SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t posted in a while because honestly, sometimes reading too much about infidelity sends me into a spiral. But I’m at a point where I could use some outside perspective.

It’s been almost a year since D-day, and while my husband and I are still together, I feel like we’ve slipped into a "roommate stage." We go through the motions of daily life and yes, we still have sex, but it doesn’t feel like it’s for the same reasons anymore. Overall we are missing that deeper emotional connection and I’m really struggling.

We both went about three months without therapy recently, and I think that played a big role in us getting stuck here. I hate that we’re in this position, and I feel sad for him because my selfish choices put us here in the first place. I also feel confused because I keep thinking I "get" how to heal after infidelity, only to realize I don’t. At 3 months, I thought I had it figured out. At 6 months, same thing. Now we’re at almost 12 months and I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing at all.

I desperately want to move forward and fear getting stuck at this stage for too long will lead to divorce. I want us to rebuild emotional safety and connection and not just co-exist under the same roof. For those of you who have been through this:
•Did you experience this "roommate" stage?
•What helped you reconnect emotionally and physically in a way that felt real again?
•How long did it take before your relationship started to feel different? In a "good" way.

Any advice, encouragement, or even just knowing this is a normal part of the process would mean a lot.

Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint. For most couples, it takes at least two years to reconcile, often longer.

While I wanted to reconcile at one year out, I was still very uncertain it was possible. I was still very unsure about my WW. While I felt I'd finally recovered from the shock of it all, I was still very far from healed (that took several years).

I've never seen anyone describe a "roommate stage," although I totally understand what you mean. I don't think it's a stage. It's your BH sitting on the fence, withdrawing, taking time for himself, trying to heal.

Reconnecting and building trust, restoring real intimacy, takes time and consistency. Patience really is a virtue. Reconciliation requires a lot of patience.

After a dog bites you, how many times does it have to wag its tail before you’ll hold out your hand again?

Maybe, never.

All you can do is keep wagging your tail. (Smile at him, a lot.)

Best wishes.

I’m with Unhinged here. His advice is spot on. Keep in mind, the human mind fixates on yearly anniversaries. Birthdays, holidays, deaths, wedding anniversaries, the list goes on and on including infidelity anniversaries for it is marker of a death of your past marriage. It is not at all unusual for the one-year mark to be a time of reconciliation backsliding.

The 1st year mark is brutal and most likely all subsequent infidelity anniversaries will be for many years to come. I’m not trying to pour cold water on the advancements you two have made. I am only giving you my 32 infidelity anniversaries experiences as a lifeline of hope.

Your relationship can get better with patience and diligence on both parties involved. How you handle yourself is critical but equally so is how your husband chooses to handle himself.

It is my belief, that you have no control over his healing, and he has no control over yours. Yes, it is important to work together, and you, being the betrayer, have an extra burden of responsibility to shoulder, (which is part of what I think formerpeopleperson was alluding to.) but whether or not you become "roommates" or "renewed lovers" is a choice that you and your husband separately must decide if the risk of another betrayal is worth it.

Best wishes to both of you.

Asterisk

So, for some bs’s around this stage they can reach what some here refer to the plateau of lethal flatness. That first year is so intense, but as the year concludes there is a feeling of now what? The questions have been answered, they feel the loss but no longer in a grieving state.

It was around that time that my husband concluded he just couldn’t do it and asked for a divorce. We went to in home separation but then we backed up and tried again. Then he had his own affair. Which I am not saying at all that will happen to you. I am just saying it’s in this period of time the weight of all of it has created this exhaustion.

It would be my recommendation that you sit him down and say "hey I want you to know that I do miss our closeness, and I understand why it’s not there like before. Can we work on it? Is there things you need from me?" Reassure him that it’s okay if he needs space for now but make a commitment to keep communicating. Ask if he thinks maybe he would like to set aside some time to just talk and check
In once a week or so to work towards it. Make it clear that you are not pressuring him to feel any sort of way but that you just want to make sure that he knows your commitment to him is deeply there and you will take initiative to keep working on the repairs.

Another thing that helped was that I took initiative to show him active love no matter how flat he seemed. Nothing over the top, just little things to make his day better. With some consistency of that, there is reassurance that you do love him, you are being proactive and the marriage matters greatly to you.

It’s hard, I missed reciprocal love too. But if you remember to be the engine of it, my experience is it’s starts to flow again.

Another idea is maybe there is an activity that you both could pursue together. My husband and I had hiking. Nature can be restorative. Sometimes we talked sometimes we were quiet, and sometimes we even ducked from the path and made love.

Reconciliation is a long event. There are ebbs nd flows. I fel the best thing a ws can do it keep it moving towards the flows, and with enough consistency and commitment to that, the belief that you love them can return and trust can slowly come along with it. My husband noticed it, as I was an avoidant, and in many ways staying out of my comfort zone made it easier to return to his.

Oh and I often recommend a book that helped me greatly with understanding connection and vulnerability was "rising strong" by brene brown.

I probably have already told you that and you may have already read it. If not, I picked it up about the time stage you were in and it really helped me glean some effective strategies for what I described above.

I agree with unhinged, except on the 2 years. SIers used to hold get togethers, so I've met a number of people who have been well into R. I never met a BS who didn't say something like, 'Well, SI says '2-5 years' but I guess I'm slow.'

I also agree with hiking = if you want emotional closeness, ask for it. By asking for it, you'll let your BS know you want it.

I agree with unhinged, except on the 2 years. SIers used to hold get togethers, so I've met a number of people who have been well into R. I never met a BS who didn't say something like, 'Well, SI says '2-5 years' but I guess I'm slow.'

I also agree with hiking - if you want emotional closeness, ask for it. By asking for it, you'll let your BS know you want it.

You said this was an emotional affair with just digital photos but you knew this person, you worked with them, you went to their house, you knew his wife, you knew his kids.

You got blackout drunk with the AP but it was never physical? You never touched each other? I would have trouble believing that.

Did your husband meet this person? Was your husband worried about the affair before it was exposed? Did you lie and gaslight your husband during the affair? How was it discovered? What did you trickle truth about?

Have you minimized the affair?

I think all of these factors play into your reconciliation.

Please let me know if I have misunderstood anything.

I agree with unhinged, except on the 2 years

So then why are all newly minted BS’s still told "2-5 years" here? Earlier this year a "Guide" said full healing can be in one year.

Can anyone point me to a single example where there was adultery and then everyone was fully healed in 2 years?

**Member to Member **

You've raised this issue before, gr8ful, and I addressed it then. I've written 'the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover' for pretty much as long as I've been here. That's what I think I wrote above, adapted to the context.

You seem to read '2' and '2 to 5' as the same. I hope you're alone in that; I don't see any significant similarity in this context, although I agree that '2' can be viewed as a subset of '2-5' in some ways.

Yes, a guide said they thought R could be accomplished in 2 years. I don't know that they were wrong. I could have declared victory when I was 2 years out, but I'm pretty conservative - I don't declare victory until I have more proof/support/evidence than most people need. But even at 2 years out, I was pretty sure we'd succeed in R. I had made a big bet, and it was already paying off.

You should have been around when an active member always shared that they R'ed immediately - she never reported any new infidelity, IIRC. I could have done that, too, and I'd have been correct. (I thought both of us would continue to do the necessary work. Ididn't declare victory in early 2011, of course=.Instead I bet big on R instead, thinking the odds were well in my favor. Yup - that's a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

What do you need to read to put this issue - that some people think 2 years is enough to R and some people think it usually takes longer - to bed?

*****

Are you a BS? A WS? Not directly involved as either BS or WS? I don't have a strong memory of seeing your story with us, but I have vague memory you're a BS with an unusually horrific story. If my memory is close to correct, I'm sorry. It would benefit many members, I think, if you shared your experience again or for the first time

*****

I think the best way to help people is to share one's own experience.

If there are inconsistencies in the sharing, I can confront them, but usually I read, respect, and try to remember the sharing.

I do have trouble when a poster attempts to project their experience onto others. I know some new members read sharing as advice. That's the reason I share details - the details allow a reader to compare their sitch with mine. Eventually they'll see, I expect, that 10 years of M with kids is very different from 45 years with no mention of kids, and they'll conclude that what worked for me may not work for them.

I don't want anyone to think I know what's best for them (with an exception outlined below) because I do not know anyone but myself, and I'm not sure of that.

I am convinced - and here's the exception - is that it's best for everyone to look inside and figure out their strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats, what they want, what they don't want, what they fear, wear they are, where they want to be, and the best they can do to get from where they are to where they want to be. That's something one can only do for themself.

For SI members, their M is a burning platform. Their life is a burning platform. I suspect most new SIers want someone to tell them how to put out the fires and build great lives. It's a fool's dream. The best way by far to proceed is to take responsibility for oneself, realize blazing platform is a metaphor, and blaze one's own path from pain to healing.

If you release some of the pain, you'll start getting some clarity about your own situation and some objectivity about the situation of others.

(signed) sisoon

Yes, a guide said they thought R could be accomplished in 2 years.

I believe you misread my previous post. The "guide" said full recovery can happen in as little as ONE year. So why am I beating this drum? Because I think "we" do a great disservice to the newly betrayed, when they are told "2-5", and at least in one case (would you like me to post the link since you don’t seem to believe me?), a guide said one year when in reality I’ve never seen a single example where full healing in R after adultery has been in 2 years. Is not "2" a part of "2-5" ?

I believe that phrase is disingenuous (at best) as I don’t recall a single circumstance where a BS fully recovered in R after adultery in 2 years. I HAVE seen BS’s seemingly healed after adultery in D in 2 years, but that’s obviously not in R. I believe it’s wrong to give newly betrayed false hope and/or an unrealistic timeframe. I think it’s far better to give them a realistic, yes, sobering view of all that entails a successful R (which I am defining as far more than simply remaining married). While outliers always exist, anecdotally it seems 4+ years would be the on the short end.

Since this "2-5" is standard fare here, certainly you can point me to examples of fully healed in R after adultery in 2 years. I’d love to see them. Honestly. I am fully prepared to believe I have missed all of those.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 11:09 AM, Saturday, September 27th]

I think the answer is......it takes as long as it takes. Especially with something like sex which for a Betrayed can be incredibly hard because...you're sharing your body with someone who deeply betrayed you and why would you want to. I don't. After 10 years, I still don't. I'm not interested. Now I'm older so that's probably a big part of it, but realistically....sometimes it doesn't come back. Whether that's true in your case or not, I can't say, of course, but I can tell you, it takes as long as it takes. If you can't wait it out then you might want to think about divorce. I'm serious. I understand you have needs too, but there is no way to wave away the massive damage that is done to people's souls with infidelity. For many people, this is a soul destroying thing and they're just not gonna want to have sex with you, or maybe anybody. There's a lot of trust involved with that. Some people just think in terms of banging gonads, but for others....it's a soul merge too. So discuss this with him, of course, but be aware, it takes as long as it takes, and it might not happen. Or it might and then it reverts back. This is not something you can control at all. It's one of the big costs of infidelity that I wish people were aware of before they do it. There are costs that keep going on. It's like what the dying Messala says to Ben Hur at the end of their race.....the race continues on....it goes on.

There are varying levels of infidelity. Not to compare them from a pain perspective- they are all painful. But recovery from someone who did something at 18 one time when you were dating, confessed then, got into therapy and figured their shit out and then never did anything remotely close to an A IS different to heal from than someone who had multi-year, multi-partners, never confessed brought home an STD, and then blamed the BS for all of it because they don’t like how they wash the dishes.

Either scenario can result in R, D, or limbo. But I was suggest that recovery time for the BS will vary greatly. Thus the 2-5 years. And that doesn't take into account the baggage the A brings up in the BS. Some folks really do walk the black and white line and they may heal in 2 years. Others may have to process years of other traumas or issues and it may take that BS longer to heal enough to even start working on rebuilding the M. Everyone is different.

Lastly, everyone will define healed differently. There’s no objective measure of healed, so each person gets to decide for themselves what that means to them.

The 2-5 years is a bell-curve. The majority of folks will not be at the beginning tail.
Like healing, none of this is a simple straight line.

Often when we see a poster get riled up on something, we later see that the issue that bothered them is the one they needed to address with themselves. It’s a good place to look at oneself and ask WHY this bothers one so much.