SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BH and I had another long-awaited MC session a few days ago. Because we had tried again the night before to talk through the sticking point we were having and that ended with me fleeing the bedroom and spending a sleepless night on the couch because I was SO triggered by the argument that ensued… I came to the session with a PowerPoint presentation. It was very important to me to be able to lay out my thoughts in an organized manner, and I thought some diagrams and illustrations would help. (I know, I know. That’s some next level crazy bish type behavior. I am a crazy bish.)

While BH admitted to me afterwards that he completely tuned me out while I was "presenting," it felt really good to have the therapist validate most of what I was saying. There is a distinct difference between thoughts/beliefs and feelings, and I was able to describe accurately that (and where their overlap comes in. Praise Venn diagrams!). BH was sharing beliefs about my feelings, not his own feelings. BH is formulating short-term-self-protective beliefs that puts distance between us, which isn’t conducive to reconciling. Recognizing that thought pattern and interrupting it is what one does in CBT. The MC told him that it may be very difficult right now, but that’s part of "choosing" to try to trust me again while we’re rebuilding the relationship, and she recommended he explore other methods of therapy (like CBT) with his IC. (They opted not to do this at his last IC session.)

Overall it seemed like BH was still completely resistant to hearing me out, but I think enough of the presentation seeped into his subconscious that he rephrased some of my points and posited them as if they were his idea. I was pleased with this, of course, and let him think that they were. Progress is progress. I’ll take it!

Sort of unfortunately but also fortunately at the same time… We are no longer seeing that MC because she had very limited availability and also always seemed to be walking on a treadmill during our sessions, which was very distracting. We are starting with a new one tomorrow, so hopefully that one seems a bit more… committed to the gig, I guess. It’s very important to me that BH feels comfortable and satisfied with our MC.

I had my first session with my new IC today, and she seems much better informed re: the effects of infidelity on one’s psyche. And while she still tried to make some excuses for me (maybe in an effort to make me feel better about what I did?) I think I can gently discourage her from doing that. I don’t really want to feel "better" about what I did; I think there’s some preventative element there with preserving at least some of the shame surrounding my infidelity… It has been more helpful to think that I am no longer the same person who could do such a thing as cheat on and lie to the love of my life. I am re-constructing myself as a new, more honest person who is working through her trauma— though it for sure hasn’t been easy so far, and this will be an extensive project.

I think that’s about all I can do for BH for now, and he has his own healing to do. As he (re)phrased it, he is "promising to be the person I need him to be, as long as I promise to be the person he needs me to be."

We saw the new MC yesterday. He was an older gentleman who was, at times, a little hard to understand… I wasn’t sure of him, but I said I’d give him a chance at least. BH said that’s the first time in counseling he felt understood, though he worried I would feel attacked. I didn’t.

The MC said this obviously is a pattern, where, maybe I feel abandoned by BH, like he’s pulling away from me, and that is the trigger that lets me put my guard down against infidelity. I had t thought of it that way before. I think that’s helpful… I’m pretty sure I could never, ever do this again, but extra awareness of the circumstances that make it more likely to happen sure couldn’t hurt.

I have read a number of your threads but haven't commented yet. 2x4 incoming, but it's not meant to personally attack you. It comes from hard-earned experience navigating the shitshow that I too created with my own horrible choices.

I'm a fWH (55). My BW (51) and I are now 6 years past D-Day and I am eternally grateful she has given me the undeserved gift of R. I have also been with my IC going on 7 years this November. You can read a bit about me on my profile and some of my recent posts.

Now that I've introduced myself to you...

A Power Point? You actually subjected your BH to a Power Point in MC? A Power Point (if I'm understanding what you wrote correctly) designed to tell him all the things he's just not getting about R???

My goodness. How he didn't walk out of there, I don't know. My BW would've strangled me with the projector cord before I had a chance to plug it in. While I'm sure it felt wonderful for your former MC to validate all your points, do you think your BH may have felt ganged up on? Attacked in a place that was supposed to be safe for both partners, which is why he shut down during your PP?

A few months after D-Day, my BW suggested we go to MC. She did the research and found one for us. I tried to discourage it on the advice of my IC, but she insisted we go and so we went.

We lasted 2 sessions. She told me, "I should've listened to you. Maybe we can try again at some point when you've unfucked your own head a bit more and I'm not so traumatized by your shit!"

I'm glad you started with an IC for yourself. My advice is to stick with it for a long while (both you and your BH) and drop MC for the foreseeable future.

It has been said here many times by very wise people that MC is an absolute mistake until both the WS and the BS have healed themselves. We didn't try MC again until January of 2023. Three-and-a-half years after D-Day before we were both ready to make it work.

I was extremely lucky to find a good IC from jump street, somebody who called me out on all my crap excuses and got me to start looking in the mirror and truly finding WHY I was capable of betraying the spouse I had sworn before God to love, protect, and cherish while forsaking all others.

Having no one to talk to isn't a why. It's an excuse. Being a conflict-avoidant people-pleaser is a why. Ask me how I know.

I'm glad to see you posting again. Please keep doing it because it helps a lot of other people besides yourself. I wish you and your BH all the best going forward.

A Power Point? You actually subjected your BH to a Power Point in MC? A Power Point (if I'm understanding what you wrote correctly) designed to tell him all the things he's just not getting about R???

Again, the PP was to help organize my thoughts and explain them in a way that was easy to understand… Much better than going in circles over and over.

He was constructing false narratives and beliefs about my feelings, and then getting upset over the thought of them and my reaction to that. If he wants to do that, that’s fine. He’s his own person. But it was confirmed by the MC that it’s not helping us if our end goal is reconciliation, so I’m not going to lie next to him, night after night, reiterating what my *actual* feelings are in a futile attempt to comfort him if he’s just not willing to try to believe me. There’s no point in it, and I don’t feel bad at all for not wanting to subject myself to it, especially when it literally triggers me so badly that I want to rope. I’m grateful for any chance at reconciliation… but that ain’t a chance at reconciliation. That’s a dead end.

Fortunately it seems we have moved past that, and have returned to more productive conversations. I’d make a thousand PPs if that’s what it takes to communicate clearly and keep us making progress.

do you think your BH may have felt ganged up on?

Probably. But sometimes in MC one spouse is going to have a valid point that the other may not want to accept. That’s what the neutral third party is supposed to be for: providing additional perspective where it’s needed. She certainly gave him lots of opportunities to chime in with his thoughts and feelings on the matter, which we were willing to consider equally as much as mine were considered. At some point one just has to be open-minded and mature enough to receive the counseling. We’re all on the same side here, trying to solve the same issues; it’s not 2v1 or 1v1v1.

It has been said here many times by very wise people that MC is an absolute mistake until both the WS and the BS have healed themselves.

MC has been helpful to us even while we work on ourselves in IC. We both felt that going three weeks between appointments was really challenging for us, and we’re looking forward to weekly sessions with the new MC going forward.

Having no one to talk to isn't a why. It's an excuse. Being a conflict-avoidant people-pleaser is a why.

I am not making "excuses." I am reporting and examining the facts and circumstances that

contributed

to my choice to commit infidelity. It is quite literally the truth that I have zero adults to talk to outside of my husband, and that is a problem I need to solve because a) he should not be the one solely responsible for meeting ALL of my social needs, and b) having other people to talk to is the only way I’m going to uncross my wires and disconnect platonic conversations from intimacy. I am neither conflict avoidant nor a people pleaser, and I did try many times, before and during the affair, to communicate to my husband that I needed him to talk with me more… In the future, I will simply be more direct and persistent with that communication (More PowerPoints even, if necessary!). The new MC has suggested to BH that he might need to listen more closely as well, and that we should have nightly check-ins with each other when possible.