SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a 49 year old woman. Been seeing a new man since early January. He is 61, about to turn 62 soon. I noticed he was very slow to initiate anything physical, but I put this down to him being very polite, which he was and very much still is. Things were generally going really well between us and it turned physical in March.

The problem is he really struggles to get an erection at all. On the few occasions where he has had one, it has all but disappeared within around 2 to 3 minutes of him getting hard. It was quite a nice size though. He seems to be interested in having a physical relationship with me, seems attracted to me based on his words and actions and is keen to pleasure me in other ways, but I really love penetration and I have got myself into an intense state of frustration.

He told me he did have some health issues that could be impacting it and we discussed this. Further down the line I saw a text to his daughter about one specific issue and it looked as if he had lied to me and told her the actual reality, which was a fair bit worse.

So I decided to look at his phone. What I discovered was yes, he was lying to me about a health issue and making it seem a lot better than it actually is.

But I also found out he has been using a LOT of porn. Violent Hentai porn, looking at photos of random teens with specific hair styles, paying for cam girls (I saw receipts), looking at photos of prostitutes (two specific ones in a part of the UK that he visits once or twice a year actually, and repeatedly the same photo), researching how much prostitutes get paid based on appearance, hair colour etc. He appears to have a couple of very odd fetishes involving long hair being forcibly cut or shaved off. He also appears to be looking at photos of his ex wife the minute he wakes up and/or gets home from work, which I find really odd. There is also a secret Gmail account, which I was unable to access. Many links to receipts for Google Play, which looks as if it's for camgirl stuff, but going to the secret email as no sign of them in his "regular" email.

Even more upsetting, not all that long ago, some of this activity, including looking at prostitutes, was whilst I was sleeping in the room next door due to his snoring. There had been zero attempt at penetrative sex with me for several weeks and I had backed off making any sexual advances towards him, although I was still being passionate now and then and hoping something might just happen.

I tried to discuss it face to face with him, beating around the bush a little, but he denied what I did bring up..... then we had a text exchange where I told him what I knew. He has basically denied it all, accused me of being insensitive about his ED, that the porn is all pop ups, as are the prostitutes. I know for a fact that none of this stuff is adverts as I work in IT. They are all highly specific searches.

He has even accused me of being the one who has a problem as I enjoy spanking. And that he only looks at his ex wife to "remind him that he possibly may have found something better in some ways".

The last statement was really cruel I thought.

I've been told I'm jumping to conclusions. I don't think walking away is a mistake at all. The kind, considerate and honest person who kept telling me he is loyal is just a facade. And the shift in the way he has spoken to me is very noticeable. Although I guess the latent hostility is guilt, shame and anger at being found out. I have gone back to him, but all the time it just keeps coming into my head. Yes, I must be crazy.... We have tried to have sex again but when I give him oral sex, he seems really uncomfortable and doesn't like it, which is odd for a man (hope that's not sexist!!).

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. There's a lot I like about him, but I can't see myself with someone who likes violent schoolgirl cartoon porn and images of long haired teenagers, in fact prefers that to having sex with an actual real woman. I'm told I'm attractive and always get male attention, I know there isn't anything physically wrong with my appearance and sex has been really good in other relationships.

I know I have to let it go.

RUN!

I agree with you, let it go. He sounds like a habitual liar.

His mask has dropped as he could only maintain it for so long. Also classic deflection that you are the one with the problems… how dare you invade my privacy (!!!!) …. and discover all the lies I have told you. 🙄

You know what you have found. You deserve better.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that he's such a jerk. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

He may have been very polite in the beginning, but his words and actions that you've shared do not show a polite person.

He has failed the boyfriend test and you are wise in choosing to walk away.

The medical issues, ED, snoring and such... not so much... In a committed relationship you can work things through.
The porn, the sex-workers, the young-women fetish, the violent hentai, the fixation on the ex... these are all major major major red flags. I guess it’s your call if you think he is both willing and able to change, but frankly with this short a relationship I think you might be a lot better off ending it.

Nobody will ever satisfy this man because he seems to enjoy satisfying himself too much, so much so he has desensitised himself.

You deserve much better, walk away.

VG - your instincts are right and I would drop this immediately. You've found the real him and obviously.....he doesn't like it. Part of the erectile problem might be age, I'm seeing that here, and physical health problems too, but....that probably would not change much anyway. You can't turn a 62 year old man into a young buck. But a lot of his problems seem to be mental and frankly, I understand that over use of porn can CAUSE erection problems. He done burned the candle out. This happens apparently among heavy users of porn especially weird, creepy porn as he seems to like, they either become too sensitized to getting off on very specific things, or there actually is over-use. If I thought this might be a healthy relationship in general, my advice to him would be to talk to a doctor and lay off the porn and see if things come back in a few months or a year or so. BUT....I think you should run. He's a liar and he's trying to gaslight you already. His personality dictates how things would go with you too and this is probably why he has an EX-WIFE....that he apparently misses.

This is not gonna get any better for you and obviously you deserve a lot more. You sound like a great catch. Don't waste it on him. Now you listen to us, girl, this is only going to get worse. He's too damaged physically and mentally, for a real relationship. If you stay with him, he's gonna make you miserable and cause you a lot of problems.

AnnieOakley

I LOVE THIS!

how dare you invade my privacy (!!!!) …. and discover all the lies I have told you.

Do you really want to invest in this relationship?

If you are willing to accept him as is, you understand his issues and the fact he’s dishonest - then it’s ok.

But if you expect him to be something other than what he’s shown you, I would say this is not the guy for you.

Please read the following as if it was spoken by your best friend or your beloved sister...

You're not his girlfriend; you're his beard. Usually, "beard" is used to refer to a closeted gay man who dates women for appearances, but I think in your case, it also applies. He's with you because you provide him with the facade of normalcy that he needs, and because you provide a lot of "support tasks" upon which he used to rely on his wife. What actually turns him on are adolescent (or adolescent-looking) girls, prostitutes, and violence. That's why he can't get an erection through intimacy with you. You're not his type. You're not into the things that he's into. His brain and his nerves have been completely rewired by his porn usage.

The fact that you're even considering remaining in this relationship is very distressing. You haven't been together long, you don't have shared property or children, you don't have vows or entanglements that might make it understandable why you might at least consider reconciling with a lying, manipulating, pervert like this who isn't even meeting your need for intimacy. I might expect the type of rationalization in your post from a girl in her teens and twenties, not a woman who is almost 50 with life experience and zero tolerance for this type of bullshit.

My guess is that you must have some trauma that you're still dealing with from childhood or past relationships-- that's the only explanation that seems reasonable. You need to break up with this guy and work on your issues with an individual counselor before dating anyone again.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:27 PM, Wednesday, September 24th]

I love SI! Folks on here give wonderful support and advice.

People who are addicted to porn, usually men, cannot perform with their partners. I agree You are the "beard" in this. You provide all the public needs he has. You do NOT, and can never, provide what his sexual interests are.

If you have found porn with children you need to notify the cops. I don’t know how much they can do if he looks at it but if he sends it they can. Bigger might know the answer to this.

Under SI rules this might not be approved but Tim Tebow was on a podcast where he discussed the harm being done to millions of children all over the world. Please do some research, then get the hel* away from him.

I will reply more tomorrow, as it's really late here, but I just wanted to make sure everyone who has very kindly read and replied that there is no sign of any child porn.

Everything I saw was legal. As you may or may not know, Hentai does, however, depict cartoon animations of young girls getting raped usually. It's highly unpleasant.

Goodnight all and I will be back!

"Highly unpleasant" is certainly one way to put it.

RUN!