SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Where do I begin?i wish I had found out about this site a lot sooner! So I’ve been with my partner for 20 years 6 children from 1 year-18 years. I thought everything was okay apart from my partner’s behaviour was a little mean and arguments from around February when his affair started, but never imagined it would because he was cheating. So in April we had an argument and he confessed to seeing someone at work I walked out came back we argued and he apologised said he made it up because I kept asking if there was someone else. Stupidly I believed him also because the girls 12 years younger than him. Come mid may I knew something was up and asked him that’s when he confesses that he had just kissed his work colleague a couple times but he’d been caught at work and was under investigation. Again I stupidly believed it but things weren’t adding up still. I asked him to use an air tag on his keys and use the find my phone on his which he did. On one day the 2 were in different locations. I asked what was going on again he blagged it and I stupidly fell for it. Come June he’s off work hands me the post and I get a letter with a photo of the girl from work telling me he’s having an affair. I think she sent it he thinks someone in the office sent it. At this point I’m still trying to make our relationship work. So I messaged her on Facebook and ask what’s going on she tells me the same story he has they had only been talking nothing more. Then the following week I’m looking through his work phone and see an email off who he’s accused of sending the letter mentioning Snapchat and the girl in question. So I ask to see his phone. He gave it me with Snapchat typed in the App Store he was about to download it. I’m able to download it but he quickly grabs and deletes everything. So turned out they had been communicating that way. I then went to her house to find out what’s happening. Turns out they had been having sex since January. He since has been slowing telling me about it. They were in a proper relationship he’s met her family and all sorts. He’s been telling her we weren’t together anymore, he was sleeping on the sofa and only living with me for the kids, which was all lies we’ve been living a normal family life. He was seeing her every night for around an hour and when he was on call out at work. Never weekends because he couldn’t get away. I’ve made it very clear to him after how poorly he’s treated me I was wiling to give it a go. He’s saying since I went to the house he hasn’t contacted her which I don’t believe one minute. I’m pretty certain he’s still seeing her but because I don’t have any physical proof he won’t admit. Since I’ve been to the house we fell out one day and he turned off his location, he kept telling me he was to busy to turn it on anyway I told him to send me a photo of his satnav so I could see where he was and again this was near to her house! I know for certain he met her when the air tag and phone were in different places as he confessed. He says he can’t get into Snapchat but this week as I swiped to see his call log I saw her name but when I clicked onto the call log it disappeared obviously because he deleted Snapchat which he’s denying. I tuned his location on again this week and saw he was around the corner from her house. He said it was for a job but wouldn’t send any proof of the job. I’ve asked him to leave the job he’s been offered another job at the start of the week but hasn’t accepted it. I’ve not told any of my family or friends as I’m to embarrassed to. I always said I’d never stick around if it happened and I’m still here. I’m hoping by posting this to you all I can get some good advice instead of driving my self crazy. Typing it out and reading it back I’m starting to think to myself what on earth are you doing? It’s clear as day he’s still messing around. I really want to believe him that he’s not but I’ve got this feeling I’ve had since before he confessed.I do really want this to work out not just because I love him but for my kids. Then on the other side I’m thinking I deserve better than this, I miss the person I though he was so much

Missmee:

You have been heard! You are right, you do deserve better. Never forget you are the prize! I am so sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. It is slow here on the weekends but others will be along to lend support.

Based on your description there are a number of red flags and your WH appears to be involved with a younger colleague. You already know they are having sex. Take steps to protect yourself. Your WH’s actions are quite common for a cheater. He is acting like an addict, deep in the fog of the affair. Accept no blame for his affair. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. Get tested for STDs. Read in the healing library and the pinned posts. Lots of good info there. Read and implement the 180. This is to help you get your mental bearings. You have suffered a real trauma. Do seek IC if available. As long as your WH is in an active A, you have nothing to work with. Most importantly take care of you. Exercise and eat healthy. Take care of your children. Do see an attorney to learn your rights. If your WH’s AP is married or in a committed relationship expose the A to her OBS.

It appears your WH is already lying to cover his tracks. You can’t trust anything he says. Watch his actions and not his words. It is often said that you need to risk losing the M to have any chance to save it. Always value yourself. Be firm and take action. Let him know you will not be an option in your own M. No idle chit chat. Discuss finances and child issues only. Until he confesses and begins to show remorse for his actions do not argue or engage with him.

Remember, nothing you did caused him to cheat. Cheaters often blame shift rather than accept responsibility for their own actions. Don’t allow him to blameshift.

Good luck. Keep posting!

Welcome to SI and so sorry that infidelty has become a part of your life. I want to recommend the posts pinned to the top of the forum as good resources. There are other posts that are great resources but aren't pinned that are good resources that you can find by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resouces, too.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty things out there that can turn into cancer. If you're having trouble with sleeping or depression, ask the doctor for some meds to help you through the short-term. Doesn't mean you'll need to be on them all your life, but they can get you through the trauma.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful because they have specialized training that a regular therapist doesn't. Also, see a lawyer (or barrister) or several to see what D (divorce) would look like. Doesn't mean you have to D, but it will give you knowledge about your situation.

Cheaters lie, and then they lie some more. Don't trust his words, but watch his actions. Unfortunately, you can't drag him through R (reconciliation) - he has to do the work to become a safe partner.

1.If he chooses her and they live together something interesting will happen. Once the dust settles he will be living with a regular human being. Nothing special about her.

2.In the meantime your stress level will go way down because you won’t be the marriage police anymore.

3.If he decides to stay with you be prepared to still not trust him.

4.If he is still lying DON’T stay with him. See number 2.

Thank you for the responses. I’ve had STI test thankfully came back clean. He’s refused to have one. He breaks up from work today before we go on holiday the weekend which I’m dreading. I think after the holiday I will ask him to leave as he is now staying downstairs living the life he was telling her. She doesn’t have a partner still lives at home with her parents which makes it even more pathetic.
They’d been telling each other how in love they were and how they will be together but he has to do it the right way for the kids.
I’m not sure if he is in love with her or that he’s trying to have the best of both worlds by still having his family and home whilst still here?
I’m feeling a bit positive at the moment but that seems to change really quick to anxious and panic of what the future holds

Tell her parents.

Just thought I’d update. Holiday went okay, he’s still here but I’m not sure for how long for. I feel one minute I’m okay and think we can work through it then the next I’m thinking what am I doing. I think the affair has finished but I’m unsure if he is just covering his tracks better!
Or she came to her senses and has had no contact with him. He’s said he’s sorry but I don’t feel he is genuinely remorseful at all.

His logic is if we are to move on I shut up and carry on kind of thing but that’s just not how it’s going to work! I also feel even though he doesn’t directly work with her he should be looking for work else where? Another thing he’s said I asked him to leave for a while so we can both think about what we want and his response was if I leave I don’t think I will come back. Which I’ve said in that cause I think that’s the best option.

My mind is still so confused so this probably doesn’t even make sense!

His response of I don't think I would come back is a bluff in my opinion. When I found out what my wife was doing I was awake for 44 hours before I passed out. When she came home from work the day after I confronted her I said I need time to think and I can't do that with us bumping into each other and I'm not going to spend the weekend staring at the ground. There's a suitcase upstairs I can't make you leave but I need you to leave. I said this within earshot of our older two boys. She packed her bag came downstairs said something to the older two and then said I'm leaving and I said okay

If you need time to think without him around then tell him he can either leave or you can start the divorce process. You are in control of this situation. He is trying to retain power but you have to stand your ground regardless of the circumstances. It will probably take you a very long time, at least it did for me, to feel like your feet are firmly planted back on the ground

His logic is if we are to move on I shut up and carry on kind of thing but that’s just not how it’s going to work!

Another thing he’s said I asked him to leave for a while so we can both think about what we want and his response was if I leave I don’t think I will come back. Which I’ve said in that cause I think that’s the best option.

Go you! Hold your ground, and keep bringing it up until it's resolved one way or another.

One thing that took a while to really sink in for me was the fact that my wife knew exactly what she was doing. My wife's actions were DELIBERATE. She knowingly, and intentionally, chose to take marriage destroying actions. Actions that she 100% knew were wrong, actions I was very against, and actions she knew would cause me a lot of pain. She thought she could keep it under wraps forever. That no one would ever find out and she could take this affair to her grave. Thats one of the ways she justified her actions. She admitted she didn't really think very much of the consequences. She described being "in the fog" like many WS's do.

It sounds like your husband is still "in the fog" as well. Just keep in mind that he is thinking irrationally and selfishly, but he is still making deliberate decisions. He still CHOSE to betray you. He is placing her above you, or at the very minimum at your same level. Neither is okay in my opinion.

I feel one minute I’m okay and think we can work through it then the next I’m thinking what am I doing. I think the affair has finished but I’m unsure if he is just covering his tracks better!

I wen't through a lot of these feelings myself. I still feel like that, just not as frequently. This is pretty normal for those who are betrayed.

I think your task, apart from taking care of yourself, is to determine if you want to try and reconcile or not. If not your path is clear, and well trodden by others.

If so he needs to do the work to become a safe partner. You can't force him to do the work, and even if you could you wouldn't want that would you? I recommend you work to identify your hard boundaries (not easy for me), and come up with reasonable responses when he violates those hard boundaries. Then communicate what you need in order to remain in the relationship. If he can't or won't do that, then HE is choosing to exit the relationship.

For most BS's their hard boundaries were very clear before the affair... it's usually in the wedding vows. But after betrayal, if reconciliation is on the table, a "recovery" path needs to be charted, and changes in the relationship need to be made. Changes he needs to make to help you feel safe again and allow you to rebuild the trust he destroyed. Changes in you to stop putting up with behavior you are not okay with.