SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, so my wife had an affair. I don't trust her. Everyday I'm closer to a divorce.

But what I'm really trying to wrap my head around is how I deal with the reoccurring intrusive thoughts and the consistent lack of trust I have for my wife. It's not healthy, but I haven't really been able to think of anything my wife can reasonably do to stop this from happening.

I mean I think outside of my wife throwing all electronic devices into a pit of lava, never leaving my side, and telling me repeatedly that she's sorry and will never hurt me again, there's probably nothing that's going to change the lack of safety I feel in this relationship.

For people that have been betrayed and either stayed with her partner or left and moved on to other people, how do you stop thinking that everything someone says to you may be a lie? How do you stop wondering if people are just inherently selfish and incapable of a minimum amount of courtesy to the people they are involved with?

Like every time my wife changes plans with me, it triggers something where my brain goes into hyperdrive, and I just start wondering if there's an inappropriate reason that she can't eat lunch with me today, or she will be an hour late, or whatever it is.

And seriously, I don't want to babysit her or anyone else. Because she's really smart, if she wants to have another affair, she's going to have it regardless of if she's showing me GPS locations or taking pictures or whatever. I don't feel like it's my job to play defense here, I feel like it's her job to just be a good person. So how do I balance what I feel is the reality of the whole situation and my continued feelings that I shouldn't and can't trust her to do that?

Yes, divorce is still the direction I'm going, but it feels like even after divorce this will be something I'm going to carry with me for the rest of my life.

There are so many variables in this scenario. You might be one of those personalities that cannot let go and will hold a grudge for the rest of your life. That does not mean you are a bad person. It just means you inherited that particular personality. You have to look at how long the relationship lasted. You have to look at how intense it was. You have to look at the lies that were told to you. You have to look if her emotions were involved. You have to look at how long it lasted. You have to look if it was once or this is a Repeating behavior. All of this goes into whether you can get past it happily. As you know, the name of this forum is surviving infidelity. However you have it, is so personal that the only thing people on here can do is make suggestions. Do not go to marriage counseling right now because she needs her own to find out what caused her to behave this way.

After divorce and all the shock and trauma dies down and life takes on your new normal, I think we all analyze what happened from a place of calm. I like to think in those moments is where my bullshit meter got a major accuracy upgrade. While I no longer operate with hyper vigilance, a new type of vigilance took over where I notice more of what’s going on around me, what people in my sphere are doing and saying and creating a version of situational awareness.
I’m pretty happy I have that now. I’m not sure I would have it if a cheater hadn’t entered my life.
No one just gets my trust automatically. They have to earn it. But that’s the way it should be. Blind trust from the get go is just setting yourself up for possibilities even worse than getting cheated on.

It can take an extended amount of time to stop being suspicious of your spouse.

In the beginning it starts with "what are they really doing at work?" As in did the cheaters text each other or meet for lunch or meet after work?

Then it goes to "how do I know they won’t do this again?" And that thought process slowly dies down with consistency and remorse and doing everything possible to make amends that shows the cheater is invested in the marriage.

But it takes time. And it also has to do with the betrayed’s healing to stop having "I wonder if…." Thoughts.

Trust can come back. 100%? Probably not. But it really depends on the cheater IMO.

For years my H was very good about telling me where he was (his idea not mine). If he went to a store for a part or item and they didn’t have it, he’d text me to tell me he was going to another store. It showed he was very considerate of my feelings and trying to do everything possible to make amends.

For the first year of R I used to ask myself - what if he does cheat again? Can it be any worse than right now? The answer was no / dday2 was the worst and so was the months that followed. And if he did cheat it was simple - we will D and he leaves the house. Done!

Believe it or not that stopped me from fixating on the "what if" mind blowing stuff only a betrayed could understand.

I hope this helps you.

One approach to intrusive thoughts that worked for me was to figure out what feelings underlay the intrusive thoughts, and go directly to feeling. Once the feelings were allowed out, the thoughts stopped for a while.

Another approach that worked was to let the thoughts go until they ended naturally.

*****

When I was 2.5 years out, I raised the issue of continued lack of trust in an MC session. Our MC cut me off immediately - 'It's too soon,' she said.

How far out are you? If you found SI soon after d-day, it's way too early to trust your WS. Ittakes so many trust-building actions that a year is simply far from enough time to rebuild trust.

IOW, be happy that you don't trust her. Celebrate your good sense.

*****

Congratulations on realizing we're inherently selfish. I think that's why so many of us stay because we want to be with our former WSes rather than need our fWSes.

*****

So I think your life going forward ought to accept that you have and should have wants. Most important when you're choosing between D & R, IMO, is what do you want your WS to be doing to rebuild your M.

What are your requirements for R?

How will you tell if your WS does or does not meet those requirements?

Has your WS signed on to meet your requirements?

My bet is that you know what your requirements are - but they're not real unless you have ways of measuring whether they're met or not, and they're not real until you've agreed with your WS that your WS will meet them.

Once you have agreement, actions need to be monitored and appropriately responded to. IOW, if you or your WS have an issue, you need to resolve the issue.

Without the above type of structure - or a variation you and your WS agree on - I think R will fail. In fact, without that sort of structure for yourself, D will fail, too.

A good life requires resolving issues.

*****

I think you may be making the mistake of believing what is will always be. Your thoughts and feelings will change. The thoughts that intrude today will not always intrude.

*****

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:09 PM, Friday, September 26th]

Thank you all for responding.

@The1stwife
It has helped me a lot to think about being on a path to divorce. Each time something happens where I feel distrust for my wife, I now usually calm myself by thinking that this is only temporary because I'm on the path to divorce and this will eventually not be my problem anymore.

I think this is similar to what you were saying, and it's helpful to know that I'm not alone in this.

@sisoon

"Celebrate your good sense."

This hit me pretty hard, in a positive way. I think this is helpful too. I don't know much right now, but I do know that being cautious (even if overly cautious) is the right thing to do. I just don't enjoy it because it makes me feel so trapped and alone.

But I think celebrating my good sense is a much better way to look at it. It feels less trapped, and when combined with my focus on a path to divorce (see above), it's centering. I do still feel alone, which is probably the biggest reason I post here. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person to go through this type of thing. The support here is honorable.