SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well this was never on my bingo card. Husband and I have been married for 25 years this past May. Overall, enjoy each other's company (no one else I'd rather spend time with), two teen boys, stable careers etc.

So two nights ago, I come home from a work trip to my husband acting sort of weird (although I chalked it up to it being his mom's birthday - deceased for 9 years). Oh no. He proceeds to confess (via a written document he reads from his iPad) that he has not been faithful over the past 9 years through visiting massage parlors / escorts 4-5 times a year, having intercourse 4 times over the past 9 years, including last week (without protection). And basically this past week was his "rock bottom" with the no protection encounter and decided he needed to tell me (in tears, apologizing, etc.). He said he had suicidal thoughts and called a help line -note he was in counseling a few years ago but stopped going, has said he feels like he has anxiety, etc but never does the things to help himself (definitely find that frustrating, but he has to do it for himself).

So I processed a bit, had a total f-bomb rant at him, told him that he needs to get on the STD testing. He started going to a counselor yesterday, and is now trying to overcompensate by doing all nice things around the house that I get annoyed with that he never does.

And a few days later I guess I just feel numb. And pissed - I have demanding exec level job and had a board meeting this week and he springs that on me - he said he felt so much better telling me, which pisses me off even more because I can't focus, I'm hurt, feel betrayed, but also I feel nothing at the same time? Like I am not processing all the work that will need to be done to try and get to a new normal state of marriage (which he says he still wants but needs help to understand why he was doing those things). I stated that we needed to do counseling together. And I also don't know what to do now.

Thanks for reading. Just felt good to type it out.

You two do NOT need counseling. He does. That behavior sounds like an addiction. You did not cause it. This is his mess to clean up. What was his relationship with his mother? She died nine years ago and he got crazy nine years ago. For nine years he’s been doing this? There is a lot to uncover there and I’m guessing it extends from childhood. You can’t fix it. If he’s been doing this for nine years, then this is who he is and what he does. Yu need to look after your own health, which means making sure you get enough sleep, eat properly, and if necessary, get yourself on some temporary medicine for anxiety and depression. Do not try to step in and help him because you can’t do it. You’re not a therapist you’re his wife. He needs to get on the phone ASAP, and set himself up with therapy with a possibility of sex addiction as the basis.

You two do NOT need counseling. He does. That behavior sounds like an addiction. You did not cause it. This is his mess to clean up. What was his relationship with his mother? She died nine years ago and he got crazy nine years ago. For nine years he’s been doing this? There is a lot to uncover there and I’m guessing it extends from childhood. You can’t fix it. If he’s been doing this for nine years, then this is who he is and what he does. Yu need to look after your own health, which means making sure you get enough sleep, eat properly, and if necessary, get yourself on some temporary medicine for anxiety and depression. Do not try to step in and help him because you can’t do it. You’re not a therapist you’re his wife. He needs to get on the phone ASAP, and set himself up with therapy with a possibility of sex addiction as the basis.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're hurting. If you haven't read the posts already, there are some really good ones posted to the top of the forum. There are some other great posts that aren't pinned, and you can find them by scrolling & looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you. Bonus points if they also list infidelity as one of their treatment specialties.

I can't focus, I'm hurt, feel betrayed, but also I feel nothing at the same time

This is the effects of betrayal trauma on your brain. My concentration was shot and I had a hard time focusing for longer than 15 minutes. Your emotions can be all over the place and change without notice. We will make reference to the emotional roller coaster and it can pick you up at any time.

If you need to ask your doctor for meds, please do so. You may not need them forever, but they can help in the short-term. Plus, you should get tested for STDs, too. There are some nasty things out there that can turn into cancer.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly short book and is a nice blueprint to help him get started. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. (Feel free to read them, too.)

He needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. It's his job to figure out why he has been doing this. It wasn't a mistake and he didn't goof up. He has made deliberate, conscious decisions to cheat and then lie.

Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH did. Generally, we recommend IC for each. When you get where you feel that you're healed enough, then you might want to try MC (marriage counseling). Many MCs aren't equipped to deal with infidelity. They're there to help with the relationship.

Sorry that you're joining us.