have stepped outside at the office and had a conversation. They didn’t need to go on a date and as the other poster stated, when he continued the inappropriateness she could have gotten up and left but she stayed and likely reciprocated during the date and she definitely reciprocated when she got home and started sexting him. No matter what she says all the evidence points to it being a date and she knew it and was ready to take things further as evidenced by sexting him that night basically to encourage him to keep pursuing her. You are lucky you caught it before it went further (albeit you don’t know 100% that it didn’t cause you only have her word and that means absolutely nothing right now). If you want to save this marriage, her attitude needs to change and you can’t be so easy and willing to reconcile.

Yeah, he started sexting her when he got home from the date—that’s when he pushed things even further. Then the next morning, she messaged him and said it could never happen again. But the line had already been crossed, and she still chose to go that far with him after everything that happened on the date. It wasn’t just a moment of weakness—it was a series of choices.

Exactly! She chose to let the relationship get inappropriate, didn’t shut it down but rather doubled down and went on a date with him and then took it further with more sexting after the date. She made all of those choices, and others to allow it to escalate and you bet if you hadn’t caught, there would have been another date which went further. She keeps claiming that she was stopping it but then would quickly re-engage with the affair so it was going to escalate physically whether she will admit or not. That’s why you need to be careful with reconciliation until she really addresses what she did and what she was going to do and takes steps to prove to you (like quitting her job) that she is serious about changing what is wrong inside her that caused her to make those choices even though she knew they were wrong. Look, I’m not saying don’t reconcile, I’m a proponent of keeping marriages and families together, I’m just saying if it isn’t done right, she will cheat again and you’ll end up back here. Also if it isn’t done right and you don’t regain trust you will always suspicious of where she is and who she is with and that will lead to you resenting her. That’s no way to live.

She claims the "date" wasn’t supposed to be a date—just a conversation about what was happening and how to pull it back - I'm going to call BS on this. They could have easily communicated this via Text But she chose to go See him In person because she wanted to. I know that's hard to hear But if she was adamant about shutting it down it would have been a simple one sentence text.

Seems like damn near every cheating spouse who gets caught wants to rug sleep and move on, put it behind us, and that will never work. It will always be in the background festering and one day it will explode.

If she was 100% committed to saving the marriage then finding another job would not be a problem for her but it is because she values the job more than the marriage right now and you have to ask yourself why and be honest with your answer

It would have been so much better for me if my wife had quit her job but her job provides the medical insurance for the family and being a dad I have to do what's best for my family so I had to live with it. One night we were talking she asked would it be better if I quit my job and I said hell effing yes it would be but I have to do what's best for my family. He's not there anymore but that work location will forever be tainted for me and I used to like going there, I used to like helping out and volunteering but now I avoid it as much as possible.

Am affair, the gift that keeps on giving :/

BTW, the reconciliation happens at your pace,period, end of discussion. And if she doesn't like that she is free to move on

UseD2

What is it she signed, it's possible you can threaten a lawsuit if OM is not fired. Let OM fall on HIS sword.
This may be more so if OM had a history of affairs on the job

If you can find out who the other affairs were, tell the BHs.

If your WW pleasured herself to OM it's a physical affair.

Is the OM older than WW.

Get tested for STDs.

UserD2

Maybe the two of you need some vision. Maybe you two need to decide on some mutual goal, and then set some parameters on how to get there.

I can imagine her line-of-thought. She maybe still classifies this as "emotional" and therefore not really an affair... It’s bad, but not really THAT bad and therefore she can deal with it and you should be able to shrug it off.
This is actually very common and something we all do: We minimize our mistakes. As a cop I heard rapists explain how it wasn’t really rape – she led him on, how someone justified beating the crap out of another man because they spilt their drink, how they weren’t really THAT drunk driving, but only had flu. Heck... the worst was the pervert who insisted the young boys enjoyed getting oral and therefore no fault...

Then there is your line-of-thought that you maybe don’t know the truth, that this might be ongoing, that she broke your trust, that she needs to pay in some way...

Basically – the only options you have when dealing with a marital crisis is deciding if you want to work through it or get out of the marriage.

Sometimes we are clear on what we want. Sometimes we aren’t sure. Sometimes we don’t even know what options really are open for us. To reconcile both need to be on-board and working along an agreed agenda. To divorce it’s enough that one wants to divorce more than work along whatever requirements the other sets.

Like right now her requirements seem to be that you move on, that she remains at her place of work, that the affair wasn’t really that bad and that you simply trust her that the affair is over.
Your requirements are probably (or should be) that she acknowledges that this was an affair – like a real one, that she took part in it on her own free will, that she DECIDED to take part in it, that she offers accountable assurances that it’s over, that she quits the job, that she goes to therapy and eventually MC.

I’m suggesting you ask her to sit down with you and then you two decide what it is you want. You should remind her that you are both free to decide your future. If she really wants to experience being the OM actual physical lover she’s totally free to do so – but not as your wife. That there are certain obligations on BOTH of you that the marital vows bind you to, and that includes not only fidelity, but an expectation of mutual respect and caring.

I always suggest a betrayed spouse lets the other know that they are free to continue an affair, but that inevitably they will be found out, and that it will inevitably lead to the termination of the marriage. Therefore it’s just as good for them to let you know and get the inevitable over with.

When you have that sit-down you can lay out your requirements and talk about them. Why this requirement? Can we meet with some compromise? How can we enforce it?
Like... Her job... Works at the office 2x a week, her boss and HR know of the affair (along with Sue and Tracy in accounting, Peter in logistics, Joe the security-guy and about a dozen others...). Maybe a compromise to quitting MIGHT be you give it 3 months when you and wife meet with boss and ensure that she and OM never have to work on the same projects, or that she is in the office on days he’s not, or that the company ensures that he never has a business requirement to contact her. Maybe THAT compromise might do it for you.
Maybe the compromise is that she keeps her job, but that the affair is allowed to be common knowledge at the place of work. Experience shows that exposure tends to kill affairs. All of a sudden they can’t sneak to a "meeting" during lunch.

Basically – sit down and decide if you two want to remain married, and what requirements each sets to stay married – OR get divorced.
Discuss those requirements and try to set up an environment that can lead you from one small victory to the next.

It beats trying to solve this is separate corners...

What is it she signed, it's possible you can threaten a lawsuit if OM is not fired. Let OM fall on HIS sword.
This may be more so if OM had a history of affairs on the job

If you can find out who the other affairs were, tell the BHs.

If your WW pleasured herself to OM it's a physical affair.

Is the OM older than WW.

Get tested for STDs.

He has had more than one affair, yes. He told my wife about it in their chats. Yes, he's 20 years older than her.

I did get tested, twice.

Like right now her requirements seem to be that you move on, that she remains at her place of work, that the affair wasn’t really that bad and that you simply trust her that the affair is over.
Your requirements are probably (or should be) that she acknowledges that this was an affair – like a real one, that she took part in it on her own free will, that she DECIDED to take part in it, that she offers accountable assurances that it’s over, that she quits the job, that she goes to therapy and eventually MC.

I’m suggesting you ask her to sit down with you and then you two decide what it is you want. You should remind her that you are both free to decide your future. If she really wants to experience being the OM actual physical lover she’s totally free to do so – but not as your wife. That there are certain obligations on BOTH of you that the marital vows bind you to, and that includes not only fidelity, but an expectation of mutual respect and caring.

I always suggest a betrayed spouse lets the other know that they are free to continue an affair, but that inevitably they will be found out, and that it will inevitably lead to the termination of the marriage. Therefore it’s just as good for them to let you know and get the inevitable over with.

When you have that sit-down you can lay out your requirements and talk about them. Why this requirement? Can we meet with some compromise? How can we enforce it?
Like... Her job... Works at the office 2x a week, her boss and HR know of the affair (along with Sue and Tracy in accounting, Peter in logistics, Joe the security-guy and about a dozen others...). Maybe a compromise to quitting MIGHT be you give it 3 months when you and wife meet with boss and ensure that she and OM never have to work on the same projects, or that she is in the office on days he’s not, or that the company ensures that he never has a business requirement to contact her. Maybe THAT compromise might do it for you.
Maybe the compromise is that she keeps her job, but that the affair is allowed to be common knowledge at the place of work. Experience shows that exposure tends to kill affairs. All of a sudden they can’t sneak to a "meeting" during lunch.

Basically – sit down and decide if you two want to remain married, and what requirements each sets to stay married – OR get divorced.

Thanks—this is really thoughtful, and we’re actually working on something like this now with our new marriage counselor. Trying to get clear about what we each need to stay in the marriage, and what’s non-negotiable.

The idea of making the affair public at work is especially interesting to me. I told all of my friends about it—she’s only told one coworker. It feels unbalanced, like I’ve been carrying the weight of it out in the open while she’s been able to keep it mostly private. That silence protects her, and by extension, him.

Right now, you’re right—her requirements seem to be: move on, trust that it’s over, and let her keep her job. Mine are that she fully acknowledges this was an affair, that she chose it, that she takes real accountability, and that we figure out a real boundary with work—whether that’s quitting or a compromise like you mentioned, where HR ensures they never interact again.