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My now wife has seizures. Same history as your wife, head trauma when she was a baby.

My wife will go years without a seizure, but when certain cofactors come into alignment, she will have a breakthrough seizure.

Stress is definitely a factor and when combined with interruption of sleep, she will have a seizure.

My ExWW experienced extreme stress post D-day which caused a huge Shingles outbreak and other health complications. We tend to focus on what the BS goes through here on SI, but it’s no picnic being a WS.

If my current wife was in your WW’s shoes, she would definitely have breakthrough seizures. It sucks because the Neurologists will just increase her meds-dosages until it starts having noticeable neurological effects, decreased cognition, lethargy, etc., which makes reconciliation more difficult I would imagine.

I would do what you can to decrease stress, increase sleep, reduce alcohol consumption, maintain stable blood sugar-diet, all to stabilize her seizure threshold, avoid oscillations in her seizure threshold.

-Stress
-Sleep
-Alcohol
-Stable Diet-blood sugar.
-Strict medication regimen

Easier said than done when trying to recover from mutual infidelity trauma.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:43 AM, Tuesday, September 9th]

My now wife has seizures. Same history as your wife, head trauma when she was a baby.

My wife will go years without a seizure, but when certain cofactors come into alignment, she will have a breakthrough seizure.

Stress is definitely a factor and when combined with interruption of sleep, she will have a seizure.

My ExWW experienced extreme stress post D-day which caused a huge Shingles outbreak and other health complications. We tend to focus on what the BS goes through here on SI, but it’s no picnic being a WS.

Oh wow, it definitely sounds like you have a very good idea of what we're dealing with right now. You're right. While being a BS sucks, it's the worst experience I've ever had in 55 years, it's no picnic for a remorseful WS either. While I'm not saying it or threatening to, she's terrified I'm going to leave her now, and she's waiting for the day I go somewhere and simply don't come back home.

If my current wife was in your WW’s shoes, she would definitely have breakthrough seizures. It sucks because the Neurologists will just increase her meds-dosages until it starts having noticeable neurological effects, decreased cognition, lethargy, etc., which makes reconciliation more difficult I would imagine.

Yes, I'm sure this situation is what triggered this episode.

I would do what you can to decrease stress, increase sleep, reduce alcohol consumption, maintain stable blood sugar-diet, all to stabilize her seizure threshold, avoid oscillations in her seizure threshold.

-Stress

-Sleep

-Alcohol

-Stable Diet-blood sugar.

-Strict medication regimen

Easier said than done when trying to recover from mutual infidelity trauma.

Yeah, easier said than done, but I am trying to do my best. I'm calm, I don't yell, flip out, or put her down, tho I do dwell and ruminate from time to time still, and it's rough on her. I'm in therapy now tho, and she starts therapy tomorrow. Her sleep has been good, and her diet has improved. Her diet turned to crap and she had gained a fair amount of weight over the last few years, but in the last few months since d day she's improved her diet, become more active, and dropped about 25 lbs.

I appreciate the feedback and tips from someone who experiences something similar. Thanks.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:39 PM, Tuesday, September 9th]

So I found out some things about the newest medication she was put on called keppra at the beginning of the year. It comes with a slew of possible side effects. Up to and including mood swings, changes in personality, and tends to turn some people into rage monsters. She was put on a low dose at the beginning of the year and slowly ramped up to a much higher dose where she is now over a period of a few weeks. Which is right when we started getting into a lot of arguments and her AP came into the picture around the end of February...

I'm not saying this absolves her of her shitty choices, but boy, the timing of it all... she did change. She wasn't the same. It might explain how or why this came out of nowhere after 27 years of fidelity. She's leveled out now and has been a very remorseful and absolute angel for the last 5 months now, so I'm wondering if her body has now gotten used to the new medication. Well, that and the fact that she's making a concerted effort to be a better person in general now.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:39 PM, Thursday, September 25th]

That has to be reassuring to some extent. Hopefully she's feeling some emotional relief as well.
I can attest to medication really screwing up your mental state. I was on a nerve pain medication that sent me into weird spirals and bouts of anger. I had no idea what was going on until I read the fine print, which said suicidal ideations were common. I'd rather be in pain.

That has to be reassuring to some extent. Hopefully she's feeling some emotional relief as well.

I can attest to medication really screwing up your mental state. I was on a nerve pain medication that sent me into weird spirals and bouts of anger. I had no idea what was going on until I read the fine print, which said suicidal ideations were common. I'd rather be in pain.

I joined an epilepsy group with my wife on fb and came across an Adam Sandler "The Waterboy" meme that goes "Mama said keppra the devil!" A lot of folks joined in the conversation and I asked a lot of questions. There are some pretty nasty stories of people changing personalities and doing and saying things they'd never normally do or say on that drug. Some have had to get off of it altogether because those side effects can get pretty severe and affected their personal lives.

*Edit: She does seem to be a lot better now. If the mood swings and personality changes had continued we were going to have her switch to something else.

I don't blame you choosing pain over those side effects. The thing with drugs like that is, it doesn't always affect everyone the same way. Keppra does however, have a great track record for controlling seizures.

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:27 PM, Thursday, September 25th]

I'm not saying this absolves her of her shitty choices, but boy, the timing of it all... she did change.

This could definitely be an aligning cofactor, among other factors, that may have been lying dormant, ready to manifest at just the opportune moment.

My now wife’s seizure medication has similar side effects (lability of emotions or "mood swings", random anger or sadness) usually occurring in the evenings when fatigue begins to set in, is exacerbated by any alcohol consumption, and is very dose dependent.

Much like how alcohol can grease the rails of infidelity in those predisposed, I can easily imagine that seizure medication, and other meds, can have the same effect.

But just as you said, those other predisposing issues still need to be addressed. There are many epileptics out there who do not cheat.

One thing that she's been good about is no alcohol consumption. I can count the number of times she's drank alcohol on one hand and have fingers left over. She's acutely aware of the effects alcohol can have on an epileptic, especially when taking meds.

When we met, she had been seizure free and off meds for 16 years. We got married, had a son, and he was 7 years old when she had her first seizure in about 24 years. It was a grand mal. I'll never forget it, nor will our son. She was in the kitchen getting a glass of water. We were talking and she suddenly became unresponsive. I called her name and she just stood there staring blankly. Then she dropped the glass, collapsed to the floor, and started convulsing. Fortunately I knew her past and even tho I was scared I remained calm, but still called 911. That was one of about 3 grand mal seizures she's had since I've known her. Most of the time they're absence seizures where she just blanks out.

Her seizures were very infrequent, and once the few months passed where she was legally allowed to drive again, I reluctantly didn't argue with her about it. Well, she did eventually get into an accident... or 2... nothing deadly serious, but bad enough. It reached a stage where, while she's not having constant seizures, they're frequent enough that it just isn't safe for her to drive anymore, the law be damned. Here in AZ you're allowed to drive again after 3 months seizure-free. Something that she's very aware of, but I, and her Dr didn't want her driving anymore. That devastated her. She's always had a car since she was a teenager. That, combined with the new med led to a lot of arguments between us. Her wanting to drive, and me putting my foot down and refusing to give in. We had a really bad argument one morning on the way to work. She was letting me have it about driving, and I'd had enough. Her cognitive issues mean that sometimes she has the reasoning of a pre-teen. I hit the brakes hard enough for her phone to fall out of her lap onto the floor, and I dressed her down right there. "I do not want to get a phone call from a stranger telling me that you've been in a serious accident! I don't want to have to go to a hospital, see you lying there with a swollen head and tubes coming out of you while I listen to a Dr telling me that I need to make a decision whether or not to discontinue life support! What if you hurt or kill someone else?? WHY DON'T YOU GET THAT?? DAMNIT!"

Things changed between us after that argument. She changed after that. She withdrew and became distant. That is also almost precisely the same time her new med(s) reached peak dosage and her AP came into the picture. He too, just happens to be epileptic, and they'd been friends for quite a while. They had that connection, and of course he was way more understanding than I could ever possibly be, and of course he drives despite the danger. She started venting to him about her condition, me refusing to let her drive, our lack of a sex life, the unfairness of it all, and he swooped right in on that. Fucking asshole.

I've since done a lot of reading and research on epilepsy, became first aid certified in dealing with seizures, and learned there's a lot more going on than just having occasional seizures. Depression is very common, and would be especially amplified after having gone so long without any issues, then have it come back after so many years. I know now that she probably should have gotten some counseling for that. It also affects mood, thinking, energy levels, loss of independence, constant fear, and some physical effects as well, and that's not even taking into account the medication, which just exacerbates it.

I'm really glad that she's in counseling now, and she's been getting a lot out. She's obviously been discussing the A, but there's significant focus on her epilepsy and her relationship with her mother as well. Without getting into detail, her last 2 sessions were basically just her letting out some of the hard emotions she has toward her. Ma is getting older now, she's been a bit more demanding lately, and seems to forget or dismiss sometimes that her daughter can't drive now... which just feels like it's being rubbed in her face. They also discussed the likelihood of her new med influencing some of her decisions and mood changes, which she brought up to me, and I reminded her that no matter what effect her meds might have on her, she still knew/knows the difference between right and wrong, and she acknowledges that.

Anyway, progress? She seems to be responding very well to therapy. After her session yesterday she came into the room, wrapped her arms around me and said, "I just want to tell you how much I love you. I'm so lucky to have you, and I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I'm so grateful you've given me another chance, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life proving it to you if you'll allow it."

Not gonna lie, I had to choke back a tear or two. It really made me feel good to hear that from her. I love her to death, and she's... we've really been putting in the work to change and fix things. We no longer argue about driving. Our old marriage is dead, and I think in many ways that's a good thing. We had many issues, not the least of which was horrible communication. That's gone now. Our communication has improved leaps and bounds, and our new relationship is so much better, and so much stronger now. Our intimacy level has gone off the charts, and not just physically. We've made incredible progress in such a short period of time. I really believe were going to make it, and we're going to be much stronger than before. I just hate the circumstances that led to it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:29 PM, Friday, September 26th]

I was in a gas station at 2am once driving home after a late-night show, and when I asked the clerk if they carried a certain product, I couldn't understand why he seemed to be zoning out. It was extremely unsettling seeing his eyes glaze over. And then without warning, he collapsed behind the cash register and started seizing. I had never witnessed a grand mal seizure before. I called 911 and stayed with him until the paramedics showed up.

I definitely appreciate what you must have felt in that moment.

I was in a gas station at 2am once driving home after a late-night show, and when I asked the clerk if they carried a certain product, I couldn't understand why he seemed to be zoning out. It was extremely unsettling seeing his eyes glaze over. And then without warning, he collapsed behind the cash register and started seizing. I had never witnessed a grand mal seizure before. I called 911 and stayed with him until the paramedics showed up.

I definitely appreciate what you must have felt in that moment.

Yes, it's terrifying, right? Imagine seeing that happen to someone you love. I've witnessed her have 2 of them. The 2nd one happened in our bed in her sleep. It woke me up. She was seizing and stopped breathing for about a minute. It felt like an eternity. That was another 911 call. By the time the paramedics showed up she'd come out of it and was confused as to why there were a bunch of strangers in our bedroom... if she's not told what happened, she would never even realize she's had a seizure. It's so odd.

I've since learned of a phenomenon called SUDEP. "Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy." It almost only exclusively happens when someone has a seizure while sleeping. If I hadn't been there and knew basic first aid for seizures she might have died that night, and it still terrifies me. She was afraid to sleep in bed for the longest time after that. She'd start out in bed, but would get up after a while and spend the rest of the night on the couch. She's over that now. Since the A she's been staying in bed the whole night. We fall asleep with my arms wrapped around her every night now because she says it makes her feel safer. I'm more than happy to accommodate.

I have a friend whose daughter, 22 years old, has had 2 seizures. There has never been head trauma, birth injury, nothing. Sometimes they are just the wiring in the brain. This young woman has a very loving family, a great boyfriend, and enjoys everything about life except driving.

Instead of trying to drive, your wife needs to mentally rearrange how she views life. This is much like soldiers who have lost limbs, brain damage, etc. This is her life. She has a handicap. She can still enjoy all of her life without a car. It is up to her to figure it out and it is about time she did. A good therapist can help her but I also suggest she get a good life coach. They do not do emotional therapy. They look at reality and help their client figure out how to navigate their day to day lives.

Btw, anger is not doing any good and keeps a ton of negative energy floating through her brain. The more they study our brains the more they know how certain hormones have terrible effects on them.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:36 PM, Friday, September 26th]

I have a friend whose daughter, 22 years old, has had 2 seizures. There has never been head trauma, birth injury, nothing. Sometimes they are just the wiring in the brain. This young woman has a very loving family, a great boyfriend, and enjoys everything about life except driving.

Instead of trying to drive, your wife needs to mentally rearrange how she views life. This is much like soldiers who have lost limbs, brain damage, etc. This is her life. She has a handicap. She can still enjoy all of her life without a car. It is up to her to figure it out and it is about time she did. A good therapist can help her but I also suggest she get a good life coach. They do not do emotional therapy. They look at reality and help their client figure out how to navigate their day to day lives.

Btw, anger is not doing any good and keeps a ton of negative energy locating through her brain. The more they study our brains the more they know how certain hormones have terrible effects on them.

She hasn't driven for almost a year now. I've been very generous in acting as her chauffeur. Anytime she wants to go somewhere, I'll drop whatever I'm doing, put on a smile, and say "Okay! Let's go!" I don't even so much as roll my eyes when she asks. I think it's finally sunk in that it hasn't affected her independence TOO much, and she can still do many the things she wants to do. She just needs to rely on me for transportation now. There are so many people with her condition that have it a lot worse than she does, and she's seeing that in a group she joined on fb.I think she has cut back on her running around out of consideration for me, but also since d day we've been doing pretty much everything together now anyway. Which is another improvement to our relationship overall. I think she's finally adjusting to her new normal. Like I said, we haven't had a single argument about driving in several months, and now she even gets upset when she sees someone in her fb epilepsy group is driving against Dr's orders. She let one guy really have it. "You're going to kill someone!" she said.

She's working on her anger issues in therapy now, and it seems like she has a good counselor. My wife really likes her. She very much looks forward to her sessions and was deeply disappointed when her therapist called Wednesday to reschedule for yesterday.

We had family friends growing up the wife had classic epilepsy and always drove she liked to drink and as a classic 70s mom smoke menthol Virginia slime. In 1993 she had an accident driving and killed herself. She missed seeing her 4 boys all marry and raise amazing kids.
Glad she has resigned herself to giving that up.

Honestly it sounds like really positive progress. Congrats!

I’ve been a Paramedic for over 30 years and an RN, and all though I’m relatively comfortable dealing with a seizure, which is probably one of our most frequent and routine calls for service… it’s quite something different, heart breaking and very disturbing to see it happening to someone you love.

Getting back to the infidelity, my first wife, a wayward spouse, hit about the same age as yours, and we were entering into the same length of marriage as yours, when the cheating occurred.

I believe there are many different manifestations of cheating and cheaters. One manifestation I’ve experienced and observed, involves the emergence of coinciding life events and issues, stressors and milestones, advanced marital term, trauma, peer pressure, then opportunity, all coming into alignment with dormant, unresolved mental health issues that can predispose someone to cheat under coinciding circumstances.

In my ExWW’s case, the kids about to launch, impending empty nest, hitting midlife, 20 plus years married, got her pre-motherhood body and independence back, enabling toxic friends, all coinciding with serious underlying unresolved predisposing mental health issues, then-BAM! Enter Mr Wonderful, full of mind blowing flattery and unrealistic levels of empathy and understanding, and novelty.

In your WS’s case, it seems there too were multiple coinciding factors coming into alignment, into play at just the right point in time and circumstances: resentment, loss of independence, midlife, marital term, medication side effects, etc. that begin to exacerbate dormant underlying mental health issues perfectly setting the stage for the Perfect Storm, then enters Mr "Wonderful".

Mr Wonderful is anything but "wonderful". He’s an opportunist, a player who knows how to take advantage of those who are vulnerable. I hesitate to use the term "vulnerable" because that might imply that your WS is a victim, she is not. She is responsible.

She’s responsible for the affair, she’s responsible for neglecting her mental health, for not developing and using coping mechanisms, for not being self and situationally aware, for not thinking about you. She’s responsible for fixing her shit, to help fix you and the marriage.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:26 AM, Saturday, September 27th]

Enter Mr Wonderful, full of mind blowing flattery and unrealistic levels of empathy and understanding, and novelty.

You paint quite the accurate picture of Mr Wonderful. The coinciding factors you brought up for her are also very accurate. Add to that, like your XWW, her getting her pre motherhood body back. She switched positions at work a couple of years ago, going from sedentary standing still type of work to taking 16,000 steps a day. She started slowly shedding weight and was looking pretty good by the end of last year. She's proud of herself, but I'd like to think she's doing it at least partly for me now, because she got really serious about it after d day. She actually started trying. She started going on 4 mile walks outside of work a couple of times a week (I go with her, it's another "thing" we have together now), she changed her diet, and has lost almost 20 lbs in the last 5 months or so.

That's a whole 'nother double edged sword, but I'm convinced she's recommitted to me. We do everything together and she dresses pretty modestly, but she's looking fantastic and sure isn't afraid to flaunt it at home. I feel like I'm getting my wife back in more ways than one.

But yeah, Mr Wonderful is definitely an opportunist pos, but she had to be receptive to it for it to work. She's putting in the work to change, fix her shit, and exploring her issues in therapy. We're getting along better and are much closer than we've been in a long time, maybe ever. I know she's being sincere, because despite being blindsided by the A, I still know her well, and she can't put on a convincing act to save her life. That's how I caught on to what was happening so quickly. Her PA had only been going on for 2 weeks before I discovered it. I'd have caught on even sooner had it not been for foolish blind trust. I just never expected it after 27 years of fidelity.

You're definitely in the right about this. YOU HAVE TO TELL HER DOCTOR. This is something that might be changing or worsening with age, and as you say, stress and maybe she needs a medication change. She can't just be blacking out even for seconds at a time. She certainly can't drive like this. I don't drive generally, also for health reasons, and I understand how frustrating it is, but....that's the way it is. Life sucks sometimes. Life sucks much of the time, lol. But there are other things too, she doesn't want to be walking down the stairs or cutting food - or anything - and just have a black out. So it's definitely something that needs to be discussed. Not only because it's endangering to her, but it might endanger others too. Certainly it would if she drove.

As someone who has had health problems, some of them birth related, for most of my life, I understand her anger and frustration, but....it is what it is and we have to work around it. Are there other transportation modes she might be able to use that might give her some more independence? We have a local bus service for elderly and handicapped people here. It's not great but it's something. Maybe there's something like that in your area?

I do understand your wife's anger and frustration, I often share it, but the bottom line is....there's nothing you can do. It is what it is. As we get older, there's always more maintenance work. I think gratefulness exercises might help to lighten her mood - she's very lucky to have a husband as forgiving and protective as you. A lot of guys would have thrown her out on her rump. And that's the truth. So....sometimes we're as discontented and unhappy as we allow ourselves to be.