SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m so sad for you. What you are experiencing is heartbreaking.

But you need to be there for your children. And I know you will be.

But just be prepared for the day the young OW kicks him to the curb for something better. He will try to come back with tears in his eyes and expect you to welcome him with open arms.

I’ve seen this drama too many times. It’s so cliche it’s ridiculous.

You & kids deserve better. And please get that child support order in place ASAP.

Thank you.

I think the one thing that’s staring to really bug me apart from the whole affair and all the lies is painting the picture of the "horrendous" relationship he has memory of. Doesn’t seem to remember any of the good times just disagreements that are normal couple things.

Why do they do that? It really frustrates me. And why if he was so unhappy not address it? Or when he realised he wasn’t in love with me anymore why not leave for his AP?

Rewriting the marital history is straight out of the cheaters handbook, page 1, first paragraph! Very common indeed. Why? Because they have to create an awful M in their minds to justify their horrible behavior. Of course it’s not true. Your memories are correct. It’s a self-delusional, justification-for-the-unthinkable technique!

Do they at any point look back and remember the lies they’ve told their selves or do they continue to live in the false land they’ve created?

It’s like now surely this new 24 year old girl is not going to put up with him spending every weekend with his kids. Surely not? What about all the different commitments he’s going to have with events at school and other things. She’s going to want to date isn’t she?

I’m sure that some WS’s do go on to regret the lies they told themselves to keep the fantasy going, but don’t waste your time right now trying to figure out your WH’s future emotions. Focus on you. You are the prize. And certainly don’t waste your time wondering about the disgusting AP’s needs to date. The two of them created their own sewer and destroyed your family in the process. You are moving forward with your life. Take care of you. Your WH is going to be working very hard and long hours to support his six children and pay alimony. Only contact him on D matters and custody issues. And only communicate in writing if possible. Wishing you a speedy D process and new beginnings for you. Do nice things for yourself.

He’s left this morning for work and taken a bag, left his keys, he’s told me how much he dislikes me again.
I’m going to get all relevant paper work sorted out today with regards to child maintenance
And just ignore him if he calls or messages.
I don’t think he will come back here tonight.

I am absolutely gutted but have 6 little people that need me

I need to stop burying my head in the sand and own upto my decisions I’m sorry for hurting you and not being clear , I can’t help the way I feel and the way I’ve been feeling , I dnt feel the way I used to about you and I fell in love with someone else I can keep pretending and floating around but it’s not helping anyone is it your heads all of the place and so is mine x I feel like my life is in a mess and instead of tidying up I’m just setting fire to everything and it’s not fair , I hate that I’m drinking I hate that I’m hurting everyone and causing destruction it needs to stop and I need to fix and repair what I can I know your mad and I know your angry and I’m sorry cause it’s all because of me

Text message I’ve received. Do I just ignore? Block his number?

Ignore. Notice that everything starts with the word "I". All about him.

Ignore his text. He’s looking for you to validate him and sort of let him off the hook.

He threw a bomb on your life, his kids lives because HE wants to be with a 24 year old.

Read up on the 180 and then DO IT!! For your own protection. Don’t allow him to continue to manipulate you — he’s being emotionally abusive by stringing you along.

It stops when YOU say so.

Turning your back on him will benefit you in many ways — starting with you no longer engage with a liar and cheater.

If you all promise not to read any further I want to share a secret tip with Missmee that I learned as a cop:
In confrontational situations people tend to behave in predictable ways. We would learn those behaviors because they predicted the next step and we could react accordingly. Look at any nature documentary that shows apes fighting and you see it’s a lot of posturing and threats, and very little actual fighting. Same with us people, two men fighting at a bar and it’s a lot of noise, threats and an occasional jab forward with an instant retreat. Knowing this enabled us to be prepared for the jab and catch them off-balance. Even better – it allowed us to respond in ways they didn’t expect, to our advantage. Just like you can now.

I mention this because to me your husband is posturing and he’s predictable.
He was posturing when he refused to end the affair unless you guaranteed reconciliation would work.
He was posturing when he said he would change jobs if you promised to reconcile.
He’s posturing now – in so many ways.
He’s posturing when he implies he can choose and if he doesn’t choose you then it’s your loss.
He’s posturing when he implies it’s his call if he cheats.
He’s posturing with the not in love with you – threatening to take away this catch-of-a-man if you don’t comply.
He’s posturing in leaving the keys and packing a suitcase.

It’s all a lot like a child threatening to hold it’s breath until it dies if forced to eat the greens of the plate. It’s now your call if you give in or allow the child to – at worst - maybe feel faint. Knowing that once the child realizes THAT threat didn’t work it will go into a tantrum.

Edited just before posting to add: Seeing his text – THAT is the tantrum once he realizes holding his breath/leaving his keys isn’t working. You didn’t come sobbing after him.

I suggest you turn this game of posturing into hard-core reality:

Definitely 100% contact a resource that can give you legal advice. A 20 year partnership has legal implications and if his name is on the house in any way or form (for example, legal residence) there might be limits to what you can legally do. You want to know those limits. You want to know what has to happen and in what order to legally separate your lives.
For example: Someone suggested you change locks... If he has legal residence in the house then refusing him entry might have legal implications. Maybe – maybe not. Rather than you take part in the posturing and pouting and touting you get the answer to that issue, and how to resolve it. Then act on the information you get.

What he’s expecting is an emotional response. What I’m suggesting is more of a logical and consequential response.
You want to have your affairs – fine – but that means our relationship is over.
You want to pretend to leave the home – fine – but that means we have to finalize the legal part of that separation.
You want to live alone – fine – but there are still financial and emotional commitments to the kids.
And then carry on the steps required.

Basically – make it real.

Pay attention to Bigger. His suggestions always are proffered on the idea of practicality. There are steps you must take to help you survive infidelity. The very first one is,of course, to see an attorney. It might cost you a little cash, but it is well worth it to protect you from any future machinations on the part of your husband.

Second, if possible, put aside your emotions. You cannot do numbers 10 on a list until you’ve taken care of number one through nine.

Look at this as you would a car wreck. It’s totaled, but you still need transportation. Your marriage might be in tatters, but you still need to move ahead every day with very practical decisions.

If you’re dealing with serious anxiety and sleeplessness and digestive issues, see a doctor about temp meds. Your body has had an injury and you need to look after it. First things first, find an attorney, then doctor and make a list. Because you need to do the first thing on the list and then go to the second and then the third. It keeps you from falling completely apart.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:41 PM, Wednesday, September 24th]

Thank you all for the advice. Bigger thank you to.

I did panic a bit when I first received the message that’s why I posted straight to here, just so I had someone other than myself and my emotions to think clearly for me.

I want to thank each and everyone one of you, you really are great people and I can’t thank you all enough. Shame that we’ve all ended up in the club, when everyone in it are such wonderful people!

I think for the next few weeks/months you will be hearing a lot from me. Until I figure this all out how not to be so quick to engage and fall for what ever comes from this man.

Still now one moment I feel head strong then the next I’m feeling rock bottom. But over these weeks I have found I’m able to carry on better than before.

I don’t really have family/friends around that can offer support in real life so do struggle with that too. The ones that are around are useless and would be the kind to expect me to just get on with it

UPDATE- so 2 weeks ago it all exploded turns out he was still seeing her so they’ve been seeing each other since January. I finally asked him to leave Monday as he was just draining me. He’s gone straight to her, so now lives with a 24 year old in her parents house with siblings the same age as our children!

I’m gutted for my children they don’t deserve any of this. And I’m left to pick up the mess. I can’t believe the man he’s turned out to be!

Next issues I’m going to be having is him seeing the children under no circumstances do I want him in my home. The hurt and mess he’s caused is unforgivable

I am so sorry for you but you have done the right thing. Finding out the affair resumed or never stopped did not give you options.

I am suggesting you immediately move to file for child support. Your children deserve the best and you need to be first in line for CS. If the OW gets pregnant and files first, she will get more money by virtue of filing first.

Honestly this girl’s parents are even worse than the OW. What are they thinking allowing an older man whom they hardly know move into their home with children present?

The likelihood of this "relationship" lasting is very slim. It started as an affair and the minute things get too complicated and $ is tight, I doubt the OW will be in this for the long haul.

I’m sorry your partner is having a typical midlife crisis affair. I was in your shoes and it is hard to watch someone you love making the worst decision of their life.

Just be prepared if he decides to come crawling back w/ tears in his eyes and apologies. You are not obligated to welcome him home.

Mismee
I try to see things through practical-tinted lenses.
That practicality sees benefits in the very clear message he’s sending you. It’s not like you have to question his decision or have doubts about what he’s saying when he’s moved in with his AP.

That practicality also goes back to my advice on having a VERY CLEAR legal picture of your position.
You talk about "your" house. Is it? Does he still have a legal right to move back in? Is his legal residence still registered there? What happens if AP kicks him out – can he move back in just like that irrespective of what you want. What if you change the locks – in may countries/states that can be considered abuse...
Please – you don’t just end a 20 year relationship with kids by closing a door. PLEASE get legal advice on your stance. Chances are you can get a quick list of items to consider from a family help-line or domestic abuse center. (They don’t only tend to battered women – what your husband is doing is abuse too).

Thank you for the advice, I’ve an appointment the end of the week for legal advice. Honestly don’t know what to do at the minute.
He’s suggesting that of a weekend he comes back and sleeps here to see the children which I don’t want to happen at all. I can’t really do much now until I get the legal advice

You are in the UK so the first hour of legal advice is free, you also need to make an appt with citizens advice they will help you with regards to child maintenance and custody, please also contact your GP and ask for the welfare rights number and they will arrange an appointment for you to attend and discuss any benefits or childcare you are entitled to.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you Bruce123 will sort all those tomorrow now

Missmee You've gotten a ton of great advice and support on this thread, don't know how much I can add at this point but maybe some more support and insights. I'm around 70 and I've had a fairly difficult life, but one thing I've learned is that everything is temporary. No matter how much it hurts right now, if it doesn't kill you, it will end at some point and you do become wiser and stronger. I think Nietzsche was right about that. So as awful as things are right now....in a year or two - well as soon as you're legally able to get this nut under control, your life will start improving, at least mentally. It's the up and down, the back and forth, the being in limbo that's the worst part. Once you have a path set, everything does become easier with time. Not knowing what to do or have a real direction is the worst time, IMO. Sounds like you are reaching a clear and strong view of him and what you want with your life. And I have to say....I am somewhat envious that you have 6 kids!!! I know it's a lot of responsibility and care, but they do grow up and you will always have a lot of love around you and I think your future will be lovely. I think a lot of kids is a great thing, hard as it may seem now. You are a good mom, I can tell, and they will be a blessing to you as you get older. So have good faith and expectations for the future!

As for the dud....it sounds like he's going through some kind of 2nd childhood where he wants to relive his teenage years. He's going back in time!!! This never works out because....you can't go back, only forward. You can't recapture your youth, only make peace with getting older. But I think he wants to escape all the responsibility and live a carefree life and that ain't gonna happen. Living with a young woman like that and her family is really freaking bizarre but that's the best he can do, I guess, and it relieves him of responsibility - CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM, BEAVER!!!! That is not a life for an adult man. LOLOL.

Don't take him back, he's shown you what he is, he has been extremely cruel to you and the kids, if he wants recovery for himself, he needs to go through a long path of counseling and work and that's not gonna happen soon. Release him into the wild!
You need legal advice, which it sounds like you're working on because you want to keep him out of the house if you can - Bigger is right to check on all these things. But if his name isn't on it, maybe you could just change the locks. The sooner you get advice the better - on this and on custody. Hopefully he doesn't get any because a man living like this has no place to take kids and his judgment is bad.

Keep staying strong, you are an amazing person, you will come out of this better and stronger, this TOO shall pass, it does, and you will reap rewards while he can....GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM, BEAVER!!! Don't take this guy back unless you want 7 kids!!!! And speaking of that....be prepared to hear that the OW will be pregnant at some point. As I think 1st Wife said, first to file gets the best - if you can get any child support out of him, you want it before she can file. Cause I can see that happening too. This man has no plans for his life, he's just into rejecting responsibility and going back to boyhood.

Missmee just checking in im so sorry its come to this, definitely get some legal advice (im in UK too)

Ignore any texts from him, the earlier one he sent was so me me me... try to go grey rock on him, zero contact no response to texts, although hard when children involved. It needs to be sorted properly but dont let him in the house or worm his way in.

Agree with 1stwife and janebonds amazing replies - what sort of parent let's a married man move in with their daughter, although hes probably spun a load of lies to her so she likes him etc .

It wont last and he will be back with his tail between his legs wanting you back.

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 8:59 AM, Thursday, September 25th]