SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about my husbands massage parlor/sex addiction secrets 4 months ago. Since then he has consistently seen a csat and gone to SA meetings weekly. He did the "first step" this week. He’s been attentive and patient with me as I’ve refused intimacy for about a month now.

I’m in a strange state of numbness though. I’m outwardly going through the motions, letting him hug me and acting normal while my mind is constantly ruminating on his behavior and what ifs.

I Couldn’t imagine for a second that he would do something like this. I was utterly blindsided. I can’t stop imagining what else he could be hiding. (Also I’m listening to the betrayal podcast which maybe isn’t a great idea.) I’m thinking random thoughts like what if he’s a sexual predator? What if he had a relationship with one of his college students? What if he’s a psychopath? What if he turns out to be one of those husbands that tries to murder his wife? What if he’s just doing the steps and doing everything right because he’s hiding something worse? I have no evidence to believe any of this is true but I also had no evidence to believe he was being unfaithful.

As a person with this kind of anxiety I just don’t know how I can ever trust him again or if I left, how I would ever trust another relationship again anyway.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of anxiety and been able to work through it?

I think every betrayed initially goes through exactly what you are describing. The unknown and what if tear us apart.

Imagining the worst is enough to make you crazy and leaves you feeling empty and lonely and depressed and it just throws you off balance. The person you thought you knew and trusted turns out to be someone else— most likely someone you never imagined.

In your situation his cheating was most likely non-emotional. So you can recognize that he did not love a person or have an emotional connection to them. I’m not sure if that helps or hurts your situation as your H was willing to cheat purely for physical gratification.

Dealing with spouses who may be sex addicts is very difficult. There are articles in the Healing Library that can help you as well as connecting with spouses of sex addicts in the I Can Relate Forum here at SI.

I suggest you find your own counselor or support. Seek out a therapist who has experience in dealing with trauma for people who are married to sex therapists.

Keep posting here - you will get a tremendous amount of support.

Don’t be hard on yourself.

I was still in shock at four months, I don’t know if I was certain which way was up at that point.

As my MC described, infidelity is the emotional trauma equivalent of being hit by a truck. It takes a lot of time to start healing.

You don’t owe your spouse a last chance.

I think these early months need to be dedicated to you understanding your self worth, focus on getting enough rest and eating well, and taking care of you.