SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
I never imagined I’d be in this place, caught in the wreckage of my own actions, watching the person I love most suffer because of me. My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for nearly 5. And now, because of a single night of many bad decisions, everything has been shattered.

Ultimately, I made a terrible decision. I got drunk, I got high, but none of that excuses what I did. I had a one-night stand. I take full responsibility. I don’t understand why I allowed myself to get into that situation or why I didn’t stop it. But I did it, and it’s on me and that hurts.

The worst part is seeing the pain I’ve caused her. She’s in shock, then denial, then breaks down in sobs I can’t help her through. She doesn't even feel safe confiding in her friends because she’s afraid of being judged. I keep telling her she’s the one who was betrayed and I’m the one who will be judged.

I want nothing more than for her to heal. Of course, I wish that healing could include me, but I know that might not be possible. Whether she stays or goes, I want to support her recovery in any way I can.

So I’m asking: what can I do now? Do I give her space and move to the other side of the house (moving out isn’t possible at this point)? Do I try to talk to her, or is that selfish right now? I just want to help her find a path through this pain.

- Someone with less integrity than before

So I’m asking: what can I do now? Do I give her space and move to the other side of the house (moving out isn’t possible at this point)? Do I try to talk to her, or is that selfish right now? I just want to help her find a path through this pain.

I know I don’t have the answers to your questions.

Every betrayed has their own responses and needs. And those needs are going to be erratic and often times contradictory, so buckle up. My advice is to be humble and contrite and avoid any personal need to defend yourself, even if she accuses you of things that are not accurate. Remember, she’s probably going to feel like everything has been a lie. It will take time, if even possible, for her to see things as they are, not as her imagination will take her.

You seem to have the right attitude. It is going to be a very hard and long road ahead.

Asterisk

I am in the very early stages of reconciling so have no wisdom to offer compared to others who will respond. That said, I know the community on this site has been a huge help for me. I hope in the coming years I can be similarly helpful to repay the universe for all the time and effort from those who post regularly. I would encourage you to continue to post and engage.

Only other comment is that managing the shame is a challenge, but critical so you can be supportive when your partner needs you. I battle the shame spiral on the daily even though I know how destructive it is. No words of wisdom, but want you to know that you are not alone in those feelings.

Someone with less integrity than before

You are showing care and empathy for your wife. If you match that with honesty, active support, and deep self introspection, then you are actually someone who is stepping into integrity. I hope that is the case.

Listen to her and answer all of her questions honestly, but don't volunteer any physical details of the PA unless she asks.

And when you get the chance or see an opening, apologize. Then apologize again. And again, and again, and again. Make it sincere. Make it more than just "I'm sorry." Tell her why you're sorry, for hurting her and betraying her trust. You literally cannot apologize enough.

UN1986: Stay completely away from alcohol and drugs. You are saying that it is no excuse, but you are using it for an excuse. Drugs and alcohol make users/abusers not care. Why did you not want to care? What about STDs and an unwanted pregnancy involving your AP? You don't think it will happen to you? My STBX also used this for his excuse, but refused to give it up after I told him no more drugs and alcohol or we are done. So, instead he decides to use and lie. Drugs and lies everyday, until DDay years later. When the horrifying truth is discovered.

Thank you for the replies. I have a lot work and considering to do. I want to repair the damage I caused for my BS. I know it will take years, and more than likely end in D, however, I owe it to her. I will forever be reminded my treachery and forever be indebted to its damage.

UN1986: Stay completely away from alcohol and drugs. You are saying that it is no excuse, but you are using it for an excuse. Drugs and alcohol make users/abusers not care. Why did you not want to care? What about STDs and an unwanted pregnancy involving your AP? You don't think it will happen to you? My STBX also used this for his excuse, but refused to give it up after I told him no more drugs and alcohol or we are done. So, instead he decides to use and lie. Drugs and lies everyday, until DDay years later. When the horrifying truth is discovered.

While I agree that cutting out any drugs or alcohol is very good advice, and would be a good sign of contrition, I was a serious (but high functioning) alcoholic for decades. I also used to grow my own weed ('legally' - I had a card). I've never once even so much as kissed another girl in my 27 years of marriage, and have had more than a couple of opportunities. As for OP, I'd just drop the "I was drunk and high" part. It comes across as an excuse, and it really doesn't matter.

My wife? I could count the number of times she's drank in her life on one hand, with fingers left over, and she's the one who stepped outside of our marriage. I hadn't had a drink in over a decade at that point. I've resigned myself to the fact that "why" is a question I don't think will ever be answered.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:40 PM, Wednesday, September 17th]

It’s been a week since D-Day, and if anyone were an outside observer, they'd think I’m the BS. I’ve been a mess, emotionally drained, mentally wrecked, sick to my stomach. I just had my first full meal yesterday. I took the whole week off from work because I couldn’t stop spiraling. There were panic attacks every day. I’m still shocked and disgusted. Not looking for pity nor do I deserve it, just sharing.

Visually, my BS seems to be improving. She’s definitely better than she was earlier in the week, but watching her go through this has been painful. We’ve had deep conversations every day, and though she wants to make this work, she’s been very clear that things might change. I accept that. She’s more measured than I expected. We had a weekend that felt almost normal. I’ve reminded her, we can’t just ignore everything and pretend nothing happened. I suspect the shock hasn’t worn off.

I think what’s helping her though is that we’ve moved past a similar situation before, even though it wasn’t as deep of a betrayal and we questioned whether she was drugged (which was never determined and left doubts for awhile). But I forgave her, and that empathy is really what’s giving her strength right now.

I also wrote her a letter this week, which I read to her, where I explained why I did what I did. I talked about my mindset in the months leading up to it, and how I ended up making the decision that night. Ultimately, I’m the one who made the choice. Everything else is influence and speaks to root of my issues. I think the letter helped both of us. In it, I told her that what I did wasn’t because of her or something she did (or didn’t do), even though I know that’s a hard thing to understand. It was about me and my own selfishness. I also shared my plan for self-improvement, to make sure I never put myself in this situation again. I’m committed to quitting alcohol and drugs, going to counseling to work on communication and decision-making, identifying the deeper issues that are holding me back, and making amends where I can regardless of our outcome. We have our first MC session this week and she has signed up for IC. I hope they help her.

I’m holding on to hope, but the logical side of me knows this is going to take time and may never work out and that’s hard for me to fully accept.

BW here - full disclosure that my situation ended in divorce so take what I say with some salt.

She doesn't even feel safe confiding in her friends because she’s afraid of being judged. I keep telling her she’s the one who was betrayed and I’m the one who will be judged.

She will be judged though. She just will. Whether she stays, whether she goes, she will be judged for her decision either way. That was one of the hardest things for me to grapple with after dday and was almost the most unfair part of the whole process. I hope for her sake that she has at least a couple friends that she can lean on because she will need that outside support at some point. Please do everything in your power to encourage her to do that. It is great if she can talk to you, but I promise you there will be times when she will need to talk to anyone but you. I would also encourage her to find an IC that specializes in trauma - this is especially good if she doesn't have a couple trusted friends she can lean on.

So I’m asking: what can I do now? Do I give her space and move to the other side of the house (moving out isn’t possible at this point)? Do I try to talk to her, or is that selfish right now? I just want to help her find a path through this pain.

Let her lead this process for right now. If she wants you to sleep elsewhere do that. If she wants you to sleep in the same room, do that. Let her know that you are available to talk if she wants to talk, but don't try to force conversations to happen. You're navigating very choppy water and will be for the foreseeable future, so IMHO your best bet is to follow her lead. And it is good that you want to help her, but unfortunately part of being a BS is just slogging through the pain and a lot of the time that's a solo endeavor. You are still very close to dday, so she is going to be all over the place for a while. My dday happened in early November and it took me a good 4 months before I even started feeling anything like myself again.
The last piece of advice I have for how you can help her? DO NOT LIE. Ever again. About anything. Any lies at this point will kill any progress you have made to now. Honestly for me that was what ultimately ended my marriage - he cheated then just kept lying. It is impossible to rebuild any level of trust without honesty.

It’s been a week since D-Day, and if anyone were an outside observer, they'd think I’m the BS. I’ve been a mess, emotionally drained, mentally wrecked, sick to my stomach. I just had my first full meal yesterday. I took the whole week off from work because I couldn’t stop spiraling. There were panic attacks every day. I’m still shocked and disgusted. Not looking for pity nor do I deserve it, just sharing.

I imagine that being a ws trying for R is really hard. On the one hand I do think it is good that you are a mess right now - it shows that you understand the gravity of the situation you are in. On the other hand, please don't add to your wife's emotional load any more than necessary for right now.
In the weeks following my dday, my xwh had a couple big breakdowns. The wife I was before the A wanted to support him and be there for him, but the BW I now was just didn't have the bandwidth to help him. That was exhausting in a way I can't adequately describe.
If you haven't already, I would highly recommend that you find an IC for yourself and I would search for one that has a good understanding of trauma. You absolutely do need support right now, but it might not be possible for your wife to provide it at the moment.

We had a weekend that felt almost normal. I’ve reminded her, we can’t just ignore everything and pretend nothing happened. I suspect the shock hasn’t worn off.

You are right - her shock has not worn off and it will hit her randomly for years to come. I am 7 years out and haven't seen or spoken to my xwh in 6 years and it still hits me sometimes even now. While you are in R mode, enjoy the 'normal' feeling days - they are a gift for both of you. Please don't remind her that life is not normal right now because believe me, she knows.

Hang in there because this a marathon, not a sprint. You will take 3 steps forward and 5 back and some days it will feel impossible. But however things shake out with your marriage, you can heal and recover if you choose to do so. Dig deep. Figure out what led you to this. Be honest and authentic. Be patient, with her and with yourself. Learn how to love yourself to a point where any outside validation is just icing on your cake. Healing is messy and raw and hard but it is worth it.

I agree with EllieKMAS. I'm writing to add a couple of points from my experience.

My W sometimes - often - saw me, felt bad, and wanted me to accept a hug from her. I thought, though, that she wanted to give me a hug to assuage some of her guilt about her A. I hated that.

What I wanted from her in that case to own what she felt and ask me if I wanted a hug. That gave me the option of accepting or rejecting the offer in accord with what I wanted, not what she wanted. All she had to do was say, "I want to give you a hug. Will you accept it?'

Sometimes she saw me and thought I wanted some support. In those cases, I wanted to hear, 'You look like you'd like a hug. Will you accept one?' Again, that gave me the choice to accept, reject, or tell she was right or wrong. 'Tight/wrong' usually isn't a question at this time and for many months to come - just assume the WS is wrong.

But it's important to recognize that you and your W no longer can count on reading each other's body language. By sharing your interpretation of what you see in your W, you start to recalibrate your reading of your W's non-verbals, and you help her recalibrate hers. That's positive for both D & R.

Finally for now, you have needs. Your W isn't on the hook for meeting them, but you have needs nevertheless, and they're important. So ask for what you want, and encourage your W to ask for what she wants. Again, you can't count on reading each other's non-verbals right ATM, and you should remind yourself that you can never read anybody else's mind. It's tough enough to read your own mind.

Asking for what you want is not intuitive, but it really helps show what bonds hold you together.

Do NOT fear rejection. If your W won't give you what you want, R probably is a bad idea for you. A good M requires a good fit between what each partner wants for themself and what each partner wants to give. If the fit isn't good, shaking hands and splitting could be the best solution.