Sorry for the messy post, my thoughts are not in order and I am exhausted.
I recently went on a business trip with my husband to Asia. He has to go overseas a few times a year and I almost always go with him. If I don't, he works nonstop, napping on the sofa in his office, and if I join him, he has a better schedule (he comes back for dinner, sleep at the hotel). He is happy for company on these trips. I like to travel, but the places we go for his work are the same three or four cities over and over (20+ times). I try to make the trips "new" in some way each time, but there's not a sense of discovery or excitement.
Although I like the trips, the last one has been hard. I took my youngest child (teen) and my niece (she was super excited) and spent a lot of time with them sightseeing. I took very little time for myself, because I didn't want to leave the girls alone in the hotel with nothing to do, and they didn't feel comfortable going out by themselves, so I was with them nonstop during the day and with my husband in the evenings. I ended up not exercising much, eating much more poorly than usual, reading stupid books that i don't even like and wasting time on stupid websites at night when I couldn't sleep (SI not included). I didn't get any of the work done that I brought on the trip. So after two weeks I was tired and annoyed with myself.
We are now back in the US and things are worse! My husband has superhuman strength in so many areas. He has a high powered job which he is very good at. He was able to manage the jetlag with no apparent trouble! The day after we got back from a 14 hour flight he went to work for the whole next day! He exercised throughout (he is nationally ranked in his sport), he eats healthy with no apparent difficulty, he went to hours and hours of Easter church services (Maundy Thursday, 3 hour service on Friday, Saturday evening another 3 hours) AND a five hour opera on Saturday afternoon! I opted out of that one, I had already been once and there is just so much Wagner I can handle even when I'm fully charged. I haven't slept more than four hours at a stretch since we got back, I'm eating terribly, I haven't exercised in weeks, I can't concentrate on reading anything of any value, and I FELL ASLEEP in church! I'm not talking about a gentle nodding off, I took one of the pillows for your knees, put it up on the pew, arranged myself on the hard bench and was completely out of it. At least I was in the back!
And - side note - my pandemic puppy has been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, which means no more long walks, which is when I would do a lot of my pondering and praying. I already felt pretty bad about leaving her at home alone more and more (more kids leaving the house, we no longer have a housekeeper every day, I'm working more etc). And the guilt of the sad disabled puppy being alone during the day is terrible! I'm looking for a quiet place to board her during the day but it's just another task on a long list of things I have to deal with.
This whole situation shines a bright light on a problem that lurks in the background. I often feel terribly inadequate around my husband. I know there are other ways I COULD feel in this marriage - how smart I am for landing such a catch! He can go to work all day and I am free to do whatever I want. I don't know how to make myself feel like that. The truth is that I just feel inadequate compared to him - career, fitness, eating, church participation, the way I spend my free time. When I'm not exhausted or demoralized I can stop the comparative ruminations, but when I'm exhausted they sneak in and set up shop. He doesn't make these comparisons, I believe him that he adores me and being a good husband is motivating to him and having a wife and family to provide for has a lot to do with his success.
It's very hard to talk to him about this because my feelings of inadequacy around him were part of the affair "why." At the time, I wasn't conscious of it. I also believed that he was constantly thinking that i was not good enough but he was stuck with me as a wife (hangover from my FOO). Simply being aware is protective against acting on the feelings, so I am not worried that I'm in danger of behaving poorly or ignoring the discomfort or numbing, but I am not entirely sure that sharing my problems with him is a great idea, or how to talk about in a way that is not triggering. What a terrible conversation! You are too good for me, your wonderfulness makes me feel bad. What is he supposed to do with that?!
Anyway. That's my rant. Writing it out was helpful, and if anyone has angles please share. I'll probably do much better once I'm back at work on Monday and forced into a more regular schedule. I'm good at my job and I like it, so it's absorbing and engaging. And I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday, hopefully I don't sleep through it :)
