SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a hypothetical question for those of you that have reconciled and still deeply love your WS…

If you could somehow have known the level of pain they were going to bring you with their betrayal of trust in the future, would you still have married them?

I’ve been married 32 years & my personal answer to that question has been all over the place:

From Dday until about 3 months after - HECK NO!

From 3 months until 2 years after - Yes, probably would…

From 2 years to the present (33 mos) - Not sure some days, heck no other days.

If I knew for certain? No. I'd avoid that pain.

If I knew for certain she would do it again, I wouldn't continue R. I believe it is much more likely she doesn't betray me again than that she repeats. But I don't know.

In real life we have to make decisions with uncertainty. Hypothetical certainty trivializes the problem.

No way in hell would I have knowingly put myself through that. Post Dday just continued to decline until it all ended.

Now married to a wonderful lady. A true, mature, mentally/emotionally healthy woman who is also a survivor of a brutal betrayal. We have built a great life together.

ETA: I have no regrets about my/our kids however. Love them more than my life.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:44 AM, Thursday, September 25th]

When i was still trying to reconcile, I told my sister, "If we werent married and raising kids, if I could go back in time, I would have laughed in his face when he asked me to be his girlfriend."
I think that sums it up. Today, happily divorced!

If you could somehow have known the level of pain they were going to bring you with their betrayal of trust in the future, would you still have married them?

Oh, absolutely! Being a good masochist isn't always easy, you know? Like playing in traffic can be exhilarating, and getting hit... oh, it's heavenly. Experimenting with toxic substances, knife juggling (I'm not very good, thank goodness), and my own fav... rollerblading high in a recycling plant.

Um... there's no fucking way I'd have married anyone with such knowledge.

When I told him why I was afraid to get married to him, I was spot on. I actually said to him I was afraid that in his 50s of a midlife crisis affair since I was only his second girlfriend.

He swore up and down he didn’t need alot of girlfriends blah blah blah. When we met he was 19 and he had 1 girlfriend besides me.

Turns out his MLC affair was when he was turning 50.

I should have listened to my gut feeling lol! I probably should have D him after the first affair that I knew was going on but he chose to deny, gaslight, stonewall etc.

Not a chance in hell. I sometimes think that if our youngest (13 at the time) was closer to 18 I would have hired an attorney to start the divorce. Where I live family court typically sides with the woman and with our income disparity I would have been ordered to pay child support, possibly spousal support, and possibly ordered to maintain the house until the youngest turns 18.

I have always been deeply in love with my wife. Her disclosure did not shatter my love for her. Yes, of course, my love was shaken and deeply wounded but not diminished. We are 32 years post her affair and my love and affection for her is deeper and more powerful but not because of her affair but despite it. I enjoy every moment I spend with her. I recognize how amazing she is. She’s fun, she’s committed to me, she’s a wonderful mother, and the best spouse a life partner could ever have the pleasure to have by their side. I am deeply committed to her and our reconciliation.

To answer your question: knowing the level of pain and self-doubt, the years of quiet desperation that I would have to endure because of her infidelity, No, I would not have married her if I had known in advance what her callous betrayal would put me through and so fully dismantle my trust in myself and others. I have never ascribed to the notion that there is only one person that I could have fallen in love with, married and built a strong love relationship with. And yet, odd to say, I believe I am one of the most fortunate person in the world to be married to this woman that I would not have married if I had prior knowledge of the road we would have veered onto. Infidelity is a disorienting mess to navigate.

I rarely jump on hypothetical threads, because playing ‘what if’ never solves anything or for me makes anything better.

I can only tackle the results or adversity in front of me.

I do think infidelity offers a rare reset opportunity, not a do over, but a full life reset. Whether we R or D.

One partner throws the vows out the window, and no one is owed a last chance.

In a sense, when I chose R, I chose marriage with the full knowledge of the pain she caused me.

The front door works fine, I have always had the option to walk away, and I certainly considered starting over solo. I’ve always been independent, I think that contributed some distance in the M in the first place (never an excuse for infidelity), just saying.

Our sons were adults by the time my wife confessed and we had both worked extremely hard and built up enough financial strength, neither of us had to stay for money security. In other words, the only thing keeping me in the M, was me and my choice to stay.

So, even if I had it to do over, this unique person I’ve spent my life with, raised sons with, adventured with, suffered with, and laughed with — I would choose her and this life again.

I’ll always hate the A. Pain sucks, depression sucks, but there isn’t much I can’t overcome.

All else fails, I still have the walking away option…

I know I am the original ws in my relationship. And I can concede that the probability of him having an affair without that kicking it off is probably very low.

But my feelings were described perfectly what old wounds just wrote.

I will add that we had a good 20+ years before, we have 3 wonderful kids, 3 grandchildren…couldn’t have asked for a better family.

And the love we share today is more honest, serves us both well, and we both feel the other fulfills our life. We both wish it never happened, but in many ways I don’t know if I would have had the exponential growth needed to have this level of a relationship, not just with him but with my kids, other family members, girlfriends. It took my blinders off and now I am always introspective when problems come up and accept the responsibility of what I am accountable for in all situations. I can communicate hard things and no longer see so many things as conflict but an opportunity to understand each other more.

I wish it could have all happened differently, but I can’t say that anything in regret of being with my person despite the hell we have been through.

My thoughts on this have evolved. At first I would have said maybe - we had 20 good years, 3 so-so years, and then 2 years of hell.
With time and distance, I now see that although we get along extraordinarily well (still, actually), our relationship was not even or fair from the get-go. So now it is maybe with an asterisk - and that is if and only if I set my boundaries early and stuck to them.

But as the others have said, doesn’t really matter. We play the cards we are dealt with the knowledge we have at the time. 🤷‍♀️

No.

Full stop.

No there is no way I would have signed up for what I went through. I will never regret my kids they are the best thing he ever gave to me and that part I would do again if I had to, for them.

The equation is close to unique for us. The A started 44 years into our relationship, and the relationship up to then had been the best part of our pretty good lives. Our differences made life interesting and enjoyable,

Yes, I think I would have married her if I knew the A was coming.

Knee jerk response is "no," but then I read sisoon's response and now I'm at "I don't know." We were married form27 years before anything like this happened, and have since grown a lot closer. I know I don't want to end it now, so yeah. I really don't know.

I find it interesting that a number of posters in this thread state that the affair did not shatter their love for their cheating spouse.

Unfortunately during my H’s last affair (typical midlife crisis affair) he resented my existence b/c in his eyes, I was standing in the way of his "true love" and I stopped them from being together.

The shabby treatment I endured for 6 months was terrible. He was never physically abusive but some of the hateful things he told me during his affair would blow your mind and definitely impact your own sanity.

At Dday2 of affair 2 and for many many months (maybe years) after, I wondered if I loved him enough to reconcile or even loved him at all anymore. The ILYBNILWY speech was constantly playing in my head.

We were lucky to be able to reconcile and have a happy life.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:31 AM, Friday, September 26th]

This is a difficult question for me. On the surface, since I divorced her the answer should be an obvious nope! However, how much of my present life would not exist if I had not married her?
I don’t think I would be with who am with now. I don’t think I’d have the child I have now. I don’t know for sure if I’d have the life I have now. 20+ years after the event sure brings in a lot of perspective that I didn’t anticipate.
I don’t think I can give a definitive answer ever. It’s a strange feeling.

I find it interesting that a number of posters in this thread state that the affair did not shatter their live for their cheating spouse.

I can’t speak to anyone else’s experience, but infidelity absolutely shattered my life — and is an emotional trauma and loss that definitely left some scars.

However, it wasn’t the end of existence, something horrible happened, now what?

I find it is how we overcome adversity (and life to me seems to be full of setbacks, horror shows and unpleasant people). There is a lot to get through on most days without infidelity, that’s why it takes a few years to recover from.

I guess my focus is on the now.

In the grand scheme of my life, the good has been pretty damned good.

I have two awesome sons, a wicked cool daughter in law, an amazing extended family and dudes from high school and the USMC who have been lifelong friends.

I wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone.

It was an unexpected trauma to conquer.

But I conquered it.

My wife’s shitty choices certainly don’t define me….or her.

I sometimes find myself thinking, "I wish I never married her." I have come to recognize "I wish" as a singularly unhelpful way to start an interior conversation. It only leads to rumination, not progress and not fulfillment. My quality of life is excellent, largely because of the union with my wife. But it does have that danged asterisk attached, just like Asterisk’s. When I eliminate the "I wish" hypothetical cold reality tells me that even if I had seen the betrayal in a crystal ball and avoided that pretty coed, there would be no guarantee that I wouldn’t have found someone with the same or greater issues. So I am firmly in the maybe but probably would camp. The best analogy I can think of relates to baseball. What if a genie gave you the gift of winning the National or American league pennant every single year but never winning the World Series? A guaranteed pennant is fabulous but never getting all the way to a championship is a tough asterisk to bear.

Thank you so much for all your answers! I can appreciate everyone’s thoughts & perspectives. Several of the responses were insightful and touching to me. They helped me understand some of the deep reasons for my own questioning…

For me pain is very powerful, but even more so is TRUE LOVE…