I’m 48M, she’s 39F. 10+ years together. I just found out she has been having an affair with her 60-year-old married boss for almost a year. At least once a month when they travel together.
I met him a few times at the company Christmas party, etc.
She was totally new to an industry and working super hard to make a name for herself and a better life for both of us. I was so proud and worked really hard to support her. We had big dreams and were getting closer to our goals because of it.
She was traveling a lot, and the lack of communication when she was away was the first red flag.
In the beginning, she’d usually message when she landed at the airport, then when she arrived at her hotel. She’d text me when she went out to dinner, call later in the evening before bed. Gradually, all of them stopped.
When she was home, I told her that she was acting like she was single. Like she didn’t have a responsibility to me to check in once in a while. I didn’t need to hear her every move, but it was starting to just feel like something was going on.
She left on another work trip the other day at 3 p.m., and I didn’t hear from her until the next day. I knew something was up.
When she was home throughout the week, we’d usually leave work roughly around the same time and coordinate when to meet home, have dinner, etc.
In the last few months, she got increasingly vague. I’d wait to hear from her until after 5 p.m. or ask when she was leaving. But after a few separate occasions of her working late, I started asking, "Where are you?"
She’d say, "Driving home."
And the assumption was—from the office… but it happened a few more times.
Next time, I asked, "From where?"
And she said, "From the bar."
She went out to the bar with her boss after work to supposedly discuss business. I told her then that it seemed like she was deliberately keeping things from me. And I wanted to know next time -before she goes out to the bar.
It started happening more and more frequently.
She got snippy at one point and said I was "keeping tabs on her." And I second-guessed myself and backed off.
Over the last couple weeks, I was really vocal about working harder on us and how we need to communicate more. She said we could move closer to her clients or out to the country (our plan) and told me I should get a dog because I was lonely.
That’s all something I considered and truly wanted, but I didn’t know it was also just a distraction from her truth.
This past Saturday afternoon, I had an awful feeling and went through her phone when she was in the shower. Sure enough. Messages with her boss.
I only scrolled back far enough to see some recently where they said, "I love you," "Love you too," "Miss you"… "Wish we were in the hot tub together," etc.
I took screenshots immediately and put it down within seconds of her coming out of the shower.
I maintained composure for about an hour before it started surfacing.
I asked her if she could be honest with me. She knew something was wrong and agreed. I just kept asking her over and over to tell me what was going on. I said, "You’ve been acting like a cheater, and I know something is going on."
She denied it over and over until I said, "Tell me now and I MIGHT be able to forgive you… otherwise I’m leaving and we’re done."
She said, "I think my boss has feelings for me." That’s it.
Then I just kept asking:
"Really? Nothing has happened between you ever?!"
Little by little, the truth came out. She said they’ve been intimate every month for the last year, while on their work trips out of town.
I asked if she loved him, and she said she didn’t know, that she was confused.
She said she was relieved to finally tell me and wanted it to end.
I packed a bag. Sick to my stomach. Devastated.
She’s been begging and pleading, but I haven’t answered her calls.
It’s been about 3 days now. I’m staying at random roadside motels. I cut off all contact with her, but I’m a wreck.
I just found this sub, and there’s a whole lot of acronyms that I don’t know.
Lots of book recommendations, etc., but I don’t have any attention span right now.
I’m lost, devastated, heartbroken, and drunk every night. Just in crisis/survival mode. I’m just trying to figure out where to "sleep" and maybe eat. Get some more beer and try not to drink myself to death. I’m having panic attacks.
A bit dramatic, I guess. But my previous girlfriend broke my heart 20yrs ago, and this one just took the other half.
She has a huge family and support system. I have zero. I called the suicide/crisis line but just couldn’t get myself to talk to them. I tried a therapist, but she’s booked for another 2 weeks.
I have nowhere to go. I can’t afford the hotels, but finding a place to rent sickens me.
We live in a tiny house together in the ghetto that we’ve remodeled. It’s in a bad neighborhood but with a beautiful garden. And I actually just bought the neighbor’s house for an investment property. She gave me a check for half last week, but I never cashed it. So I own it outright. It’s a total construction site, but there is a bedroom, fridge, and shower—kind of. (The bed frame and dressers in there was actually from her boss too. She borrowed his truck to get them home. Hand-me-downs that she got when my buddy was going to move in.)
I could stay there and remodel it, but just over the fence is our whole life that we built together.
Neither house is worth much, so I wouldn’t walk away with anything.
She just texted me and said she’s going to work from home now. (I bet her boss just finally got that approved, hoping this won’t end his career.)
She would still need to travel though.
She said she could take time off, or even find a new job if I’d take her back.
I worked really hard supporting her to get to where she is now. I’d hate to see her give it all up.
At the same time, I know they’re going to have another monthly corporate meeting soon, and I could walk in there and announce it to their whole company and ruin them both.
I found him and his wife on Facebook. His kids and grandkids.
I don’t know if I should message his wife or not. It feels like I have a responsibility to, but don’t know if I can or even should.
They’ve probably been married for 30+ years. I don’t want to be the one to destroy their family.
Part of me wants to confront him. Ask to meet and hear his details. It makes me sick to my stomach. My crazy brain wants gross details, and then I want to pull my hair out. Just picturing them naked together makes me sick.
Thing is, I TOTALLY get how she could get wrapped up in that world. I can’t blame her. I actually probably would’ve done the same thing.
She was new to the industry, busting her ass, and it was finally paying off. Top of her field. One of the best in the country. Poised to make six figures this year and plenty more in the future.
The company was putting her up in nice hotels, luxury vehicles, awesome restaurants.
Her boss joining her trips on new accounts, started taking her out to 5-star dinners, filet mignon, bottles of wine/champagne to celebrate her landing huge clients, making them both lots of money. All the while talking about her bright future.
They’d get drunk at dinners, then drinks at the hotels that have a nice romantic jacuzzi… over and over… 🤢
Now I know why my hotel room window on the 4th floor doesn’t open.
I can’t even grieve because I have to navigate the logistics of being homeless right now.
I still just miss her and want to go home. She said she’s going out of town again tonight (alone) for probably 2 nights, so I can "sneak" in and at least shave, do laundry & maybe sleep there tonight. I don’t know if I can handle it.
We aren’t married, so divorce isn’t necessary. No kids and no mixed finances.
We own the home together but it was actually given to us by her ex-stepmom (her dad just cheated too.)
It is a $40k house in the hood. We both spent a ton of time and money renovating it. The other property I bought was $16k. Yes, really. It is in one of the worst cities in America. I don’t plan to make any money from either.
As much as I want her to never see him again, I don’t want to ruin her career. If I were to inform their company, they might terminate her, and not him. It’s a small business and he has connections.
If I tell his wife, she may contact the company and have her fired.
I’m just still in shock.
Please be kind
