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As I look at my failed (failing) marriage in retrospect, I can't help but see a pattern of incompatible needs, goals, desires, and expectations.

It seems so obvious now, a year after discovering an affair, and almost a year of trying to reconcile. After two marriage counselors and like four individual counselors. After hearing my WW tell me that she should've never married me and she should've left me multiple times.

I didn't know we were so incompatible when she asked me to marry her. I didn't know we were so incompatible when she asked me to have kids with her. I didn't know we were so incompatible when we were seemingly having fun together.

But it's clear as can be now.

I love to go to the movies. I know it's overpriced and you have to put up with strangers doing dumb shit. I know the floors can be sticky and the trash can be everywhere. I know the movies are often bad and disappointing. But it's a good time for me. I'm 52, and I grew up escaping at the movies. It was a distraction from the pain of life, and I loved it because it was kind of like guaranteed time that I didn't really want to be anywhere but where I was.

Before I met my wife, I used to go to the movies by myself mostly. But I would take dates there too, and it was a good time (for me). But my wife recently told me that she never really liked going. And even though I invited her to a movie tonight, she's too tired from work, she never really has fun anyway, and she quote "needs to find something fun to do on the weekends, because if I don't then my life will just be couching rotting".

I've gotta tell ya, this might be the biggest red flag yet. 24 years with this woman and all the times we went to movies she didn't' even like it? WTF is my life.

Anyway, I'm interested to hear people's thoughts on compatibility. Because my relationship with my wife aside, I don't know what to even expect anymore. It feels like the goal posts are set by everyone based on how much they like being around the person they're with, and compatibility is really not the same thing as "I don't like movies like you do." To me it's more about can you find things to do together, just because you want to be around the other person. Not so much, can we do things together that I would do by myself without the other person regardless. Like I think many of us can remember meeting someone new and feeling like it didn't matter what we did together as long as we were together. Well, I used to feel that way about my wife, and I thought she felt that way about me. But now we can't even see a movie together, and we can't stay home and couch rot together. What can we do together? Pay bills? Cook dinner? Mow the yard? Hot.

I'm going to go see One Battle After Another tonight. Alone. No place I'd rather be.

[This message edited by 4characters at 8:44 PM, Friday, September 26th]

I’m sorry but I’m going to give you my opinion on your wife. As kindly as possible.

She’s a very selfish person who has lied to you for decades. You loved her, treated her well and were kind snd loving.

She, on the other hand, has said some awful things to you that many of us here at SI would have taken as "the last straw" and gotten the hell away from her.

It may take you years to unwind from her specific brand of manipulation and abuse. In a nutshell she’s a fraud — she pretended to be something or someone that she never was. She’s lied to you and misled you and now decides to become cruel and heartless with her "telling the truth" narrative.

Please try to find a good therapist who can help you through this. You deserve better and I honestly think there is a better alternative to living with a broken person who is a fraud.

Things to do together? Not much IMO. She doesn’t deserve you or your time.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:07 PM, Friday, September 26th]

Anyway, I'm interested to hear people's thoughts on compatibility.

I have a lot of thoughts on compatibility and *most of them* are not around taste in entertainment. I mean this one is fine to have almost nothing in common. Different music, movies, TV, listen to podcasts or not. I mean, most of that is not necessary and is generally idle time. I wouldn't call it "couch rotting".

That said, it is nice that my wife and I have a good overlap in entertainment tastes.

What matters a lot more in compatibility (and betrayal notwithstanding...) are ethics, view on finances, what brings value, how to raise kids, how to spend time as a family, humor, and sex.

Having different ethics or religious values is very difficult if there isn't much overlap. You and your partner won't agree on what is right or wrong. As such you'll end up being wrong in the other person's view and they'll be wrong in your view. This is extremely wearisome to overcome, and frankly most waywards have shitty ethics on top of porous boundaries. Everyone fails to behave to their ethics at times, but this is a big one.

I think that it's very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone that doesn't spend money the same way as you do, and doesn't plan for the future the same way. What does retirement look like? How much do you spend vs. save? How much for hobbies? How much for experiences? How much for random crap on amazon?

I think your incompatibility on movies is not just around taste in movies, it's about whether or not that experience brings value to you, and it does. For her, maybe it's a hike. Going to the farmer's market. Just being out and about. Sitting in a park people watching. While these are close to the "idle time" things I talked about, they are a little bigger in nature. It's more like how you want to use your free time. Some people are more active and some are more idle.

You need to be a unit as it relates to raising kids. I don't really think this needs much explaining.

In terms of family time, it sort of goes back to free time, but I don't quite think of it the same. Eating dinner together or separately. Who is expected to go to practices/games for extracurriculars? These are some of the topics that can really cause a disconnect because one person might feel more invested in the family than the other.

Mismatched humor, especially around sarcasm, can bring a lot of miscommunication and resentment.

Sexual compatibility is about liking the same sort of sex and frequency (I think it's easier to bridge the gap on frequency than sort). People that like marathon sessions aren't going to get along with people that are in it for the "minutes" time frame. People that like certain kinks are going to want to have that type of sex rather than be denied it.

I guess I equate compatibility with comfort.

Peace and calm around each other -- versus agitation around each other.

Someone who knows all my faults and likes me anyway. And the same with my accepting all my wife's faults.

Consideration is a big deal to me, I mean all of us are selfish to various degrees, but anyone in my life, family and friends all need to have some consideration of others.

Similar levels of empathy is something newer to both of us being better at it now, but it is a good tool to have added to the relationship arsenal.

When my wife turned away from the M during her A and after, she rationalized the divide between us, and even a reason for her to turn away from "us" because we didn't have anything in common. I think the road back towards her confession of the A started when I showed her reasons didn't stand up. Starting with raising our two sons.

Kids can add or take away from compatibility, but we both agreed about what was important about loving and supporting our kids.

Similar sense of humor helped our R quite a bit. It sure took a few years to get that back (I may not have laughed much at all for two years).

Companionship is a big part of it, someone you want to spend time with and who wants to be around you.

I agree with Oldwounds. A shared sense of humor, a shared set of morals(even tho we are on a cheating survivors site), a belief in loyalty and lastly, kindness, are present in my marriage. Are we perfect? Not by a long shot but we do try to do what is best for the other.

My husband cheated while traveling. He was also young and stupid. When I was told I did not confront. My reality was two very ill parents and no way to provide for very young children so I stuck my head in the sand. After we moved he did not travel anymore and no cheating. We were so young when we got married that I honestly don’t think he was finished growing up. When he did so did I.