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I watched all of this horrific event unfold on social media and this woman’s whole life be taken away from her in an instant and it made me think "is the anger I’m holding onto worth it" My husband has done everything he should, besides have a fucking affair, but he quit his job, went immediately no contact, full remorse, complete transparency and it was a very short emotional affair but I have so much anger still. Is it worth it? We have had a really good reconciliation besides the times I am triggered and he works through it with me every step of the way but do I want to keep doing this? If I have committed to reconciliation then I need to let go of the anger, I said I would never forgive her but maybe I need to because she still has a hold over me, mainly because of my fear of running into her. I have spoken to her, text her but never seen her in person and it is a fear of mine but is it worth it? My husband has a dangerous job, that everyday he leaves there is a chance something could happen to him and today made me realize it might be time to not let him off the hook, but decide to take solid steps to move forward and leave it in the past. There are going to be triggers I need to deal with along the road and I feel confident he will be there 100% for those but life is too short. I decided I want US so I think that is what I need to focus on. Sorry for the rambling.

[This message edited by Emotionalaffair24 at 9:56 PM, Friday, September 12th]

No, the shooting didn't change my view on forgiveness, but I haven't looked at things on SM nor am I in the process of R.

If your WH is putting in the work and changing to be a safe partner, then you may wish to focus on rebuilding or regaining trust. The hard part is that rebuilding this takes consistent actions over time. Don't feel like you need to force it, and please be sure to realize that you can change your mind.

We all have different realizations from different events.

Yes, life is fragile and temporary. Get what beauty and happiness you can from it before it is gone. For some, that's the motivation to work harder R. For others, that's the motivation to realize you can't live in false R.

As posed, the question on which this thread is based is inherently political. Locked, perhaps temporarily.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:46 PM, Friday, September 12th]

Absolutely not. If anything, it firmed up my boundaries. When you put life events into perspective, some absolutely warrant a harsh reaction and some don't. I have been shot at, attacked in a HMMWV, slept on the ground in a tent for months, and almost died 2X. So I think I have a healthy perspective on what deserves no reaction, mild reaction, or a harsh reaction. Two people betraying you absolutely should have you cutting them off. There is no such thing as a little affair. Deciding that someone isn't worth taking up (anymore) free mindspace is great and I'm all for it. But rugsweeping a traumatic event because it could be a worse traumatic event, like being shot in cold blood, doesn't serve you well either. Sometimes that hate is just a healthy way to process trauma at first. Nobody should stay stuck in trauma, but mitigating how traumatic something is because it could be worse, doesn't allow you to process and heal either. If you shove something in a drawer that is starting to rot and stinks and leaving it there, only serves to let it fester and become a bigger problem to deal with later.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 5:49 AM, Saturday, September 20th]

IMO, you need to deal with your anger whether you D or R. Walking around angry is not good for your health - physical or emotional.

Can you release some anger by asking someone to change or by changing yourself? If so, my reco is to decide how much effort you're willing to exert to effect a change that will alleviate the anger.

Are you angry about something no one can change? If so, recognize that you can't change yourself or someone else to alleviate the anger, and let the anger go. It's not always easy to let anger go, but it's easier when you know that the sitch can't be changed.

Easier said than done, I know - but you benefit from processing your anger out of your body, and your best bet is to take care of yourself.

Nope. I have forgiven my WS, but I'm still going to divorce him. We're both 50+. I've already lost my health, and at times, death feels like it would be a blessing. There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation - he can have one but not the other - and current events have not convinced me that reconciling would be better than being alone (for whatever remains of my life) because I'm happier without him.

It hasn’t changed anything for me. I have not forgiven my husband for what he has done. He has not earned that IMO. He prolonged my suffering with trickle truth, continuing contact, etc. I’ll also never forgive the OW. They certainly don’t deserve that. They were fully aware of me, our child, there was catfishing, threats of outing, creepy obsession with me, etc. He invited that in of course, but they were something else.

I think CK or not, it’s always important to remember that life is short and can change in an instant. However that doesn’t mean stuffing down valid feelings. They still need to be worked through, people still need to earn forgiveness, etc. I am perfectly content without offering people forgiveness they have not earned. It’s not either or for me.

Nope! The point of indifference is to get to a point where you’re not bothered either way. It doesn’t mean you have to want bad things, but you can be indifferent.

It’s made me more forgiving on all accounts. Hating, grudges, resentment etc were hurting me far more than they were the recipient of those feelings. Life is short. The
More I let go of shit that was done to me the happier I am.

I didn’t mean it as excuse for anyone to be forgiven I guess I meant it as a reason to rethink holding on to things for too long. My husband has been fully remorseful and done everything right and I’m the one trying to figure out how to get out of this holding pattern I am in and I guess the message "life is short" hit home and that is all I meant by it. Did it make you rethink anything in your ability to forgive or hold grudges, not excuse anything anyone did.

I have studied how people interact with others based on their personalities. Some get past the insults, the pain, and move on. They might not feel forgiveness as much as just having a positive outlook on life. Others hold grudges. I have come to believe if you hold onto anger for years you are better off letting go of that relationship. If you have the capacity to encapsulate your anger and store it away until the venom is gone you probably have a better outcome. Of course how egregious the behavior(s) will be the most important, but most of us deal with garden variety cheaters. Those who come here with horror stories but still manage to R have my admiration. I think forgiveness is the wrong word. Acceptance suits better. On the other hand, if what is done by the ws has made the lives of their children, spouses/so hell on earth I would never even contemplate anything other having them completely out of my life.

No. We see evidence every day of lives cut short so this as no different an event than all the other senseless murders. When some of our dear SI members have passed - and they are still missed - those times have made me pause and re-evaluate my healing.

No it did not. There are some things that are unforgivable in my eyes like my CSA or my rapists. While I thought I could never forgive xWS I think I have finally reached indifference and have somewhat forgiven. Forgiven in the sense that I no longer want to hold onto it. While I do not forgive what my xWS has done to me or our son (he put his hands around his neck in anger once) I have come to the realization of what he did and sadly with his disorder the person he has to live with (himself). We are divorced and like one other poster said I'm happier without him in my life.

I tend to be a grudge holder but I don't hold them forever because I don't want to feel that way forever. At some point I let it go, doesn't mean I have to forgive but I have made some sort of peace with it and moved forward in a positive direction.

I understand what you’re saying and where you’re coming from. For me, the CK event didn’t really change my outlook per se, but tragedy in general has made me think more about how unpredictable life can be. Since my own day nearly 2 years ago, I catch myself running through the "what ifs" a lot more. What if one of us were diagnosed with a terminal illness, what if we faced an unspeakable tragedy? Those thoughts make me stop and ask myself how much more of my time do I want to waste being angry and resentful over something that can’t be changed.

I still have anger toward my H for the choices that shattered our family, but it’s not the all-consuming rage it once was. When it does show up, it doesn’t dominate me like it once did. As for the OW, she’s barely a blip on my radar. I don’t feel anger toward her so much as pity. She was never important enough to have any real hold over me, my H or our marriage. I’ll never forgive her, and I don’t feel like I need to—she simply doesn’t matter in my healing and she’s never truly held a space in my head.

My husband is different. My personal feelings, one day I want to (need to?) forgive him if I want to fully close this chapter. Forgiveness is such a fickle thing and I know it isn’t something I can hand over just because I wish I could. He has to earn it and it has to be real. I can’t rush it or fake it, and I’m okay with that — even if it takes years.

Life really is too short to live in constant resentment — I’ve spent such a long time living this way and I think you get to a point when you are ready to move forward.

That said, once you choose reconciliation, I do think it’s important to be mindful of how we show up as BS. It doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened, rather, it means making a conscious effort to live in the present instead of letting the betrayal call the shots every single day.

There is a difference between forgiving and not forgetting, which was evidenced by the bullet proof glass in front of Erika Kirk, ostensibly protecting her from the same type of evil.

One can find forgiveness in one’s heart, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that one needs to pretend that the event that needs forgiveness just disappears.

For some reason I left my answer out. No, it just made me realize that this wonderful internet we use every day has the power to heal and to harm. The vitriol I see from both sides, and it is without let up, had made me stop looking at much of anything.

I have made peace with the knowledge that my husband cheated. As far as I know it was never an affair. Just the garden variety I wrote about above. I would not forgive cruelty, which has never been part of our marriage.

When it comes to holding grudges, my MIL's situation (who will be ex-MIL at some point tho not all that soon LOL) has been very instructive. She and WS's father divorced when he was a baby, and she has held on to bitterness about that ever since. She won't speak to her ex, won't be in the same room as him, and wants nothing to with him.

I've always been a pretty forgiving person, and I knew that I didn't want to end up like her, so I made an effort from dday not to give in too much to anger, and certainly not to hold a grudge. It's one of the reasons I decided to leave WS - I could feel the bitterness starting to calcify in me, but since I wouldn't allow myself to express it outwardly, I ended up hating myself instead. I was trying so hard not be like MIL that I ended up too far in the other direction.

Another interesting turning point was the death of a good friend back in May. She was 45 years old and died of Huntington's Disease. At her funeral, her husband gave a very loving and moving speech, and I thought to myself: what if I die next week? What if WS dies next week? My answer to the former was that I didn't want WS giving a speech like that to our friends and family. It felt like another falsehood, and I didn't want him to have that kind of claim over my life. For the latter, I realized that I didn't want to have to give a fake loving speech about him at his funeral either. It really brought home how much my feelings toward him have changed - I neither love him, nor do I want to be at the receiving end of his love. I was very tired of pretending that I felt that way in order to "progress" with R.

Death can definitely bring up some big emotions, and it might make someone rethink their approach to life, including how they respond to their WS, but it won't always go the way you might expect.