Soolers-
My main point is that I find the stats to be unhelpful. There are always going to be stats that say do this and you will suffer, get this disease and you may die sort of thing. It takes the individual circumstances and make them seem negligible when they are often not. The details matter a lot. The part was my response to you. It wasn’t clear the rest of my thoughts were directed at Gemmy.
Generally, I do not agree with the statement and I am going to misquote you because your response is a page back and I can’t refer to it at the moment-trying to reconcile would be like staying to get beat the hell out of more. It dismisses the idea that no matter the marital outcome the pain of what is happening is going to suck. No one here advises someone to take more shit. We advise them to heal so they can make clear decisions and operate in their own best interests.
I believe that it’s the premise it’s never in their best interests to reconcile is probably always going to be the difference in how we think and I am okay with that, no amount of debating is going to change that. In many cases reconciliation is a viable and better option for a bs, in many cases divorce is a viable and better option for a bs. We try and empower them to get to the place the choice is clear.
And you asked—-generally I very rarely disagree with bluer than blue, especially not in her above post. Generally when I disagree with her is she finds a lot of things to be more conscious intentional behaviors in a ws than I do. I think that to be a minor difference as it doesn’t matter the why the behavior is occurring when it comes to opening your eyes and protecting yourself. Overall , I do think Bluerthanblue believes reconciliation does happen and I have seen her congratulate people when things are going better or seem to have reached a good point.
Furthermore, I feel her advice usually is tailored to the member specifically rather than having an overarching belief that everyone should head for a specific outcome. You have softened in some of your responses since you got here and surprise me from time to time. I just think some of the things you point at such as stats (which you can find any stat online to help with confirmation bias)are not really pertinent to an individual case.
You are getting married soon or have recently regardless of what stats say, and I trust that is a good decision for you and that you have thought it through. I generally trust all bs who come here the same way. I know some come and they are beaten down, and it will take them some time to arrive at a better place mentally. I simply trust that if they stay committed to their own healing they will grow and make a good decision for themselves. So I think a lot of the vets will center their advice more around that journey because that’s the one we have the most influence over. We often do not even meet their partner or know their perspective.
I also want to say I think this post was less personal in nature—it was about how to use the site so I do not really consider this a thread Jack. Gemmy, if I am misunderstanding please let me know. I remain dedicated to making sure you are getting what you need from what you are posting.
[This message edited by hikingout at 4:48 PM, Friday, August 21st]
