Hi.
I don't even know where to begin.
I am 45, he is 52. My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years, together for like 25. We have no children. We have not been physically intimate in quite awhile (maybe 8-9 years) but otherwise generally have a good relationship. He has been unemployed for over a year and has not been able to find a job other than working a couple nights a week at a local brewery his BIL is the manager at. He also has DM Type 2 which he does not manage very well.
D Day was Tuesday and every time I think things have started to settle, I find something else that sends me back into an emotional tailspin. I was able to get an urgent appointment with my therapist today. I am a strong person and I am already exhausted. I keep finding more things I want to confront my husband with and I am so fucking tired. I am also the only one working full time in our house currently and he is financially dependent on me. It has been so difficult for me to focus on work this week.
The thing that I am struggling with the most right now is my husband's adamant denial that he lied to me, and the minimization of his behaviors. Because he claims nothing physical ever happened, he doesn't think he cheated. He will admit that some of it was inappropriate (his contact with an ex-girlfriend of his for more than a decade unbeknownst to me, and messages between them from a few months ago where he talked about missing sex with her, missing her "friskiness," details about our sex life and lack of intimacy, and talking about how if she came to visit him at the bar that he currently is working at a few nights a week they would end up in a motel).
He is agreeable to going to MC (I demanded it). Our first appt is next week. I am also a therapist. He has had some negative experiences with therapists in the past (before we were ever together) and is convinced that they are not to be trusted. I think this is an easy excuse for him to avoid self-reflection. We tried going to MC previously and had maybe 3 or 4 sessions and then things did improve for a little while and we stopped. So I guess we will see how it goes. I am not very optimistic that he will actually take it seriously or engage in a genuine way. My husband is also very, very depressed and has been for a long time, but refuses to entertain things that would help him immensely like individual therapy or medication. I also live with MDD, GAD, and PTSD and have been on medication and in my own therapy for many years which is why I am still here.
The other thing that is weighing heavy on my mind is that I inherited my childhood home about 4 years ago after my mother died and we have been in the long process of rehabbing/renovating it so we can move there. It is a beautiful house in a great neighborhood and holds a lot of value both financially and psychologically (for me). I am deeply, deeply terrified that if things do not get better and I try to move forward with divorce he will try to take the house from me, even though he swears he would never do that. It is titled in both of our names. He swore a lot of other promises to me that he broke too, and I don't believe anything he says right now. I know what people are capable of.
My heart hurts. I feel like I have been gutted from the inside out. I miss my mom so much. She helped me get through being cheated on by my first love and first real relationship. I don't feel like eating. I have been forcing myself to do so. I am still sleeping ok (that has blessedly always been something solid and consistent in my life). I saw my best friend last night and spent some time with her. She is an amazing support. I have another friend who understands and is a support as well. I just feel lost, and angry, and very uncertain about the future.
Thanks for listening. <3
