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Ok my fellow Infidelity peeps, I need your help. Please. My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. We have been married 27 years and had a lot of many wonderful years with two children that are now young adults. My husband started to disconnect three or four years ago as far as I could tell, but what has ended our marriage is my discovery of him leading a second life with another woman/having an affair for the last two years. Without question you can imagine that I am deeply hurt and still trying to process and accept a new life without him. he is checked out and has no remorse so there is no hope for reconciliation or saving our marriage. What I am struggling with is I know in general, it is advised (by counselors) not to tell the wayward spouse your feelings, however, I feel that he needs to hear a summary of what I have been feeling and what I realized about our relationship in the last couple of years. We are separated right now and I have requested no contact, except for emails regarding our children and finances. He is respecting me. We have not had a violent or screaming break up situation and that is why I really want to write him a letter to communicate some things to him. It will not be accusing him or scolding him or hating him. It’s just about telling him how I feel and what I’ve realized and where we are now. Even though he has betrayed me and lied to my for a long time, I feel he has a bit of goodness left in him. What I want to know is have any of you done this before? And I’m speaking to the people that their wayward spouse has not had any remorse after the affair. He doesn’t love me anymore but he has told me many times he cares deeply for me. His love for me is different now. in my heart I feel I need to do this, but I don’t want to make a terrible mistake. That’s why I’m reaching out for your advice. Should I write the letter and give it to him? I have journaled all of my feelings already and it’s not doing the trick for me. I know he has changed but know what our relationship was for so many years before this happened. Thanks in advance and sending my best to all of you suffering out there like me 💗

Go ahead and write the letter. It might make you feel a little better just getting it out on paper, but you don't necessarily have to give it to him. That's what I'd suggest. Reread it a few times, mull it over, then maybe even burn it.

Write the letter and then sit on it for a while. If after some time you still want to send it then do so.

My wife got a letter via text the day after I asked her to pack a bag and leave. It wasn't a nice letter, it was written to make her feel disgusted with herself, to tell her how her selfishness may have just destroyed two families, how she is a hypocrite for doing the same thing her sister's fiance did and to remind her how disgusted she felt towards her future BIL when her sister called crying

Just writing the letter may be enfor you.

I wrote a Victim Impact Statement, like what a crime victim would submit before the sentencing portion of a criminal trial. Highly recommend it. But I never sent it and probably never will. It was cathartic. I would try to be strategic when deciding whether to send it. Weigh the positives with the negatives. What will it accomplish? Will it help you if you end up divorcing? Will it make him remorseful or just give him a rationale for fighting you harder over asset division and support? So, I join the others. Write it and hold it and decide later whether you give it to him.

Thanks all…

I tried for R with an unremorseful wh for 9 months after dday1. I told him a lot of my feelings in those 9 months as you can imagine, but now looking back after being divorced I really wish that I had not shared my feelings with him. He didn't care about them enough to not cheat, so he didn't deserve to know them.

I completely understand the need to share those feelings with him, but what you need to realize now is that he's no longer your husband. He's not your trusted partner of 27 years. He's a stranger, somebody that hurt you immensely, not somebody who loves you and cherishes you and honors you. I know how hard that is to wrap your mind around at this point in the process but it helped me a lot to remind myself of that when I was where you are now.

If I had a do-over, I would probably write a good long letter and put all of my feelings into it, and then sit on it for at least 6 months possibly even a year. If after that time period had passed and I still felt the same and still felt like I needed to share those then I might send it to him. But I know from my own first-hand experience that my feelings changed a lot once I got divorced and we were all done with the process. I didn't feel that same need to share 6 months out from my divorce and I don't think you will either.

Sending hugs your way. I promise it does get better.

The risk of anything written is that you no longer have control of the document. And it could end up anywhere.

I think EllieKMAS and others have excellent advice. Write it but don’t send it.

As you prepare for the divorce process, your focus should be on trying to clear you head and emotionally detach yourself from him so that you can mentally divorce yourself from him before the papers are signed.

The letter is counterproductive and it’s not going to have the desired effect that you think it will.

If your hope is that he will suddenly feel remorseful and want to stay in the marriage after reading the letter, then you are only setting yourself up for further pain and heart break when he doesn’t.

If you’re thinking that he doesn’t know how much pain he has caused you and how much you love him, trust me, he does— he just doesn’t care. If he did, he would’ve never cheated on you in the first place.

If you’re hoping that giving him the letter will give you closure or catharsis, it won’t. It will just be another rejection from him that you will need to recover from.

The fact is, your husband is no longer a person that you can be vulnerable with and share your deepest feelings without getting hurt. He’s not a safe partner. I know this because I put my heart on a silver platter to an unremorseful cheater and he crushed it in my face.

In short, your counselors gave you good advice and you should take it.