SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Absolutely not!

After my first husband had an affair and then left me for her I was ‘never’ getting married again. But then for some reason I thought I would have a better marriage second time round.

Well obviously that has not panned out either! Honestly I hate the concept of marriage now. Whilst I get along with my husband now I’ll never be happy that I’m married. Infidelity has completely destroyed it for me.

Absolutely not. I would have run away screaming. I love my children and I would not change them for the world, but I would change him. I know some people say you wouldn’t have your children without him, but I feel like I still would have had them. I feel like they were meant for me.

I thought about this a lot in the years since DDay. If I could go back in time and warn myself not to marry him, would I do it? And the answer is, yes, I definitely would, providing that I could have the same three amazing children, of course. Because the young woman that I was deserves better, deserves a life without the pain that he caused. There were amazing, happy years for us as well, before cheating and even after Dday, but 9 years of betrayal and lies caused a wound and scars that that young woman didn't deserve.

And I am happy that I stayed after DDay, I would not change that. The R is going well, we are not out of the woods yet, but I think we will be, if he continues to be the person he appears to be now, caring, loving, unselfish and safe. I am staying, because whatever I did, R or D, the pain he caused would still be here. It is a done deal now. And the woman I am now, deserves to have what she really wants, to spend my life with the man I love, to have my family intact, to welcome our future grandchildren together. I could not have that with anyone else. And despite everything, I love him and I want him. But if future me comes to me and tells me he will cheat again in 10 years, I am out.

Of course not!

Mind you that my wife of several decades has not cheated on me. My experience was with a fiancé shortly before that planned marriage.

But if I had a reliable crystal ball that back then in the late 1980’s – early 1990’s had warned me that the woman I intended to propose to would cheat on me in the next years/decades... I would have ended it.
This despite the two of us having created the best kids ever and living a good life together. I have no regrets about what we have done and achieved.
But I know I could have done that with someone else. Not the same kids and not the same life, but both equally good.

This would be a different reply if I were to discover NOW that she had cheated or was cheating. I might want to work things out – or not. But that’s a totally different question and scenario.

I think that what people sometimes misunderstand about those that have managed to reconcile and share with us that the marriage is better than before is the fact that the infidelity NEVER makes a marriage better, but that the work put into reconciling (if done properly) can make it better.

It’s sort of like having a heart attack definitely doesn’t improve your health, but starting to exercise, eat healthily and destress your lifestyle AFTER having a heart-attack can get you into the best shape of your life. It’s not because of the medical scare, but due to the work done.

I never liked relationship dynamics. At least from what I observed throughout my life. So I steered clear of it for as long as I could. My wife and I were coworkers in retail and the older folks kept trying to set us up. I kept my distance cause I did not want any kind of relationship with anyone.

I made it vocally clear multiple times in causal conversations why I had no faith in relationships. But something about her stood out than others. And things went well for sometime, and I had come around to accept I might be wrong. But then D-Day occurred and now I know I was always right.

I don’t know if it will change with time, because we’re only 15ish months into reconciling.

But I would say no. I regret ever believing it would be anything other than bad. If reconciliation doesn’t work. I’m simply done.

No.

But questions like this are dangerous IMHO. I refuse to become a rock or island unto myself to avoid any type of pain or discomfort. That is just basic existing. I want to live. And my scars show I did so.

Show me someone who lived fully with no regrets I'll show you a liar with a deep closet.

I still chose to love my WH and reconcile. Now, years out, things are good. If later down the line he fucks that up - that's on him. I will not regret the attempt at reconciling nor loving. What he does with that gift is 100% on him.

I find it interesting that a number of posters in this thread state that the affair did not shatter their love for their cheating spouse.

My W stuck with me out of love during some pretty hard times for me. Our love for each other has always been pretty strong.

I believe my love would have continued for a long time after d-day under any circumstances, perhaps for as long as I live.

But love does not necessarily mean R. I still believe I would have left if W had not changed, even though I loved her.

I really hope readers understand that Love alone is not enough to make R work. And that R can work even if love is shattered. One task is to decide if the shattering is temporary or permanent.

I'm not reconciled. We're technically still trying to R, but it doesn't look at all likely that's going to happen.

My WW actually asked me this very question though, so I feel like I can still post a reply. She said, if you knew I was going to have an affair would you have still married me? And I immediately said, No. Absolutely not.

I still feel that way. Who marries a person knowing they will betray you? That's not why people get married. At least that's not why I got married. I really took the vows seriously, and I thought she did too.

[This message edited by 4characters at 7:54 PM, Friday, September 26th]