SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married since 2003 and dated since 1995. We have a good marriage, pets , children, home, jobs, etc

A few years ago we got in a fight and words started flying. Eventually I said something about a time when she kissed a guy when we dated. Things got heated even more and started asking her and accusing her of doing more things behind my back when we dated.

She got defensive and something told me she was hiding something. I let it go but it kept nagging at me so I asked her a few days later. She got defensive again and told me never to ask her stupid questions again like that.

Something felt off so I got to snipping around and found out some things.

When we dated she slept with at least 2-3 other guys multiple times and also oral to at least another guy or two.

Been to marriage counseling and individual.

She won’t tell me any details but what bothers me is the last guy I know she had a sexual relationship with her compared himself to a pornstar. Not sure what he meant by that. I asked her what he could possibly mean and she said to take it up with him.

So how do I confront him.

Did she confess or you somehow found all this out on your own (after 30 years)? Did you find this reference to himself in an email or something?

Anyway, what do you hope to get from talking to this guy? He’s either referring to his abilities or his anatomy (or both). He may have meant it. Or he may have been being playful. Or fishing for a compliment.

But why would he tell you? Or even remember?

I honestly cannot imagine someone calling me out of the blue and saying you slept with my wife 30 years ago and called yourself a porn star, what did you mean by that. Your best case scenario is that he doesn’t remember and tells you never to call him again. Worst case scenario is he taunts you.

Leave it alone, Man.

This was a recent response he gave me when I asked him if anything happened between them.
My wife said she doesn’t know why he would elude to anything pornstar related other than he was being an asshole trying to get in my head.

She’s probably right, he most likely is messing with you.

Your WW is the one who owes you the details. This guy’s no use to you.

In your case I wouldn't given the time that's passed from the argument and from the time it actually happened. Do you think it'd be worth it to call the AP?

It's absolutely awful to be in the position you're in, and I'm sorry you're in it. But at least we're all here for each other to talk through things.

In my case, it's relatively new and my wife didn't sleep with the guy. But I still have this nagging urge to call him and talk to him about it all.

Some folks have said I should, and some said I shouldn't. Yet here I am wondering...

Lostsoul2026 wrote:

So how do I confront him.

If it was me, I wouldn't.

What do you think you're going to get from it? If i understand this correctly, you already confronted him and he referred to himself as a pornstar? How would you know if he was even telling you the truth? Is this guy still in your lives?

Letmebefrank wrote:

Your WW is the one who owes you the details. This guy’s no use to you.

This, I agree with. I see no good coming from confronting an AP from years ago. You have some issues you need to work out with your wife. If she's unwilling to open up and be honest with you, then you may have larger problems than an off hand comment made by an old AP.

I wouldn't bother with the AP. Its not worth your time. He isn't worth your time, or thoughts.

She is the one you have to worry about.

Sorry to hear about what you're going through LostSoul.

I would feel heartbroken and betrayed, I would try to get answers from the wife. Truly feel for your situation.

I think about this every day and every day I talk myself out of it. There is too much risk to my children and others. They were never informed of my wife's A and I'm too afraid that he'd expose it to them. Some on here have said "So what?" but I just can't think like that. As much as I'd like to confront he and his happily married world and turn it upside down like he did mine (as she did as well), it's just not worth it. There are so many other things that I could be funneling my energy towards. I don't know if karma is real but my hope is that he'll feel it at some point but life isn't fair (sorry for the cliche and it's not what any of us want to hear). For now, I focus on healing myself, my relationship with my wife and taking the opportunity to pursue things that make me happy. I've turned into a bit of nerd to help find peace: Guitar lessons, bird watching, bonsai trees and my WW has supported all of this understanding that my racing mind needs a place to go to calm itself since I have no one to talk to other than therapy. She's been very supportive and is doing all the right things but it's difficult navigating these waters by yourself. I think introducing the variable of the AP is too risky in my situation and I think in most cases, that's true....my two cents. Honestly, what do you hope to gain from it?